With his naff tracksuit and huge perm on display at The Emirates, is it possible goalkeeping coach Xavi Velero asked Harry Enfield for advice on blending in on Merseyside?

Newcastle owner caught boozing at the Emirates

Most football fans who enjoy the odd tipple are painfully aware that drinking alcohol in sight of the playing surface has been banned from the beautiful game since 1985. Obviously under the impression that the laws of the land do not apply to millionaires, Newcastle owner Mike Ashley was caught red-handed by Setanta cameras downing a pint of the good stuff in the stands at the Emirates on Saturday evening.

According to red-faced Newcastle officials, Ashley was “offered a drink which he thought was non-alcoholic so he took it in good faith.” However, an Arsenal representative has responded saying non-alcoholic beer is not sold at the Emirates, and they are launching

Standing at the Emirates is a major safety concern

In a bid to quell the raucous, euphoric atmosphere at The Emirates, Arsenal have sent an email to their members to remind them what their seats are for:

Ahead of the new season, we just wanted to take this opportunity to explain our policy concerning standing in the seated areas at Emirates Stadium.

We do understand that many of you want to show your support and urge the team on - and we have no objection to people standing in order to see a particular move or at crucial points in the game. However, in one or two sections of the stadium, it is becoming increasingly apparent that supporters have been standing throughout some of the matches.

[…] If just one person falls over when there are many standing, this can cause a ‘domino effect’ to occur, and many people could suffer injury as a result.

The health & safety police make an excellent point about the dangers of prolonged standing. Just last week, I was waiting at a bus stop when the ‘domino effect’ sent scores of us helplessly into the road. The horror.

It’s fair enough that fans shouldn’t stand for the whole match in the family block or in front of the disabled zone, but asking those behind the goal to sit down when they pay through the nose for the privilege to occasionally sing when they get a corner of showing their passion seems a little ridiculous.

UEFA organisational genii leaves ‘Scouse’ kids traumatised

An under-15s side from Skelmersdale couldn’t believe their luck when they were awarded free tickets to last week’s Champions League clash between Arsenal and Liverpool at the Emirates by UEFA. The naive youngsters, however, failed to notice they were not sitting with the away fans, and when they celebrated Dirk Kuyt’s equaliser, all heck broke loose.

Ray Radford, the brilliantly-named manager and chaperone of the Arriva Youth side, said:

“We were having a great day until Liverpool scored. We were seated smack bang in the lion’s den and were abused by grown men - men in suits.

“These weren’t louts. They started shouting at the lads as soon as they realised we were Scousers.

“They started shouting about Michael Shields and Heysel - it was pandemonium.

Arsenal’s feelings trampled by provincial poetry

Aston Villa fans amused themselves at the Emirates on Saturday by performing some songs on the subject of Eduardo’s almost losing his foot the previous week. Our Arsenal witnesses claimed they were unable to decipher the precise lyrical content at the time, but just the mention of Eduardo’s name by Villa’s minstrels was enough to earn the visitors a shower of currency.

Amongst the chants were, to the tune of What’s That Coming Over The Hill?;