The slightly dull national team shirt just got interesting

For too long, the attractive ladies of our fair nation have been crying out for a means of displaying their patriotism and most of their skin simultaneously. Finally, their needs have been met with the England bikini kit.

It looks like something Sepp Blatter dreamed as part of his crusade to ’sex up’ the ladies’ game, but the skimpy uniform has come to pass thanks to the chaps at Loaded magazine, who have commissioned a number of England kit designs to be auctioned on behalf of the PSP Association (a charidee dedicated to the support of people with Progressive Supranuclear Palsy).

The Spoiler’s second favourite design from the range is the world’s first England kit for dogs. That’s right, dogs…

Arsenal keeper humiliates his butch dog

He may have kept a clean sheet against Roma on Tuesday night, but Arsenal shot stopper Manuel Almunia is clearly in a bad mood. Yesterday, he decided to take his frustration out on his dog (one of those little yappy Terriers), which he paraded around north London on a pink lead and with a pink neon jacket. Only Paris Hilton’s dog has been subjected to humiliation worse than this.

We would have provided a picture of this flagrant animal cruelty, but stealing pictures from tabloid newspapers seems to make their lawyers unhappy for some reason. To see Almunia’s fierce mutt for yourself, click here.

UPDATE: Mad props to our girls at Kickette, who have provided a picture of Almunia’s canine artrocity

Liverpool star advoactes well trained dogs

Obviously bored with Liverpool’s dull-as-dishwater style of play, Fernando Torres has turned to other avenues for (well paid) kicks. A few weeks ago, we saw him star in an advert for a Spanish salon, and now we see him promoting some kind of dog school.

Hang on a second - would one of Europe’s top strikers be a part of something with such shoddy production values? Would he really let a small provincial hairdresser mess with his wonderfully feathered locks? This all stinks of a Nike viral video campaign (look at all the clothes they’re wearing in the clip above), and we’ve fallen for it. Curses!

Spoiler bonus: We recognise that Stevie G-loving German Shepherd from somewhere. Could he be Hank, the stunt mutt who did Nando like a kipper?

[Kickette]

Czech Republic - you’ve done it again

The Spoiler has become a little preoccupied with Czech WAGs of late (see Hedvika Koller and Klára Medková) and today we present Jana Jankulovska. The top-heavy model is the wife of Czech Player of the Year and AC Milan star Marek Jankulovski.

Type in “Roy Keane walks dog” and see what happens

[Off The Post]

Nando meets his match in footballing mutt

In embarrassing news for every defender who has ever let Fernando Torres score past them, Hank the German Shepherd managed to keep El Niño away from the net for a full two minutes during a visit to the West Lancs Dog Display Team in Formby.

Hank, who rubbed it in by wearing his preferred Steven Gerrard strip, has actually been trained to play football, and had the honour of playing at Anfield  in goal at a half time display last year.

Spoiler win bonus: The first person to tell us which dog fan said “It’s nice to be affectionate to something German” wins a DVD copy the Real Madrid movie Real.

Patrick Helmes bags a goal for Emmy

On Tuesday, (a full day before the rest of the English-speaking media caught up) we told you how Germany’s Patrick Helmes was planning to honour the memory of his dead golden retriever Emmy with a goal against England. Thanks to a Terry/ Carson communication breakdown of epic proportions, the Bayern Leverkusen striker was able to “point to the sky with his index finger, look at the clouds and think about Emmy”.

Sadly for Helmes, he had little else to celebrate last night.

Patrick Helmes plans to celebrate memory of his furry friend

When England and Germany’s reserve teams meet in Berlin tomorrow night, one player will be more determined than any other to ripple the net. Last month, Bayern Leverkusen’s Patrick Helmes was devastated by the passing of his 17-month-old golden retriever Emmy, and he has been banging in goals for her ever since:

“My dog was like my baby. I cried for days when she died.”

Since Emmy went to the big kennel in the sky, Helmes has scored twice, and on each occasion he has “pointed to the sky with his index finger, looked to the clouds and thought about her.”

If you see a thoughtful pointing man at the sky in the Olympic Stadium tomorrow night, you’ll know exactly why.

[Bild]