As ever, there was no time last night to revel in the joy of a Paul Scholes stonker, because while football is being played, behind the scenes people in dark suits are having business meetings, and those meetings are very important - they include “guesstimates” and “sushi”. Here’s what may or may not have been talked about in some of those sweaty deep-into-the-night think tanks:

Kamel Ghilas to Arsenal
Arsene Wenger’s team of dehydrated football forragers have once again resurfaced in their mining helmets with soil on their faces muttering like crazy people about an Algerian man called Kamel. At the moment he plays casual football for Portuguese side Vitoria Guimaraes, but next season he looks set to be entertaining Arsenal crowds, who love sexual football and Cesc Fabregas.

Antonio Valencia and Wilson Palacios to Manchester United
Yes, Ferguson will be on the hunt for bright young talents, currently dominating other first teams, to strengthen his reserves, and these two might be just the ticket. They do it week in, week out for Wigan, but can they do it perhaps once every three/four months for United when Nani, Anderson, Carrick, Hargreaves, Scholes, Ronaldo, Giggs, O’Shea, and Fletcher are all injured? Or it’s the Carling Cup?

Denilson’s latest training partner shows talent on and off the field

If Ashley Cole is seeking advice on how to juggle women, he need look no further than Denilson (the one who used to play for Betis, not the Arsenal one.) Playing for Palmeiras, the Brazilian scored two goals against Bragantino last Sunday, and celebrated by making an ‘L’ shape with his hand. Far from being a ‘loser’ insult, 21-year-old Laisa Andrioli claimed it was actually a loving reference to her name. This angered on/off girlfriend Letícia Carlos, who had been “seeing [Denilson] and talking every day,” and who also laid claim to the ‘L’ dedication. Responding evasively, the Brazilian equivalent of Jermain Defoe casually said: “Next time there won’t be any L’s.”