Sweet Baby Joseph, it is HOT outside. It’s all ice lollies, hand held electronic fans and bikinis in this office. But don’t be fooled, we’re not just keeping ourselves cool, there’s also work to be done. Today’s transfers read like this:

Peter Crouch to Portsmouth
So long are Crouch’s spindly spiders legs that he’s somehow managed to score thirteen goals this season - all from his seat in the dugout. Just imagine how he’d get on if he was actually playing. Word is, Portsmouth have been doing exactly that.

Michael Kightley to West Ham
Despite the fact that Alan Curbishley headed straight into hiding after getting humiliated by Man United, the gossips at the Mirror have been heard going on and on about how he wants the Wolves winger, and by Jimmy he’s going to get him.

Buying a house with Jermain Defoe is a quick route to single life

She only stole him away from another WAG at the beginning of December, but Danielle Lloyd is already looking for a house to share with Jermain Defoe. Sorry, let me rephrase that: Danielle Lloyd is looking for a house to buy with Jermain Defoe’s money.

A ‘pal’ has revealed to Now Magazine that ‘they’re looking around the £2m mark. She fancies a little Shakespearian-style cottage with full-on beams, the whole shebang.’

While this sounds like a perfectly reasonable thing to do after

Grasping model breaks a fat chunk off another dumbcluck’s fortune

Tottenham fans will be delighted to hear that after a season of disappointment there is some good news at last: third-choice striker Jermain Defoe has bought a £20,000 watch for girlfriend Danielle Lloyd. Apart from the childish pleasure the supporters doubtless derive from watching their money make its mazy way through the Spurs digestive system and out onto a model’s wrist, additional delight comes in the form of the happiness the timepiece has brought the couple.

“Dani’s under no illusion that she means the world to Jemain,” said a “pal”, possibly from a mental hospital, to the

Getting married AND releasing a DVD about fitness? Wow

While the rest of us gorged on cooked meat and strong European lager over the festive season, one of the nation’s many racist glamour models was keeping herself very busy indeed.

Danielle Lloyd - her who has gone almost a full year without telling Shilpa Shetty to “fuck off home” - was spotted