Football panto villain gets odd looks from passport control…

Crown The Spoiler a 21st century prophet. Yesterday, we opined that professional footballers were now so girly, they’d eventually become indistinguishable from the fairer sex. Less than a day later, and The Sun reports Robbie Savage had to miss a flight with Derby County after mistaking his wife’s passport for his own. Nostradamus ain’t got s**t on us.

The Rams were jetting off on a 4am flight to Amsterdam, for last night’s friendly against ADO Den Haag (which they lost 1-0). On discovering his new passport photo flattered him immensely, Savage had to dash back home whilst staff waited on standby to check him into an afternoon flight:

“I offered to shave my beard and put on some make-up and then I’d have looked like my missus! What worries me slightly is that when I suggested it, some said I might get away with it!

We doubt it, Robbie. The Welsh midfielder made it to the ground minutes before kick-off, but had to settle with starting on the subs bench.

West Londoners vastly overestimate value of watching their team

Standing firmly on the side of fans who are tired of being ripped off at stadia up and down the country, Derby County, have refused to accept a ticket price hike imposed by QPR for their visit to Loftus Road on September 27:

The club said a pre-season price of £30 for adults and £20 for concessions had been agreed but had been sent tickets priced £10 above those amounts by QPR.

Club spokesman Matt McCann told BBC Radio Derby: “We think it’s too high and we don’t think that’s fair.

“We have stood our ground and QPR have exercised their right to appeal that to the Football League.”

Regardless of our completely fudged economy, how many Rams fans would be willing to pay out £40 to see a side that has not won a league match on the road since March 2007 (excluding the May 2007 play-offs, that is)?

It’s pretty extortionate for a Championship tie, particularly considering that Manchester Utd are charging £41 for most Premier League away fans who visit Old Trafford this season.

If Derby fans are looking for a way to protest against against Queens Park Rangers’ co-owner Flavio Briatore, perhaps they should pelt him with wet sand, much like disgruntled Italians did when he and his billionaire cohorts recently crossed a Sardinian beach.

Don’t leave them alone with the wife

And so to the less charming side of football - the players who would demand extra money if you dared to make them sweat, even just a little bit. The kind of men you wouldn’t want next to you in the trenches. Were this wartime… and people still used trenches.

GK Carlo Cudicini (Chelsea)
Cudicini is in his goalkeeping prime, and yet he’s happy to lay back in the dugout until Cech gets his face obliterated again. Then he’ll feign an injury of his own - slacker films should be made about this guy.

DL Ashley Cole (Chelsea)
A revolting little man, Cole is totally unaware of a world existing outside of his self-made bubble. In his head, he is king, and Chelsea isn’t his club, it’s just the latest in a long list of suckers to tend to his every bottom wiping whim.

DC Sol Campbell (Portsmouth)
Such are his addled nerves and fragile mind that no club could ever rely on keeping Sol Campbell happy - he’s just too sensitive, bless him. For now, he loves Portsmouth, just adores them, but should they EVER show evidence of not being hopelessly devoted to His Highness, he will go. And that’s not a threat. He actually will. Won’t you, Sol? Ahh, why are you crying? See what you’ve done? Now he’s crying.

All signs point to Wenger’s wallet 

After a bumpy ride towards the end of the season, what with all of his players dashing around like blind madmen with chainsaws, it looks like Captain Wenger is trying to steady his ship with some big name signings. But might it be too little too late? Today’s transfer rumours LOVE Arsenal…

Roque Santa Cruz to Arsenal
Might Wenger totally ditch his buy cheap/make great method by plumping for Santa Cruz, who would cost 89 gazillion Wenger pounds, and is already really good? The people who make up rumours think so.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Not feeling this one.

Louis Saha to Arsenal
With Rooney’s hip problems flaring up and Gary Neville constantly crocked, Man United are looking for extra beds in their infirmary, so Saha will be wheeled out over the summer. Arsene Wenger is thought to be lurking in the Latin quarter of Manchester, sipping hot coffee with £5 million in his pocket.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Seems unlikely, although Wenger might appreciate his Frenchness.

Samir Nasri to Arsenal
Apparently Nasri is the new Zinedine Zidane - which must be gutting for all the other new Zidanes.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: He’s young, relatively unheard of, Wenger will love him!

You know the people, the ones who pop around unannounced and spend the entire evening telling you how tired they are, and how things just never seem to go their way. Wouldn’t it be great to rain a few over-the-top punches onto their moping little faces? Yeah, then they’d have something to moan about, then they’d have something to say. With that in mind, imagine the dreary dressing room that this little lot would make for.

GK Jens Lehmann
Moody Jens doesn’t socialise with his team mates, citing the big age gap as a main problem. They, on the other hand, would probably cite his ungodly whinging and arrogant manner.

DL Ashley Cole (c)
The look of utter disbelief on Ashley’s face whenever he gets booked tells you everything you need to know - he can’t believe it, why is everyone picking on him! Plus his wife just dared to get upset because he had sex with loads of other women, and it wasn’t even his fault. God, shut up, he didn’t ask to be born, you know! Our captain.

DC Younes Kaboul
Younes always seemed such a happy fellow, bounding toplessly into Jol’s arms after that great goal (against someone). But his recent huff about Ramos not giving him enough cuddles have made for a big fat grumpy baby.

DC Tal Ben Haim
Those who read The Sun a few weeks ago would have seen the pics of Tal Ben Haim in the back pages stuttering and holding back the tears, as he whimpered about how Jose was really lovely, but Avram isn’t, and he doesn’t like his new daddy, and…. big breath… he just wants to go somewhere else. What a misery guts.

Is falling asleep at the wheel on a motorway while hammered really such a bad thing?

After a long day of post-Christmas drinking back in December, Derby midfielder Bob Malcolm (currently on loan from QPR) was all tuckered out on a long drive back up north. So, he did what any right-thinking person would do, and switched off his Range Rover’s engine in the middle of the M1, in order to

Tune into the best programming on the telebox tonight

For those who have to work for a living, today’s re-introduction to the office has been a shock to the system. You may have missed another Steve Martin film by leaving the house today, but find solace in two facts: there’s some quality sports on the box tonight, and Steve Martin isn’t funny anymore anyway.

Football
Bolton Wanderers/ Derby County (Sky Sports 1, 8pm)

Cricket
Australia/ India (Second Test, Sky Sports 1, 11.30pm)