Can the North East side bounce back from utter rubbishness?
“It’s disappointing and embarrassing,” said Newcastle caretaker manager Chris Hughton following Newcastle Utd’s humiliating defeat at the hands of Leyton Orient on Saturday.
Around 1,500 Geordies made the long journey to Brisbane Road (and Derek Llambias made the relatively short journey from his Essex country pile), where they witnessed their beloved side lose to a League One side in highly lethargic fashion. A poor result considering the fact that the team was extremely similar to the one that played in the Premiership last season.
Despite getting knocked for six on Saturday, most bookies are putting Newcastle as favourites to win the Championship next season. On the basis of this kind of performance, however, Leyton Orient fans can probably look forward to taking six points from Mike Ashley’s woeful bunch in League One in 2010/11.
So, will Newcastle make it back to the promised land, or are they about to start a lengthy period in the Football League wilderness? Let us know your thoughts below…
Chow down at the Championship’s biggest stadium this Sunday
Newcastle fans desperately searching for a Father’s Day gift for the old man they don’t particularly like are in luck.
The club are advertising a lunch at St James’ Park this Sunday, designed to remind maligned relatives of the misery they have had to endure for the past year at the home of the Magpies. And it’s only £19.95 per person (or a seemingly impossible £9.975 for kids) - that kind of money wouldn’t buy a bread roll at a Premier League ground!
Don’t delay - remind your dad of the disappointment his club have piled on him now! (Just don’t blame us if the chefs turn out to be as incompetent as the board.)
Before The Spoiler was distracted by this thoroughly tempting offer, we were going to mention the fact that Newcastle appear to have neglected Alan Shearer in their future plans. Season ticket applications have finally been sent out to fans, and the accompanying literature makes no reference to the latest Geordie Messiah.
The soft southern journalists at the Daily Mail believe Chris Hughton will take the managerial reins at the club, fulfilling the wishes of managing director Derek Llambias.
Toon billionaire reveals his pockets are not bottomless
Mike Ashley - who showed his inner Geordie by donning just a shirt in the stands last week - has revealed Newcastle’s spending budget will be limited to £15m this summer.
The Sun call this “a far cry from the days when the club shelled out a record £16m for striker Michael Owen,” but according to The Spoiler’s resident maths expert, it is in fact a difference of £1m.
Newcastle fans may be worried about the belt tightening, but they should be much more concerned the mathematical nous of managing director Derek Llambias:
“Are we going to be a Manchester City? No. Mike’s a billionaire and a very wealthy man. Can he afford to do £20m a year? No. £30m? No.”
If he can’t afford £20m, does it not go without saying that he cannot afford £30m? Sitting at the negotiating table with Mr Llambias must be a very tiresome experience…
Mike Ashley wants to “challenge for everything,” says Llambias
With a manager awaiting heart surgery (best wishes from The Spoiler, JK), an estranged owner, a heavily disgruntled fanbase and an Executive Director who is completely MIA, Newcastle Utd are not in great shape.
Taking a lead from Joseph Stalin, Mike Ashley has developed a five-year plan for success at St James’ Park. Of course, the rotund Sports Direct mogul is incapable of speaking to the press, so managing director Derek Llambias has articulated his strategy to the Newcastle Chronicle:
“In five years’ time I would hope we would be challenging for everything.
“We hope to be like an Aston Villa.
“But you need to have solid grounding under your feet.
“You need that - it should have been built years ago.
“We inherited so much.
“We’re knocking down walls and rebuilding.”
We’re not ones to criticise ambition, but it seems Newcastle are in need of a five month plan, rather than a five year one.
In his Chronicle interview, Llambias’ also apologised for the club’s lack of communication with fans, said there is £8m available to spend over the summer, and claimed that he and Mike Ahsley were disappointed by Kevin Keegan’s exit. Despite this overt fan pandering, Llambias’ comments have been met with contempt by the Newcastle message boards.
Hey, you love Jesus right? That’s because he was really cool about everything. But what if your nice beardy Jesus man had risen from the dead and returned to earth, livid and suing everyone - Judas, Peter, Herod, Buddha, Satan, Santa, everyone. Then where would your Christianity be? Yeah, exactly, you don’t know.
Which leads us seamlessly to Kevin Keegan, the Newcastle messiah, who is rumoured to be suing the club for £9 million in damages, sobbing about how he was unfairly dismissed, he didn’t want to sell Milner, it was all Llambias’ fault. Could his loyal apostles in the Toon Army really stand by him should he leave such a long smudge on the Newcastle history books?
Mike Ashley, Dennis Wise and Derek Llambias will fly back from Dubai today after an unsuccessful sales trip. It wasn’t unsuccessful because of complicated financial negotiations, but rather because they chose to skip the boring business bit and drink mojitos instead:
According to arabianbusiness.com, Dubai investors were waiting for Ashley in the Mina A’Salam Ramadan Tent in the Madinat Jumeirah Hotel for their 11pm meeting but he was instead in the nearby Bahri Bar knocking back cocktails.
Surely the Arab businessmen knew the meeting would never materialise if it was scheduled for 11pm. By that time, Ashley has usually downed his sixth pint and removed his ‘King Kev’ Newcastle shirt, and Wisey is conducting his second or third assault of the evening.
Was the Geordie Messiah right to leave the club at this stage?
Following the announcement that King Kev has abdicated from his throne, one despairing Newcastle fan has gone as far as throwing his shirt and season ticket into the Tyne, in anger at the club’s board. A less vocal section of the fanbase, however, feels disappointed at KK’s decision to abandon the ship he loves so dearly - one Newcastle forum user remarks:
I’m not going to be very popular for saying this at all, but irrespective of the situation Keegan has walked out on us at the first hurdle.
So, should Newcastle fans point their fingers solely at the board, or feel a little let down by the perceived lack of tenacity of their revered leader? Votes and comments below, please.
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