The least frugal investments in the beautiful game

With the news that Kaka may substitute hopes of silverware and European football for the chance to play in the Premier League*, The Spoiler has considered the top ten biggest wastes of money in Premier League history.

*We’re not saying Kaka won’t live up to a £100m price tag, but… actually yes, we are saying that. No one could possibly live up to such a ridiculous fee.

Andriy Shevchenko (£30m)
AC Milan to Chelsea, 2006
AC Milan’s second highest top scorer of all time put away 127 league goals in less than 200 starts for the Rossoneri, but managed just nine in two years at the Bridge. He was months away from his 30th birthday when he moved to England, which made the size of the fee even more alarming. Chelsea’s tails were firmly between their legs when they resold him to Milan last summer for an undisclosed fee - unlikely to be in excess of £5m.

Gaizka Mendieta (£29m)
Valencia to Lazio, 2001
Following an impressive spell with Valencia where he lead the side to back-to-back Champions League Finals, the two-time European Midfielder of the Year went to Lazio. He lasted just one season in Italy, scoring no goals. A loan spell back to Barcelona ensued, and then Middlesbrough, for whom he only made 26 league starts in three seasons before being released.

Juan Sebastian Veron (£28.1m)
Lazio to Manchester United, 2001
Man United broke the British transfer record in 2001 after Veron’s instrumental role in Sven-Goran Eriksson’s Lazio side (which won the league, the Coppa Italia and the Italian Super Cup the previous year). Although United made the mistake of bringing the Argentine to England, Chelsea’s decision to pay £15m after seeing his incompatibility with the English game was even

The latest transfer gossip, rumours and damned lies

The world’s greatest Christian footballer has been linked to Manchester City ever since they found themselves knee deep in cash. If the Eastland sides can “prove their ambition”, the AC Milan star could soon be England-bound…

Kaka to Manchester City
Yesterday we told you how Manchester City flew Noel and Liam out to Italy to negotiate a deal for the young Brazilian, and there are now reports of a £100m transfer deal on the table. Even more ridiculous are the wages being touted - The Sun say it could be £288,000 a week, while the completely non-sensationalist Daily Mail say it will be £500k-a-week. £500k!

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: If this kind of money is really being offered, both club and player would be foolish to turn it down. For City - who must be chasing Kaka after having their Craig Bellamy turned down - this has to be the least cost effective method of avoiding relegation.

Adriano to Spurs
Inter Milan’s Brazilian striker has been linked to Manchester City lately (liek everyone else), and now Harry Redknapp is reportedly looking for someone to accompany Jermain Defoe to nightclubs. Sky Sports say a loan deal could happen, with Gareth Bale

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As ever, there was no time last night to revel in the joy of a Paul Scholes stonker, because while football is being played, behind the scenes people in dark suits are having business meetings, and those meetings are very important - they include “guesstimates” and “sushi”. Here’s what may or may not have been talked about in some of those sweaty deep-into-the-night think tanks:

Kamel Ghilas to Arsenal
Arsene Wenger’s team of dehydrated football forragers have once again resurfaced in their mining helmets with soil on their faces muttering like crazy people about an Algerian man called Kamel. At the moment he plays casual football for Portuguese side Vitoria Guimaraes, but next season he looks set to be entertaining Arsenal crowds, who love sexual football and Cesc Fabregas.

Antonio Valencia and Wilson Palacios to Manchester United
Yes, Ferguson will be on the hunt for bright young talents, currently dominating other first teams, to strengthen his reserves, and these two might be just the ticket. They do it week in, week out for Wigan, but can they do it perhaps once every three/four months for United when Nani, Anderson, Carrick, Hargreaves, Scholes, Ronaldo, Giggs, O’Shea, and Fletcher are all injured? Or it’s the Carling Cup?

Denilson’s latest training partner shows talent on and off the field

If Ashley Cole is seeking advice on how to juggle women, he need look no further than Denilson (the one who used to play for Betis, not the Arsenal one.) Playing for Palmeiras, the Brazilian scored two goals against Bragantino last Sunday, and celebrated by making an ‘L’ shape with his hand. Far from being a ‘loser’ insult, 21-year-old Laisa Andrioli claimed it was actually a loving reference to her name. This angered on/off girlfriend Letícia Carlos, who had been “seeing [Denilson] and talking every day,” and who also laid claim to the ‘L’ dedication. Responding evasively, the Brazilian equivalent of Jermain Defoe casually said: “Next time there won’t be any L’s.”