Gold Cup, today, 3.30pm, bet here

If you’ve just emerged from solitary confinement, a coma or a lengthy spell in a monastery, today’s Cheltenham Gold Cup is only the RACE OF THE CENTURY! The rest of you, if you’re not on it yet, need your heads testing. If you’re still not sure what to do, then just follow these simple steps.

1) Open an account to bet online. You could choose any of this country’s fine turf accountants, but if you open an account with Ladbrokes or Paddy Power, you’ll get a £10 free bet.

2) If you’d rather go with a betting exchange, and bet against other people, open an account with Betfair, and get a £25 free bet.

3) Choose a horse to bet on. To see the best odds, click here.

4) If you still can’t make your mind up, then go with horse of the century KAUTO STAR to win - he’s considered near unbeatable.

5) Don’t like that? Then get on DENMAN. Also considered near unbeatable, except against Kauto Star.

6) Don’t like that? Then get on one of the supporting cast with an each way bet. The Spoiler likes NEPTUNE COLLONGES or KNOWHERE

For more Gold Cup facts, click here. And hurry up - the clock is ticking! GET RIGHT ON IT!

Unless you haven’t noticed, everyone is going absolutely horses bonkers, and Cheltenham is - for the only time in the year - the big place to be. Walking proudly with their groomed manes, the WAGs look amazing (boom, boom!), and some friends of The Spoiler are offering great free bets. Get on it!

GET A FREE GOLD CUP £10 BET WITH LADBROKES HERE!

GET A FREE £10 BET WITH PADDY POWER HERE!

OR GET A FREE £25 BET ON BETFAIR HERE!

The Spoiler’s Cheltenham tip of the Day: My Way De Solzen in the Ladbrokes World Hurdle at 3.30. Click the links above to have a punt.

Cheltenham Gold Cup, Friday, 3.30pm, bet here

People are always debating this thing against that thing, often forgeting that there are loads of other things in between which are great too. For example, everyone knows that gingers are better than blondes or brunettes, and that amongst the many legs and breast men lurks a secret society made up of discerning bottom men. So, at the races this weekend, it mightn’t be all about Kuato Star and Denman - flying out of leftfield comes option 3: Exotic Dancer. But can he do it?

Betting on the Cheltenham Festival? Get a free £10 bet with Paddy Power or Ladbrokes when you open an account.

Why bet on Exotic Dancer

» Exotic Dancer is the favourite in the market without Kauto Star and Denman.

But the Gold Cup will still go on

As you can see from the snap above, the corporate hospitality section of the Cheltenham festival is no longer as cosy as was once intended. Even though the men in suits may have to enjoy their prawn sandwiches in the rain, the Gold Cup is still going ahead this Friday, and you can watch it from the relative comfort of your home or office from 3.15.

Betting on the Cheltenham Festival? Get a free £10 bet with Paddy Power or Ladbrokes when you open an account. But before you take the plunge, take in the chickendinner Gold Cup preview.

Cheltenham Gold Cup, Friday, 3.15pm, bet here

If you’re like most people in this country, you parted company with an interest in horses shortly after you realised they couldn’t really speak or fly. Televised racing’s attempt to fill the gap, all honey-voiced commentators droning on with their mysterious vocabulary, too often felt like an afternoon at the hands of a foreign hypnotist. This week’s Cheltenham festival, which starts tomorrow, is an opportunity to reconsider that relationship, with a Gold Cup on Friday that promises the kind of drama Friday afternoons have been criminally lacking for years. Two wonderhorses - the athletic Kauto Star and the powerful Denman - make this the most anticipated race in decades. To take full advantage of the Gold Cup experience without actually attending, you’ll need to have a few drinks beforehand - champagne for the better-offs, beer for the riff-raff - and have a sod of fragrant turf handy from which to breathe deeply every so often. Then you just need to get a bet on and shout stuff at the telly. If you’re not sure what, try “But you promised me you could fly!” Even if you lose, you’ll feel a whole lot better.

To bet online, you can open an account with Paddy Power who will give you a free £10 bet.

Or if you just want to check the best odds, visit the oddschicken.

The statistics

* Kauto Star has only been beaten once in his last ten starts.