Also appearing on a computer near you…

Lewis Hamilton has had his iPod stolen, but has found another way to block out the inane chatter of Pussycat WAG Nicole Sherzinger
[Grid Crasher]

Video: Deco had a great debut, but his clumsy tackle on Diarra could have been a lot worse
[The Offside]

Michael Phelps’ iPod playlist revealed. Sort of.
[Yahoo via Deadspin]

Alex Curran makes friends with a busker
[WAGs Blog]

Totally random: A rather unusual eBay auction
[eBay]

German-accented moaning overheard at the Bridge

In this deceitful world, The Spoiler feels proud to be discreet. We don’t go around blurting about everyone’s business, which is why we’re not going to tell you which talented German in the Chelsea ranks has got his knickers in a twist over playing for the club. The brunette in question has been rocked by the arrival of Deco, Lampard’s lack of departure, and is apparently facing another season attempting to break free from the bench. After a decent season, he probably thought he’d proved his point, but the whisper is that Scolari is more inclined to the Lampsie/Deco combo. At 31-years-old, the mystery player’s days in the sun are numbered, so it looks like he might be flying himself and his new wife, Mrs Ballack, to another club/country before the summer’s out.

Is this the best team in the Premier League?

Make no mistake, friends, the ‘Big Four’ are so-called because they’re brilliant. So brilliant that were you to merge them all together to create a “best of” team, some huge names would fall by the wayside. We are, of course, referring to the likes of Craig Lindfield, Andriy Voronin, Justin Hoyte, Darren Fletcher, Shaun Wright-Phillips. Just some of the football legends who didn’t make the cut.

GK Petr Cech (Chelsea)
No longer the best in the world, not even the best in Premier League - Friedel, James and Given are better. But he is the strongest in the top four, despite a horrendous Euro 2008. Should his terrible run of luck with facial injuries continue, he should end the season playing in a humiliating gimp mask.

DL Patrice Evra (Man United)
After an appalling debut (losing 3-1 to Man City, coming off at half time), Evra suddenly morphed into a fantastic player. Some might argue that Cole or Clichy are more deserving of the spot, but they’re wrong. Cole would bring the whole dressing room down with his awful personality, and Clichy is behind Evra in the France pecking order.

DC Rio Ferdinand (Man United)
It’s easy to forget that underneath the silly record labels, the totally pointless “merking” and the strange skew-whiff mouth, Rio Ferdinand is just a man, standing in front of you, asking you to tell him he’s brilliant at football. Don’t worry, Rio, you are. In fact, you’re our cap-i-tan.

Today’s gossip, rumours and damned lies

The Mirror are reporting that Liverpool are finally prepared to pay Aston Villa £18 million. Further proof arrived this morning when a Kiss 100 DJ revealed that he saw Barry in a nightclub this weekend and the deal will go through on Wednesday. Concrete evidence, folks.

David Villa to Tottenham
While Liverpool lift up the couch cushions to count pennies, Spurs are ready to take their summer spending over the £50 million mark by bring in Villa for £32 million and attempting to snare Man City defender Vedran Corluka for £9.5 million. Berbatov may make way to raise the funds.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: A deceptively shrewd summer for Spurs, with their net spend currently about £10 million, despite the big signings

Robinho latest
With no sign of progress, it was decided that Chelsea

WARNING! Some of these men are old enough to be your brother…

At 66-years-old, Sir Alex Ferguson still knows how to ruffle some feathers and get some backs up. Just this morning he studied the horizon to make sure Scholes and Giggs were out of earshot, and then let rip at Chelsea for being a bunch of bleeding pensioners. The Spoiler is, of course, paraphrasing. But it was a bit like that.

Here’s the big question: How would this team of doddering old fools get on against the younger bucks? Pretty well, we think…

GK Shay Given (32, Newcastle)
Aww, we remember little Seamus when he was just a fresh faced little bunny rabbit playing for Newcastle United, and now look at him - absolutely the same. It’s like the man sleeps in Oil of Olay (or Ulay to people in their 30s). One of the best around.

DL William Gallas (30, Arsenal)
Yes, the snappy defender would probably have one of his toddler tantrums about having to play left back, but it was either him or Phil Neville, and we’re not going to make that mistake again. Just do as you’re told, Gallas, you idiot.

DC Jamie Carragher (30, Liverpool)
Contrary to how it sounds, when Jamie Carragher stands in front of you snorting, hacking and clearing his throat, he’s actually speaking. Thankfully, his on-field communication is much less foggy. A hero.

