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How to avoid a transfer to Stoke by Christian Lell
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How the crappy Newcastle away kit came to pass
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Ryan Babel could be off to Ajax
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Yeah, that was a pretty crappy transfer deadline day
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The final few hours of the window are painfully quiet

James Collins to Aston Villa
The Villans have released a statement claiming they have agreed a fee for the West Ham defender. The fee has yet to be disclosed, but the professional fee-maker-uppers out there have decided it will be around £5m.

David Bentley not going to Manchester City
Despite dedicating most of the morning to the exclusive that we had two weeks ago, Sky Sports News now seem to believe that DB will spend the rest of the season on the bench at White Hart Lane, and not on the bench at Eastlands.

David James not going anywhere either
Jesus this is a boring deadline day so far. David James’ car was at Portsmouth’s training ground in Eastleigh, then it went away, and then it came back again. We’ll stay tuned to SSN to see if Jamo uses his car again today.

Toulouse hitman spotted outside Old Trafford, apparently

Avoiding Sky Sports News’ deadline day technique of repeatedly talking about David James’ car still being in the Portsmouth car park, The BBC have taken to spreading the utterly questionable sightings of their readers. A 606 board member posted the following rumour, which was deemed worthy of inclusion in their live transfer news feed:

“Just been driving to work, taking my daily route going past Old Trafford. On going past I saw someone that looked like Andre-Pierre Gignac stood with David Gill and another man. Gignac was talking to Gill with what looked like a contract in his hand.”

This sounds pretty realistic. After all, don’t that most big clubs conduct their business by waving contracts in the air outside their grounds?

Is it bye bye Bayern for the Frenchman?

The BBC transfer deadline day live text reports that Franck Ribery has been spotted in several London locations.

Is this a fraudulent attempt to spice up a relatively dull transfer deadline day, or a genuine reason to give Chelsea fans a “quarter chub”? We’re siding with the former at the moment, but we’ll bring updates as soon as we can.

Transfer deadline day rages on at a relatively furious pace…

Nicky Shorey to Portsmouth
Sky Sports News are reporting that the Aston Villa left-back is on his way to Fratton Park for a medical. Shorey will avoid the prospect of Championship football by limiting his move to the South Coast to a season-long loan deal.

The Carlo Cudicini and David James switch-a-roo
Rumours that Jamo will jump ship to join ‘Arry at the Lane have been circulating for a few weeks, but The Daily Mail suggest Portsmouth have rejected a swap deal with Carlo Cudicini. Despite the rebuff, The Times say Mr Redknapp and Mr Levy are currently at Loggerheads over whether they should bring in the 39-year-old shot stopper.

Gennaro Gattuso to Arsenal
Ian Wright’s latest outpouring of wisdom in The Sun sees him arguing the merits of the AC Milan nutter. The pundit says Arsenal need a surrogate Patrick Vieira/ Tony Adams/ big mean person person to stop them getting bullied in the manner of Saturday’s defeat at Old Trafford. This may be true, but Gattuso ain’t going nowhere.

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Harry Redknapp’s least favourite human being to move on

It doesn’t look like any of the Big Four will be getting involved in the transfer merry-go-round today, which means most of the attention is likely to be focused around Harry Redknapp’s and his propensity to thrash out deals right up to the deadline.

The first rumour that caught our attention surfaced in the Daily Mirror, who say that Manchester City will offer £10m plus Martin Petrov for the services of drink driving fan David Bentley. With Petrov valued at around £5m, this would see Tottenham recoup all of the cash they splashed on Mr Punchface last year.

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: Oh how you all doubted us when we said this would happen a few weeks ago…

British transfer record smashed in Man City coup

Over the weekend Brazilian Man-O’-Sex Robinho held his own press conference to tell us all how his ‘head is in Chelsea‘, yet last night night he became the first purchase of that new Arabian team in Manchester. Following the £32.5m record transfer, Real Madrid president Ramon Calderon revealed the slightly unstable nature of his former employee:

“We decided that the best thing was for him to leave. He has an emotional problem that is worse than he thought. Every time I have spoken to him he has cried.”

To paint a more detailed picture of Robinho’s highly professional acumen, Calderon confirmed that the 24-year-old winger/ second striker cares more for the good paper than