We’ll find out soon enough if this one’s got legs

The Spoiler will be the first to admit that this one is a little far-fetched, but for fans of preposterous rumour, here goes:

1) Newcastle have found a buyer

2) The lucky winners are a consortium of either Russian or Ukranian businessmen, or both

3) Their business is music

4) They are somehow connected to the Eurovision song contest

5) They will be in charge by the weekend

Meet Europe’s biggest maniacs

Face it, without MOTD to watch at the weekend, and with no one around to talk to, you WILL be watching the Eurovision Song Contest. Not least because it’s the most enthralling and weird television you will ever see in your life. Europeans are genuinely bananas.

Click here for the ultimate Eurovision guide

When bogged down with manly things like football talk and chainsmoking, The Spoiler likes to secretly kick back and unwind by seriously studying Eurovision betting markets - there is a lot of money to be made.

Our source in Serbia (this year’s host nation) reports back that Ireland missed out on getting to the finals last night, because they couldn’t figure out how to control their puppet turkey without the rest of Europe seeing some sweaty old puppeteer in the background. Our foreign pals were not amused.