Well the rain is back, for a moment there we almost forgot where we were. Seconds away from flowery necklaced women and silky hula music playing in the streets, probably. Just thank hecky we’ve still got football gossip and transfers to keep us all sweaty and uncomfortable.

Ronaldinho and Deco in exchange for Kaka
A couple of years ago, had anyone even thought about exchanging Ronaldinho for another player, teams of armed police would have been lining buildings within seconds, shouting through loud hailers to put the drugs down and step away from the vehicle. Sir, we said step AWAY! How times have changed. Now Barcelona can offer Ronaldinho and Deco for Kaka and no one even sniffs their breath for whiskey.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: The rumour is that Barca are offering the two players and around £16 million. AC are unlikely to bite.

Andriy Shevchenko to Fenerbahce
After wowing English fans with his brilliance, Shevchenko may yet astonish the people of Turkey by taking his travelling football circus to Fenerbahce. Prepare to be dazzled, Turklings!

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Should AC Milan pass, Shevchenko needs to go somewhere. Not out of the question.

Winger all set for a return to London

Blackburn star David Bentley is convinced that his career in Lancashire is over. According to a Spoiler informant, the player believes he will be earning at crust at Chelsea next season. DB is so convinced of the transfer that he described it as a ‘done deal’.

See also: how Bentley used his bespoke boots to get away from Arsenal

Hope everyone enjoyed the summer - those were two pretty hot days. But don’t wrap up and sit patiently for Christmas just yet, there’s still some movement on the transfer market. Here’s the latest…

Steven Gerrard to Inter Milan
If Crouch is worth £15 million, Benitez probably has Gerrard at around £9 zillion. Inter might need to go back with their £25 million and come back with something a little more realistic, huh Rafa?

Aliaksandr Hleb to Barcelona
Spagetti-legged Hleb is so keen to get away from Arsenal that he’s apparently ready to fork out millions to get out of his contract. All the talk has been of Inter, until today when someone from Barcelona coughed and everyone got suspicious. Spill the beans, Hleb.

You know the people, the ones who pop around unannounced and spend the entire evening telling you how tired they are, and how things just never seem to go their way. Wouldn’t it be great to rain a few over-the-top punches onto their moping little faces? Yeah, then they’d have something to moan about, then they’d have something to say. With that in mind, imagine the dreary dressing room that this little lot would make for.

GK Jens Lehmann
Moody Jens doesn’t socialise with his team mates, citing the big age gap as a main problem. They, on the other hand, would probably cite his ungodly whinging and arrogant manner.

DL Ashley Cole (c)
The look of utter disbelief on Ashley’s face whenever he gets booked tells you everything you need to know - he can’t believe it, why is everyone picking on him! Plus his wife just dared to get upset because he had sex with loads of other women, and it wasn’t even his fault. God, shut up, he didn’t ask to be born, you know! Our captain.

DC Younes Kaboul
Younes always seemed such a happy fellow, bounding toplessly into Jol’s arms after that great goal (against someone). But his recent huff about Ramos not giving him enough cuddles have made for a big fat grumpy baby.

DC Tal Ben Haim
Those who read The Sun a few weeks ago would have seen the pics of Tal Ben Haim in the back pages stuttering and holding back the tears, as he whimpered about how Jose was really lovely, but Avram isn’t, and he doesn’t like his new daddy, and…. big breath… he just wants to go somewhere else. What a misery guts.

Winger snubs Arsenal’s anti-English policy via bespoke footwear

A thoroughly trustworthy friend of The Spoiler has sent us a tale concerning David Bentley’s unorthodox departure from Arsenal:

When Bentley was at Arsenal, he kept putting in transfer requests which were rejected. He went on loan at Norwich, came back, and the same thing happened again.

By the summer of 2005, he was completely fed up, so had some special boots made. On one was written “English and proud,” and the other, “So I’m never picked.” The next morning at training, he called Arsene Wenger over and showed him.

The next day he was moved on to Blackburn.

As the season winds up to a thrilling finale, the more speculative fans have already started on 2008/2009 - who will be where, and why? From trawling the depths of the messageboards and forums, here’s what The Spoiler has stumbled across today:

Luca Toni - Bayern Munich to West Ham
West Ham’s incoming technical director Gianluca Nani discovered Toni at Bayern Munich, which is causing a frezied wave of dillusion in East London. Might the best striker in Europe trade in Champions League football with Bayern Munich for mid-table mediocrity in rainy old England?

Shay Given - Newcastle to Arsenal
Lehmann is almost sixty-years-old, Almunia isn’t entirely convincing, so might Wenger be driven to actually spend some money? The whisper is that Given could finally stop bothering to try and win things at Newcastle.

David Bentley - Blackburn to Aston Villa
Speculation is growing that Bentley will move to one of the big four this summer, but Villa fans are hopeful that their young talented team will be more tempting than the haunting prospect of becoming the next Jermaine Pennant.

Also appearing on a computer near you…

Video: The Blind World Cup. I’m fairly sure blind Brazil could run rings the current England squad - Machochip agrees.
[Machochip]

The race to sign David Bentley
[Caught Offside]

Video: Peter Crouch shows us how to do a Mexican wave
[YouTube]

Drew Carey done got himself a new MLS team
[Seattle Offside]

After David Bentley revealed his aspirations to live a life of rock ‘n’ roll damnation, we thought we would show him how it’s done. Here are the Small Faces performing ‘Tin Soldier’. Enjoy.

Blackburn midfielder would rather be on the Highway to Hell

Not many people who are paid ridiculous amounts to play football secretly long for an even better career, but David Bentley clearly wants to have his cake and eat it.

Despite being destined to fill David Beckham’s shoes on Engalnd’s right wing, he would rather be a rocker:

“I’d rather be a heavy rock star. I’m a big fan of heavy rock like AC/DC but the lads never let me play it in the dressing room as it’s too loud.