While everyone else is out topless sunbathing, The Spoiler has been zooming about the undergrowth hunting for transfer rumours. Today this is what they’re saying:

Michael Owen to Everton
After Keegan’s inspirational speech about never becoming a top four team, it seems that Michael Owen is frantically searching for the Newcastle exit. So desperately that he’s been linked with the old enemy. Nice one Keegs.

Daniel Alves to Manchester United
United’s burly shaved gorillas in suits will be seething after Chelsea nabbed Boswinga while they were outside bumping chests and celebrating the contract. Their revenge will be creeping into Sevilla and bundling Alves onto the back of Sir Alex’s motorbike.

What is wrong with Kevin Keegan? It’s like he’s living in his own secret dream world where the top four teams in the Premier League no longer even exist. He’s already done his twittering and moaning about how they’re killing football, but now it looks like he’s taken to just totally blanking them.

So who are his Premier League heroes? The team he strives to become? Everton.

Hope everyone enjoyed the summer - those were two pretty hot days. But don’t wrap up and sit patiently for Christmas just yet, there’s still some movement on the transfer market. Here’s the latest…

Steven Gerrard to Inter Milan
If Crouch is worth £15 million, Benitez probably has Gerrard at around £9 zillion. Inter might need to go back with their £25 million and come back with something a little more realistic, huh Rafa?

Aliaksandr Hleb to Barcelona
Spagetti-legged Hleb is so keen to get away from Arsenal that he’s apparently ready to fork out millions to get out of his contract. All the talk has been of Inter, until today when someone from Barcelona coughed and everyone got suspicious. Spill the beans, Hleb.

When Kevin Keegan isn’t smearing his grubby hands all over their faces, football’s finest businessmen are busy shouting into mobile phones, downing shots of hot coffee, and hanging around in steam rooms persuading footballers to join their club. Just this morning, a bunch of fatties were spotted listening to harp music in big white towels talking about these transactions:

Anton Ferdinand to Tottenham
You have to admire Ramos’ strategy, after all, if he buys every single defender in the Premier League, other teams will have to field children at the back. In the long term, it’s a work of utter genius - have you seen kids play football? They can’t tackle, they’re rubbish.

Steve Sidwell to Everton
Having roared like an inferno with the Chelsea Reserves, it looks like Sidwell might yet pursue a career playing actual competitive football - this time trading Ballack, Lamps and JT, for the second best Neville brother (or seventh if you count 70s Soul group The Neville Brothers), Cahill and Lescott.

Lassana Diarra to Tottenham
Silly us, no one realised that Diarra isn’t looking for a career in football, he’s traveling. And now he’s ready to use his round-the-world ticket on a flight to North London - no doubt wearing some hippy beads and a tattoo that he got done during a crazy full moon party on one of Portsmouth many sandy beaches. Don’t forget your didgeridoo Lassana!

Brilliant, it’s a bank holiday! Which, of course, means an extra night of drinking, fighting and lurching home head-first muttering swear words under your breath. Another day of waking up in a hedge wondering why your shins ache, another day of mooching around the town centre blissfully unaware that someone graffitied “twat” on your forehead in pen while you were stoned. Have fun, everyone! But before you get your first pint in, why not peruse today’s transfer rumours… give yourself something to talk about.

Dean Ashton to Manchester United
Ashton has only just dislodged Carlton Cole as the first-choice striker at West Ham, and even then his own fans aren’t entirely convinced that it was a good idea. Something tells us that Rooney and Tevez won’t be stomping into Ferguson’s office tearfully demanding answers when they get wind of this one.

Kasey Keller to Bayern Munich
Now that Oliver Kahn is well into his 60s, it might be time to hand the batton over to a younger gent - like, say, 57-year-old Kasey Keller. Nice idea, Germans.

