Who’s next?

‘The Away Days Gang’ - the infamous group(s) of armed raiders who ‘earn’ their coin targeting north-west based footballers playing away matches - have been caught slipping lately, apparently having forgotten Phil Jagielka hasn’t kicked a ball in six months.

However, their ingenious ruse is still winning fans amongst the robbing community in the south-east. According to Essex police, career crims have been lining up to pilfer from Essex’s finest, with a spate of identical ‘away days’ burglaries breaking out. Hide the Baby Bentleys!

Serial WAG receives comeuppance for destroying relationship

News of the World readers will have been shocked to the core to read that  Danielle Lloyd - the glamour model who is passed around the Premier League like currency - has been accused of stealing someone else’s footballer boyfriend.

Spurs star Jamie O’Hara was in a relationship with model Sade Metcalfe for four years, but was recently snared by Miss Lloyd’s “charms” (read: “big fake boobs”). Scorned WAG Sade only discovered the infidelity when she saw the pair at it on TV, and to make matters worse, the midfielder has taken back the £28,000 Mercedes he gave his former love.

Over the weekend, Sade made her feelings towards the perpetual footballer boffer very clear. According to The Sun, the pair confronted one another at Essex nightclub Funkmojoe, and Dani received an unwelcome punch to the face, leaving her with a cut lip:

A scuffle broke out with friends of Sade, 23, and Danielle claims one smashed her in the face

Spurs striker is motivated by scoring ‘Arry money glamour girl

When his second home China White closed its doors for the final time last month, Jermain Defoe held a candle lit vigil in Piccadilly, weeping for the wonderful glamour girl-boffing memories its four walls had provided him with.

The club’s second greatest patron (or maybe third, behind Gaffney) was former reality TV show star Chantelle Houghton. Champion swordsman Defoe had already rutted his way through many of Chantelle’s ilk (Charlotte Meares, Danielle Llloyd etc) before the pair started seeing each other romantically in November, and it’s been love ever since. Awww.

Now, the pneumatic model is attributing his recent good form (huh?) to her presence in his life:

“I love watching him play because all I do is look at his legs.

“I’d like to think his recent good form is all down to me of course.”

We couldn’t agree more. About the legs, that is. She continued:

“I’d seen him around before and thought he was gorgeous but he always had a girlfriend.

“This time is he was single and we just got on really well.

“Things are going brilliantly. He makes so happy and it’s such a good feeling. I think he could be The One. I hope so anyway.”

Chantelle - who married someone she didn’t really like after meeting him on a reality TV show - is probably being a little optimistic calling Defoe “The One”. As far as he is aware, “monogamy” is how Scottish people celebrate the New Year.

Spoiler bonus: More Chantelle here

Jermain Defoe boffs yet another glamour girl

Essex girl Chantelle Houghton came to the nation’s attention when she highlighted the farcical nature of Celebrity Big Brother, easily winning the competition despite having no fame whatsoever. She then married fellow contestant Samuel Preston (the hypocritical chap from that band who had a fantastic first album that contained lyrics heavily criticising those who “sell out”) and slowly worked her way towards an inexplicable massive fortune.

These days, Chantelle does her best Jordan impression, hanging around London nightclubs with fellow WAG wannabes Chanelle Hayes and not-a-racist Danielle Lloyd. The latter is currently very angry with her former BBF for going where so many sketchy virtuous girls have gone before - into the arms of prolific nightclub swordsman Jermain Defoe.

If you fancy buying some drugs on a night out, head to Essex!

The highest concentration of WAG and footballer activity can be found in the overpriced clubs of Soho. But for a more relaxed (cheaper) evening, many head towards the provinces, and in particular Faces Nightclub in Gants Hill.

Where: On the Cranbrook road in Gants Hill, a stone’s throw from the Tube station. If lost, one of the local drug dealers will happily point you in the right direction.

How much: Entry is a modest ten pounds, but you can