Oh look, it’s almost the end of the season, and that’s when everyone starts applauding each other and shouting “good game, good game”, full of the joys of spring. Well, not over here at The Spoiler. Oh no. We’re still livid with some of the Premier League’s so-called “players”. This XI, for example, should be ashamed of themselves.

GK Petr Cech (Chelsea)
Such is the increasing nature of his facial injuries that most people expect Cech to play next season wearing a gimp mask. That aside, he’s spent most of 2007/08 busily sabotaging his reputation as the world’s best goalkeeper by setting up goals for Jonathan Woodgate in the Carling Cup final, and Ryan Babel in the Champions League.

DL John Arne Riise (Liverpool)
There was a time when Riise was synonymous with blistering shots bursting through the net and into someone’s face in the crowd, but this season he’s been more of an own goal specialist, with a stonker against Luton, and a bitch of a bouncer in the Champions League.

DC William Gallas (Arsenal)
Arsenal captains are strong proud men like Tony Adams and Patrick Viera, not whimpering cretins who flump off the pitch in tears or stage sit in protests for no reason whatsoever. A manchild.

DC Kolo Toure (Arsenal)
Toure was doing a fantastic job until he sloped off to Africa in January and lost all of his confidence. He then returned to Arsenal and started gifting people goals willy-nilly.