Today’s gossip, rumours and damned lies

The maths genii at The Daily Star are ahead of the game once more, reporting that if Liverpool cave and pay £18 million for Barry, Villa will use the money to sign David Bentley (who last time we heard was valued at £15 million alone), Anton Ferdinand and Steve Sidwell. And apparently there’s spare change from all that to buy a new keeper too. The Spoiler’s calculator puts that shopping list somewhere around the £30million mark….

Emmanuel Adebayor to Barcelona
Once upon a time Arsenal signed Nicolas Anelka for £500,000 then sold him for £22.3 million two years later. It looks like Arsene Wenger will be rich again as Barcelona have reportedly offered £30 million for top scorer Adebayor.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: An offer perhaps too good to turn down

Roque Santa Cruz to Arsenal

Wenger already has a replacement lined up, probably for less than half of the money they can make on Adebayor. Paul Ince has said Cruz will stay put, but Arsenal are ready to test Blackburn’s resolve.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Blackburn will drive a hard bargain

Dimitar Berbatov to Man United
Real Madrid have generously

An entire team of gentlemen looking for a new employer

The transfer window is now wide open, and there are countless players itching to increase their fortunes by kissing the crest of a new club. Here’s eleven of the greediest best…

Scott Carson
Liverpool are so fed up with Carson that they would rather bring in a shiny new reserve keeper like Antti Niemi. Aston Villa chucked him too, so Scott is simply begging for someone to pick him up.

Potential suitors: Middlesbrough, West Brom

Nicky Shorey
This time last year, Shorey was strutting his stuff in the England squad and was supposedly the apple of West Ham’s eye. He stayed aboard the Good Ship Reading and watched it capsize in May, and now wants another taste of the Premier League.

Potential suitors: West Ham, Portsmouth, Aston Villa, Newcastle

Anton Ferdinand
The younger Ferdinand has gone from being charged with assault to becoming one of the most sought-after defenders in the Premier League. It’s hard to see Joey Barton’s transformation going that smoothly.

Potential suitors: Tottenham, Aston Villa, Newcastle

Richard Dunne
They don’t bother voting for Man City’s player of the year any more because this guy wins all the time. Dunne was upset with Sven’s sacking and eager to leave, though rumours suggest Mark Hughes may have talked him round.

Potential suitors: Portsmouth, Tottenham, West Ham, Aston Villa, Newcastle

Pascal Chimbonda
Juande Ramos employed subtle techniques to let the Frenchman know he isn’t wanted, like signing two new players in his position months after taking over. But if you cast aside his idiotic tendencies, Chimbonda is a talented

Today’s rumours, gossip and damn lies

It’s July 1st folks, which means that the transfer windows have been flung wide open, and all those birds that have been trapped indoors can finally fly away to be grossly overpaid elsewhere. Badly constructed analogies aside, the day’s transfers have been pretty quiet so far, and the latest rumours are a mix of random hearsay and continuing sagas. Let’s kick things off with one from the latter category…

Frank Lampard to Inter Milan
The Deco signing looks like Chelsea’s way of showing Frank where to stick his long-term contract demands. Mourinho claims he is willing to wait until Lampard’s contract expires, but is he just forcing Chelsea’s hand?

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: The ball is in Inter’s court

Dimitar Berbatov to Man United
Ronaldo or no Ronaldo, a new striker appears to be at the top of United’s wishlist. Ferguson said he only envisages signing one player this summer - could Berbatov be his man?

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: It seems inevitable that he will leave, and where better to go?

Fernando Torres to Chelsea
The Daily Star wanted a special story for the opening of the transfer window so made up discovered Abramovich would offer £85 million if Liverpool

Manchester Utd striker’s secret passion for cancer sticks revealed

Despite being an professional sportsman who relies on his fitness to make a living, Wayne Rooney found the time to spark up a coffin nail while staying at the Wynn Casino in the city of sin this week. According to The Sun, the Manchester United striker also joined the pro-footballer smoke club - whose members include Dimitar Berbatov, David James and Zinedine Zidane - during his stag trip to Ibiza.

The biggest concern about this situation isn’t the effect the filthy habit will have on Mr Rooney’s career, but rather his flagrant abuse of smoking etiquette. Honestly, who smokes in a swimming pool? Does he smoke in the shower too? He ought to be thoroughly ashamed of himself.

The Red Devils may have an extra £80m to play with

After exposing the gaps the five London clubs and the Prem newbies need to fill, we have now condiered the manner in which Manchester Utd and Liverpool should redistribute their cash this summer…

Manchester Utd

Top priority:
The best deal for Ronaldo - If he wants out, get shot of him. If United demand big money, Real Madrid are likely to agree and if not, they keep him.
Fergie should demand Wesley Sneijder, who has outperformed Ronaldo at the Euros, in exchange and then use the remaining money to buy another striker.

