Away from the pitch they’re just like you… only cooler

Thank Christ for the paparazzi. There, we said it. Because without these drooling heroes with their gigantic cameras and intrusive personalities, we would know nothing about the real lives of our footballers and their WAGs. Until this afternoon, we were convinced that Rio Ferdinand sent a fleet of slave children to Waitrose to fetch his groceries, that Deco stayed in playing Pro Evolution Soccer during the evenings, and that Cheryl Cole spent all her free time drinking glasses of milk with her husband. Wrong on all counts, it seems. Here’s what we’ve learned thanks to the paps:

1. Rio Ferdinand stocks up on pizza, salad, and Lucozade at Somerfield. Just like the rest of us.

2. When Deco isn’t teaching Lampsie, JT and Drog-Drog how to correctly fashion a stubbly beard, he can be found casually chatting up brunette women in the back of expensive cars.

3. And, most interestingly of all, when Cheryl Cole isn’t weeping to the sounds of mentally sick people singing on X Factor, she glances wistfully out of windows (above), or cowers next to pretty stone walls (below).

See all the proof you need after the jump…

Just a question, not a declaration of war…

Alright, football fans, put the grenades down, and throw your machetes into a nearby hedge. The Spoiler knows the drill by now, your claws are out, and we can only apologise for the headline - we didn’t do it just to stir you into a frenzy of mouth frothing and blue language. We are not Liverpool fans (for the most part), we’re just looking at the facts. Perhaps once you’ve sobered up enough, you might find time to study them with us?

Firstly, Liverpool are the only Big Four team that no one ever wants to leave. Chelsea are struggling to keep Lampsie and Drog-drog interested, Hleb and Flamini couldn’t wait to scarper from North London, and even up in Manchester - supposedly home to the best team in Europe - Cristiano Ronaldo is champing at the bit to get away, and start afresh on a new set of local prostitutes. Probably Spanish ones.

Yet, over in the Merseyside city of Liverpool, no one can bear the thought of not coming home to Rafa Benitez’s warm womanly bosom, regardless of the fact that the city is about as far away from being a genuine European Capital of Culture as you can get (where next? Norwich?). Even Crouchie - a man with sophisticated tastes for things like oysters and Abbey Clancy - seemed reluctant to go south.

Time to rip it up and start again, Chelsea

What the Christ! Last night the world was treated to probably the worst fairytale of all time, akin to Cinderella meeting Prince Charming, only to find that beneath the sparkling veneer he’s actually really anal and a bit clinically depressed. It was all there for the Chelsea team and Abramovich - the big final, in Russia, the captain (Mister Chelsea, apparently) seconds away from making dreams come true. Then they blew it.

After years of hurling money around willy-nilly desperately striving to create something wonderful, has the Chelsea team finally imploded under the weight of expectation? The summer will surely see the likes of Drogba, Carvalho (absolutely awful last night) Malouda (shocking) Anelka (non-plussed) and even Lampard head off in search of a less hated team.

He was bullied!

In the past year, Lassana Diarra has left both Chelsea and Arsenal looking for first team football, but this is a convenient excuse to cover a painful and embarrassing problem: he is a victim of bullying.

Just look at him being hounded by team mates (and the interviewer!) in the video above - he can hardly wait to run home and cry into his pillow.

I’m currently working on getting the elusive footage Drogba wedgies the young Frenchman, Geremi steals his lunch money and Makelele tickles him until he wets himself in front of the entire squad.

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