Who will rescue Arsenal star from 1950s time warp?

We all know that Russia is a modern oasis of culture, where misogyny, racism and drunken political violence are a thing of the past.* Despite this, some of its citizens do not hold particularly enlightened views on the world. In his bizarrely-titled book 555 Questions And Answers On Women, Money, Politics, Football, Andrei Arshavin states that women should not have driving licences:

“If I had it in my power to introduce a ban on women driving cars and to withdraw all their licences, I would do it without thinking twice.”

“In my opinion a woman and a man are two absolutely different creatures.”

Female football fans will also be delighted to hear that Arshavin thinks you should leave the cancer sticks alone. ”I dislike women who smoke - and lies,” he said in December. Well put, comrade.

Here’s some more Andrei/ Andrey/ Andriy facts that we learn from this morning’s Sun newspaper:

• He was once hit by a car on the way to training, which sent him “ten metres into the air”. [Ten metres? How fast was the car going and how the hell did he survive?]
• Arsahvin is obsessed with Football Manager, and likes to play it with English lower division sides.
• He is afraid of the dark.
• He is also afraid of water - not because of how deep it is, but “the creatures that are maybe hiding in it”.
• He has a partner named Julia and a son Artyom. They are not married but he refers to her as his wife. Presumably, she doesn’t drive or smoke.
• He has resisted the urge to buy a Range Rover Sport and instead drives a Mercedes GL class.

*Not true

C-Ron defends his recent motoring accident

A few weeks ago, Cristiano Ronaldo decided to raise his insurance premiums even further into the stratosphere by making some drastic alterations to the chassis of his gorgeous £200,000 Ferrari 599 GTB.

Today, he has insisted his driving skills are not to blame for the accident:

“I actually consider myself a good driver. I’ve never had an accident ins ix years, apart from this one.

“I was unlucky, I caught oil on the road, a bit of ice and there you are.”

Perhaps Ronaldo did fall foul of Manchester’s notorious oily-ice tunnels, but are we meant to believe he was sticking to a safe speed? We’re not sure what the official speed limit of the road is, but the only way he could have done that much damage to the front of the car at 30mph would be if he hit a landmine.

Man City forward fears driving in the UK

The Premier League’s most expensive player isn’t averse to taking a helicopter to training, so we were all surprised in his decision to take a bus to a Manchester shopping centre a few weeks ago. Team mate Jo, however, has revealed that the use of public transport wasn’t an act of eco consciousness or humility, but because the Brazilian is terrified of driving on the correct side of the road:

“I’ll tell you why Robinho got the bus. It’s because he hasn’t learned how to drive on the left-hand side of the road yet. He only knows how to drive on the right.”

We’re not too sure about this excuse. Has he not learned how to hail a taxi or employ a driver on the left hand side of the road either?

Spoiler bonus: Observe the correct use of a bus after the jump…

Ribery-less France struggle to take corners

In many parts of France, drivers think nothing of ‘nudging’ parked cars in order to fit their own vehicle into a tight spot. Last night, the French team coach driver employed the bumper car mentality when attempting to enter the Letzigrund Stadium in Zurich.

It’s highly reassuring to know that the French will place millions of pounds worth of footballing talent in the hands of someone who can’t turn round a corner.