Bitter rivalry channelled via the medium of hideous shorts

Recently, Real Madrid star Sergio Ramos has been hell-bent on making a chump out of Cristiano Ronaldo. Not only did he boff C-Ron’s pneumatic lovely Nereida Gallardo, but he attempted to completely crush his humungous ego by outdoing him in the swimwear fashion stakes.

Thankfully, Ronaldo’s ego is tenacious, and he found the resolve to recover some pride while shopping in Los Angeles yesterday. How does one respond to Sergio’s shiny gold shorts, you ask? With shorts that are even smaller and shiner, of course!

The tricky winger, whose skin tone has transformed from a light beech to a rich mahogany this summer, will make preened football stars around the globe rethink their look with his fierce hotpants and pink T-shirt combo.

It’s your move, Sergio…

[This Is Extra Time]

Catalonian giants preparing for a mass exodus

Should you be wandering past a giant television set playing tonight’s Barcelona game, be sure to give it a quick glance and a nod, because chances are you won’t be seeing this group of players so spectacularly failing together again. It should never have been like this.

Taking their cue from the film Escape to Victory (Pele, Ardiles, Bobby Moore, Sly Stallone) or the Real Madrid “Galacticos” (Figo, Zidanne, Roberto Carlos, Beckham, Ronaldo, Raul), the Catalan side made big steps in building a superstar team, only to come hugely unstuck - realising that big names don’t always gel (Abramovich take note). Henry, Ronaldinho, Deco and Eto’o would be the star players at practically any other club in Europe, but Messi has seriously messed with their chi, and stolen their thunder… by being utterly brilliant. Hence, over the summer months expect to see them disbanding, all harrumphing off to different corners of Europe (mainly London) to be soaked in the kind of glory they demand.

Of the smaller names, defender Eric Abidal is rumoured to be Liverpool bound, Iniesta has been approached by Real Madrid – with gigantic figures like 60 million Euros being hurled around - and Zambrotta has failed to light up Spain regardless of his impressively sculpted mini-beard, and could be heading back to Italy where they love fashionably assembled stubble.