Fitting the bill: Wesley Sneijder, Dani Guiza, Luis Fabiano, Dimitar Berbatov

Liverpool

Top priority:
A quality winger - Liverpool already boast Gerrard, Mascherano, Alonso, Lucas and Plessis in central midfield so it’s confusing that they make Barry the main priority. Babel is quality, but Kuyt’s a striker and Benayoun and Pennant aren’t good enough.

Fitting the bill: Aiden McGeady, Franck Ribery, Robinho, David Bentley

Spoiler bonus: Here’s who should be on the shopping lists of the other two Merseyside and Manchester clubs…

Everton

Top priority:
A new Lee Carsley -

All of today’s transfer gossip in one neat package

Just last week, Chelsea were confident that they would be signing every big name player in the world - Torres, Ribery, Ronaldinho, Pele, Roy of the Rovers - but now their masterplan is starting to take an unexpected turn. Despite the severe lack of loyalty and pride in the English top flight, it seems that not everyone can be persuaded to switch teams with a huge briefcase of money…

David Villa to Real Madrid or Barcelona
It wasn’t long ago that Villa was declaring Arsenal his dream club, but upon hearing that Chelsea are chasing him, he is so desperate not to join them that he is begging to stay in Spain.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Straight from the free-scoring horse’s mouth

Robin van Persie to Inter Milan
The Dutchman has had a taste of what it feels like to be part of a winning side at Euro 2008 and apparently he’s hungry for more.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Depends if he gets a pay rise

Dimitar Berbatov to Barcelona
The amnesty on Berbatov transfer rumours

Don’t leave them alone with the wife

And so to the less charming side of football - the players who would demand extra money if you dared to make them sweat, even just a little bit. The kind of men you wouldn’t want next to you in the trenches. Were this wartime… and people still used trenches.

GK Carlo Cudicini (Chelsea)
Cudicini is in his goalkeeping prime, and yet he’s happy to lay back in the dugout until Cech gets his face obliterated again. Then he’ll feign an injury of his own - slacker films should be made about this guy.

DL Ashley Cole (Chelsea)
A revolting little man, Cole is totally unaware of a world existing outside of his self-made bubble. In his head, he is king, and Chelsea isn’t his club, it’s just the latest in a long list of suckers to tend to his every bottom wiping whim.

DC Sol Campbell (Portsmouth)
Such are his addled nerves and fragile mind that no club could ever rely on keeping Sol Campbell happy - he’s just too sensitive, bless him. For now, he loves Portsmouth, just adores them, but should they EVER show evidence of not being hopelessly devoted to His Highness, he will go. And that’s not a threat. He actually will. Won’t you, Sol? Ahh, why are you crying? See what you’ve done? Now he’s crying.

While Steven Gerrard can be found whimpering on the streets of Liverpool, seriously disgruntled because his club won’t spend enough money on new friends for him, over in the AC quarter of Milan, rumour would suggest that money is swilling around like expensive sparkling wine in a Jermain Defoe bathtub.

Starting from the back, the Italian giants have been linked with Chelsea’s bemasked goal stopper Petr Cech - supposedly the planet’s most beguiling keeper. In front of him, they’re looking to poach France’s Willy Sagnol from Bayern Munich, as well as the Italian crowd pleaser Gianluca Zambrotta, who used to ply his wares so well at Juve before morphing into a less convincing wingback at Barcelona.

The latest rumoured relief for the burning hole in Rom’s pocket

No one cares about money any more, everyone knows that. You could walk into Spurs HQ with £1 billion this afternoon and you wouldn’t even come out with an Aaron Lennon or Younes Kaboul (okay, you might) - football clubs want extras, they want deals. Hence, it’s all about the packaging.

Liverpool, for example, are unlikely to get Gareth Barry unless they throw in a Riise, or even a Crouch, and now it looks like Mr Moneybags over at Chelsea has twigged that it might take more than the smell of Sterling to attract the attention of the Spurs boardroom. He is instead relying on the perfumed allure of Shaun Wright-Phillips and Nicola Anelka to pry the tricky Bulgarian, Dimitar Berbatov, from the North London death grip.

There is no time to rest in football. Ferguson might have been dancing on the tables last night, but he’d have been back at his desk this morning with a muesli bar from a garage to plan how to best inflict pain on others come August.

Today’s transfer rumours read like this:

Dimitar Berbatov to Manchester United
Wow, where did this one come from? Who knew that Berbs wanted to leave? Might it have something to do with his agent demanding that he leave? As things stand United are front-runners, with Ferguson after a mature football mind to spearhead his attack. But there have also been increasingly fervent whispers echoing in from Barcelona insisting that he can go there if he wants to. Sir Alex will have to be at his most charming and flirtatious to bag this puppy. So to speak.

Samuel Eto’o to Inter Milan
More bad news Spurs. Apparently Inter are set to stroll up to the Barca striker and casually ask whether he’d like to join the Italian champions or the eleventh best Premier League side.