You know the people, the ones who pop around unannounced and spend the entire evening telling you how tired they are, and how things just never seem to go their way. Wouldn’t it be great to rain a few over-the-top punches onto their moping little faces? Yeah, then they’d have something to moan about, then they’d have something to say. With that in mind, imagine the dreary dressing room that this little lot would make for.

GK Jens Lehmann
Moody Jens doesn’t socialise with his team mates, citing the big age gap as a main problem. They, on the other hand, would probably cite his ungodly whinging and arrogant manner.

DL Ashley Cole (c)
The look of utter disbelief on Ashley’s face whenever he gets booked tells you everything you need to know - he can’t believe it, why is everyone picking on him! Plus his wife just dared to get upset because he had sex with loads of other women, and it wasn’t even his fault. God, shut up, he didn’t ask to be born, you know! Our captain.

DC Younes Kaboul
Younes always seemed such a happy fellow, bounding toplessly into Jol’s arms after that great goal (against someone). But his recent huff about Ramos not giving him enough cuddles have made for a big fat grumpy baby.

DC Tal Ben Haim
Those who read The Sun a few weeks ago would have seen the pics of Tal Ben Haim in the back pages stuttering and holding back the tears, as he whimpered about how Jose was really lovely, but Avram isn’t, and he doesn’t like his new daddy, and…. big breath… he just wants to go somewhere else. What a misery guts.

Wow, what a week of football. First Liverpool and Chelsea proved that it wasn’t just a coincidence that people start gouging their own eyes out whenever they play, then Man United and Barcelona strove to make a potentially exciting game completely rubbish. Congrats guys, mission accomplished. Still, we don’t totally hate football yet, and some crazy transfer talk has been filtering in aaaall morning…

Darren Bent to West Ham
The ghost of Darren Bent has been whispered to be returning to haunt his old boss. Spurs will then spend all of next season scratching their heads and debating why there is now a spare hook in the dressing room.

Luka Modric to Newcastle
Modric could have his pick of any Premier League club this summer, but his mum has spoken to Mark Viduka’s mum, and they want their boys to look after each other next season. Luka, of course, didn’t ask to be born, and will be found moping around the centre circle with luminous yellow snot on his brow.

El-Hadji Diouf to Manchester City
El-Hadge looks Manchester bound, which, he’ll be pleased to know, is about spitting distance from Bolton.

Especially this guy