He ain’t going no place

Anyone who has enjoyed the finest two hours of homoerotic fighter pilot entertainment you can buy/rent, Top Gun, already understands just what is holding Cristiano Ronaldo back from his move to Madrid. He’s the best player here in Blighty, surrounded by tiny little people who learnt to play football hoofing medicine balls around council estates. But over in Spain (ie. Top Gun, school of excellence), these kids play with a whippet-like spring and verve, and Ronaldo might come unstuck.

After all, look at Euro 2008. In a strong Portugal team, he failed to light up the stage with the same gusto as players like Arshavin and David Villa, and if anything, he’s returned home from the competition with the clamour from Real Madrid turned from the furious smashing of cymbals to a gentle tap on the window. Would they really be willing to pay £70 million for him now? It appears not. The competition in Europe provided some of the fastest and most exciting football ever seen at tournament level, with little of the highlights starring the man from Portugal dazzling down the flanks.