As ever, there was no time last night to revel in the joy of a Paul Scholes stonker, because while football is being played, behind the scenes people in dark suits are having business meetings, and those meetings are very important - they include “guesstimates” and “sushi”. Here’s what may or may not have been talked about in some of those sweaty deep-into-the-night think tanks:

Kamel Ghilas to Arsenal
Arsene Wenger’s team of dehydrated football forragers have once again resurfaced in their mining helmets with soil on their faces muttering like crazy people about an Algerian man called Kamel. At the moment he plays casual football for Portuguese side Vitoria Guimaraes, but next season he looks set to be entertaining Arsenal crowds, who love sexual football and Cesc Fabregas.

Antonio Valencia and Wilson Palacios to Manchester United
Yes, Ferguson will be on the hunt for bright young talents, currently dominating other first teams, to strengthen his reserves, and these two might be just the ticket. They do it week in, week out for Wigan, but can they do it perhaps once every three/four months for United when Nani, Anderson, Carrick, Hargreaves, Scholes, Ronaldo, Giggs, O’Shea, and Fletcher are all injured? Or it’s the Carling Cup?

People have been doing some serious big talking over the weekend - Jose to Inter, Frank to Inter, Didier to Inter. But, worry not, not everyone is off to Inter. Phil Neville, for example, will probably stay at Everton. And these guys all have one thing in common: they’ re all not going to Inter… yet.

Ashley Young to Chelsea
Time has come to accept that the Shaun Wright-Phillips experiment just isn’t working - he arrived small, quick and unable to pass properly, he will leave small, quick, and unable to pass properly. Only with a bit less confidence. So good work Chelsea. Next on their list of bright young talents to destroy is Aston Villa’s speedster Ashley Young. Don’t do it Ashley!

Steven Gerrard to Chelsea
With Frank Lampard set to resume his sensual love affair with Jose Mourinho, this time with a dreamy Italian backdrop, the Chelsea money may again be hurled into Steven Gerrard’s frowning face. With a couple of their top earners off the squad, Abramovich might even shatter payment records. Don’t do it, Stevie!

The rudest WAG in the Premier League. Probably.

Thomas Gravesen may be powerless to help Everton reach the hallowed top four this season, but at least the on-loan midfielder gets to come home to the loving embrace of girlfriend Kira Eggers. If you recognise the thirty-three year old WAG then shame on you - she is Denmark’s most famous hardcore porn star. (Do a Google Image Search of her name and you’ll find the kind of stuff that would make even Jermain Defoe blush.)

Journalists catch Mr Expressionless in a verbally dextrous mood

Something tells me Chelsea boss Avram Grant is a little peeved about his persecution in the press. After last night’s victory at Goodison Park, The Toad threw a lollipop on the floor, stamped his feet and muttered the following through a grumpy pout:

A deserved win? Grant: “Yes.”

What pleased you about the display? “I’m pleased.”

What pleased you? (After eight second delay) Grant: “I don’t know.” When the Blues boss was asked if he had an issue with the Press he said: “No.”
Grant was furious that the match was brought forward 48 hours at the request of Sky Sports.

As skipper John Terry walked down the tunnel after the win he roared to his team-mates: “We’re still in it boys.”

But Grant was less positive. The Press conference continued . . .

Is it a relief to win here? Grant: “Yes.”

Are you more satisfied with the performance or the victory? “Both.”

The Chelsea fans must believe you are still in the title race, do you have a message for them? “No.”

Crafty British broadsheet identifies the vandal in the Chelsea line up who ruined all their dreams

The young men at the Guardian’s daily football email The Fiver, though over-educated and known to get through eight pints of sarcasm of an evening, have put their weakness for detective drama to good use for once. They have cleverly deconstructed Chelsea’s season and in a piece of deduction worthy of the great Christie - that’s the crone Agatha, not the seventies pop group responsible for Yellow River - to reveal the malign spirit putrefying the core of CFC. If you wish the identity of the villain to be revealed, read on.

(If you wish to subscribe to The Fiver, or read today’s The Fiver in its entirety go here.)

“As Avram Grant drags his surly also-rans up to Goodison Park for tonight’s tryst with Everton - a match that’s been rendered as meaningless as zgfhzxkagkatyg by Chelsea’s flower show against Wigan on Monday - there’s one key question the Fiver feels compelled to answer: who is Chelsea’s weakest link? Before considering the evidence, we can, of course, rule out two unlikely