DC Ricardo Carvalho (30, Chelsea)

Fergie thinks the Chelsea pensioners haven’t got a chance

In the latest of his pre-season mind games, Alex Ferguson has accused the Chelsea squad of being too old to compete with his spritely team this season:

“When you see the ages they’ve got, apart from Salomon Kalou [who is 22] and Mikel John Obi [21], they are an experienced side. I’m not saying necessarily that they’re old because, with the modern-day training methods, you should be playing in your thirties. What I am saying is that I don’t see outstanding progress in a team that’s in their thirties.”

So there you have it. Manchester Utd, whose squad includes Edwin van der Sar (37), Gary Neville (33), Ryan Giggs (34) and Paul Scholes (33) are destined to claim another Premiership title because the likes of Frank Lampard (30), Michael Ballack (31) and Deco (30) are getting on a bit.

It’s also worth noting the average ages of the starting lineups of the Champions League final - Manchester Utd’s was 27.45, while Chelsea’s (which included 35-year-old Calude Makelele) was just 28.45.

So, should some members of the Chelsea squad head off to the MLS retirement home (the football equivalent of Bournemouth), or do you side with deceased hip hop starlet Aaliyah in her sentiment ‘Age ain’t nothing but a number’? Votes and comments below, please.

Also appearing on a computer near you…

David Beckham will sell anything with very little conviction - now he wants you to eat more fish [The Offside Rules]

Torres 7/2 to score three or more hat-tricks next season
[chickendinner Bet Blog]

Video vault: Deco’s wonder strike against Iran in World Cup 2006
[Machochip]

F1 British Grand Prix: Top 10 predictions
[Grid Crasher]

The Manchester City exodus begins
[Caught Offside]

Video: The Ernst Happel stadium, which hosted the Euro 2008 final, has a dark history
[The Beautiful Game]

Admit it, you’ve always wanted to do this

Take a look at the members of any ten pin bowling league, and you’ll see a healthy mixture of geriatrics and walking cardiac arrests. Leo Messi and Xavi’s take on the lazy man’s sport may not be particularly successful (they don’t seem to get anything approaching a strike) but it’s certainly more athletic than throwing a big rock and drinking six pints of bitter.

Spoiler bonus: The bowling clip came from the handsome devils at Pies, who have also found footage of Deco and Cristiano Ronaldo playing football tennis. Watch it after the break…

Also appearing on a computer near you…

The brand new trailer for new Bond flick Quantum of Solace, courtesy of Grid Crasher

Do Newcastle really want money for someone who isn’t even contracted to them?
[Caught Offside]

Lucky number 12 offers Murray hope against Nadal
[chickendinner]

Why the Premier League Needs Deco More Than Cristiano Ronaldo
[The Offside]

Top ten John Motson quotes
[Pies]

David Beckham ensures DC United’s Luciano Emilio’s won’t be having kids anytime soon
[Kickette]

Today’s transfer rumours, brimming with metrosexuality

If the picture above is to be believed, Princess Frank has already packed his favourite makeup travel case ahead of a big new move to Milan. They’ll really dig his all-pink beachwear in the fashion capital, but will he go running to the open arms of The Special One or stick around to let Big Phil beat him like a red haired stepchild?

Frank Lampard to Inter
Internazionale confirmed Lampard as their number one transfer target yesterday, and now Mourinho and Scolari are both dangling club badges in front of his face, forcing him to choose which one to kiss.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: We think he may love Mourinho a little more than Chelsea

Ronaldinho to Chelsea
Even though he’s still contracted to Barcelona, Deco has taken it upon himself to become Chelsea’s travel agent, by advising Ronaldinho to steer clear of smelly Manchester and move to petal-scented West London.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Can see it happening

Ivan Klasnic to Wigan
After scoring the winner for Croatia last night, Klasnic has decided it may be time to plunge for the glitz, glamour and endless excitement of Premier League football by signing for…Wigan.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Bigger clubs may come calling

David Bentley to Aston Villa
Bentley wants to leave Blackburn to get a shot at a club playing in the Champions League but he said he’d settle for UEFA Cup football. Surely he doesn’t want to play in the Intertoto with Villa though?

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: It’s Chelsea, The Spoiler told you that ages ago

Peter Crouch to Portsmouth
It’s emerged that Harry Redknapp’s