All of today’s rumours, translated from Portuguese
Well done Chelsea - after striking the fear of God into everyone for ages, the mask appears to have slipped. Roman didn’t get his wish of a winning final in Russia, all the best managers are giving them a wide berth, and what are the chances of Lampsie, the Drog-man, and even snarling Mikey Essien heading out east to lick pasta sauce from Mourinho’s chin next season? Pretty high, many would argue. And, it doesn’t end there…
Ashley Cole to Inter Milan
Mourinho had quite some effect on the Chelsea players, a bit like Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society - you know, where the young boys find rebellion through poetry? Heart wrenching film, that one. Williams doesn’t crack a single gag. Anyway, in a similar vein, Ashley Cole might move towards Mourinho, if people waft enough money stink his way.
The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Time to alienate Italy, Ashley?
Casting a double act correctly is an exact science. The great ones - Morecambe and Wise, The Two Ronnies - relied on their hilarious differences to make people laugh. Ronnie Corbett was a tiny little thing, while Ronnie Barker was a big fatso - brilliant! Morecambe wore glasses, while Wise stood silently beside him with a straight unbespectacled, haunted, face. Some double acts, however, are just far too similar to work. We are, of course, referring to Hoddle and Waddle in the 1980s. It was never going to succeed. Not a single person could tell them apart. One unlikely double act that might shock us all, however, is the zany pairing of old man Hughes and little David Bentley…
David Bentley to Manchester City
The barking mad word on the street is that wherever silver haired Hughes goes, blabbermouth Bentley follows. Today, it’s destination Man City, but everyone knows they’ll both be at Chelsea come next week.
The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Chelsea beckons
Roque Santa Cruz to Manchester
With the walls tumbling down at Blackburn, Sir Alex is looking to slide in and pick up the tearful foreign players - starting with Santa Cruz for £15 million.
Cynics suggest that Drogba is capable of cheating on purpose
Now, obviously The Spoiler has no fixed opinion on anything - being more of an open ear rather than a judgmental yammering gob - but the whisper in the undergrowth is that Drogba might have got himself sent of on purpose to avoid taking the dreaded fifth penalty. An interesting theory, and not completely out of the question.
As absolutely everyone knows, before the biggest match of the season, the battle begins in the press. We like to call it The Battle of the Brains. Already Chelsea and Man United have been trading blows like furious tots in a street fight.
Rooney on Drogba: Sometimes it seems as if his head is not there, but when he is playing at his best he is an unbelievable player.
Vidic on Drogba: Sometimes he goes in very strong, and sometimes he pretends he is very weak. He plays with your mind and tries to make you think about the next tackle. He can pretend he fell down to win a penalty, but referees know that. The Champions League final is a big game and I’m sure the ref will know his job.
All the players rated according to their unpopularity
What a Champions League final. Two delighted sets of fans, then the rest of Europe all scratching their heads trying to figure out which of the teams they want to win less. The Spoiler has taken a long look at all of the players who should be involved, and marked them out of ten, using a state-of-the-art Hate-o-meter. Results follow…
While Steven Gerrard can be found whimpering on the streets of Liverpool, seriously disgruntled because his club won’t spend enough money on new friends for him, over in the AC quarter of Milan, rumour would suggest that money is swilling around like expensive sparkling wine in a Jermain Defoe bathtub.
Starting from the back, the Italian giants have been linked with Chelsea’s bemasked goal stopper Petr Cech - supposedly the planet’s most beguiling keeper. In front of him, they’re looking to poach France’s Willy Sagnol from Bayern Munich, as well as the Italian crowd pleaser Gianluca Zambrotta, who used to ply his wares so well at Juve before morphing into a less convincing wingback at Barcelona.
You know the people, the ones who pop around unannounced and spend the entire evening telling you how tired they are, and how things just never seem to go their way. Wouldn’t it be great to rain a few over-the-top punches onto their moping little faces? Yeah, then they’d have something to moan about, then they’d have something to say. With that in mind, imagine the dreary dressing room that this little lot would make for.
GK Jens Lehmann
Moody Jens doesn’t socialise with his team mates, citing the big age gap as a main problem. They, on the other hand, would probably cite his ungodly whinging and arrogant manner.
DL Ashley Cole (c)
The look of utter disbelief on Ashley’s face whenever he gets booked tells you everything you need to know - he can’t believe it, why is everyone picking on him! Plus his wife just dared to get upset because he had sex with loads of other women, and it wasn’t even his fault. God, shut up, he didn’t ask to be born, you know! Our captain.
DC Younes Kaboul
Younes always seemed such a happy fellow, bounding toplessly into Jol’s arms after that great goal (against someone). But his recent huff about Ramos not giving him enough cuddles have made for a big fat grumpy baby.
DC Tal Ben Haim
Those who read The Sun a few weeks ago would have seen the pics of Tal Ben Haim in the back pages stuttering and holding back the tears, as he whimpered about how Jose was really lovely, but Avram isn’t, and he doesn’t like his new daddy, and…. big breath… he just wants to go somewhere else. What a misery guts.
UCL semi-final first leg, Tonight, 7.45pm, ITV1, bet here
Thank you, most merciful television schedulers, for giving tonight’s Liverpool/Chelsea Champions League to ITV. In the hands of Sky we’d have been facing a night of incantations from the Book of Revelation, bursts of the March of the Valkyries and Carmina Burana, all interspersed with images of planets colliding from the Hubble telescope, such is their preferred method of communicating the apocalyptic drama of the event. As dramatic episodes go, however, this game would be taken to the cleaners by Cranford; even the paint drying channel takes on a certain appeal. In six Champions League games together, these two teams have produced an average of half a goal a game. We have also started to get glimpses of the Grantian football philosophy, a school of thought so brutish and defensive it makes the Berlin Wall look subtle and discreet by comparison. This is going to be one for the purists, for everyone else, there’s always Holby City.
The statistics
* There have been just three goals in their six Champions League meetings.
In today’s Sun, court jester Ian Wright highlights what he believes will be the ‘three key battles’ at Anfield tonight. Firstly, he correctly identifies the likely tussle between Torres and Terry. Then, he considers the midfield war that will take place between Gerrard and Lampard (provided the latter has his head in the right place).
These are both fair assertions, but his third and final claim is that Reina and Cech will be going head-to-head in a key on-pitch battle. Um, what are the two players who stand at either end of the pitch going to be battling over? Who has the firmest pre-match handshake? With this kind of insight, it’s hardly surprising that he feels out of touch with Match of the Day types…
Will either side resist the temptation to grind out a bore draw?
For the 4,076 in Champions League history, Liverpool and Chelsea will be facing one another tonight, and no one is more excited than the tabloid media. For the past few days the back pages have been filled with taunt exchanges from The Toad, Benitez and Didier Drogba, but they all seem like over-enthused attempts to breathe life into what is destined to be a dull game. There have been just three goals in the last six European games between the sides, so we’ll be mighty lucky to see the net ripple at Anfield tonight.
But if one of the sides does allow their defence to be breached tonight, who will it be? Votes and comments below, please.
