Chelsea/Everton, Saturday 3pm, ITV1, £25 no loss Bet

The Big Four enjoyed a twelve year period of uninterrupted FA Cup dominance until last season, when Portsmouth gatecrashed the party. This year, the responsibility of ensuring the oldest football cup in the world stays out of the hands of the Premier League’s elite.

Check out the Big Match Wizard we have produced with Betfair to find out about Ashley Cole’s unprecedented FA Cup success, Chelsea’s superb defensive record when Alex plays, Louis Saha’s habit of scoring against the Blues and shitloads loads more vital betting statistics.

The numbers have persuaded us to back Everton to win 1-0 with Saha grabbing the winner - take a look now and decide if we are being a little bold.

Europe awaits world’s most annoying fan

It’s a sad day for the FA Cup final when all the cameramen are more interested in that astonishing looking idiot in the stands, dressed like a monster, leaping up and down. The Spoiler thought it wise to delve a little bit deeper and find out just who this moron is…

1. His full name is John Portsmouth Football Club Westwood – he added the Portsmouth FC back in 1994 by deed poll.

2. John is a 47-year-old divorced father-of-two, and was chosen to be one of the featured people in the BBC’s “One Nation” series.

3. John has a ridiculous sixty Portsmouth tattoos on his body, the club crest shaved on to his head and ‘PFC’ engraved on his teeth.

4. John has travelled to every Portsmouth home and away game in the last twenty-four years.

Also appearing on a computer near you…

Fancy some spread betting on the FA Cup Final?
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Revving Girls: the least eco-friendly foot fetish out there
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Avram Grant spent last night with shameless WAG Z-lister Chanelle Hayes
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Ex-Basketball Legend Charles Barkley owes $400,000 to a casino
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Find out which film Anna Kournikova just watched and other trifling nonsense on her revamped official website
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Sky Sports’ slightly depressing new advert
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American sports agency apologises for ‘forgetting about David Beckham’
[The Offside Rules]

Very funny: Extending album art
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Cardiff/ Portsmouth, Saturday, 3pm, BBC1, bet here

In an early episode of the League of Gentlemen, demented old bag Tubbs Tattsyrup (favourite food: worms) retires to a cave with a road map of Britain. The map comes from the belongings of yet another unfortunate traveller she has done in with her brother/husband Edward, and as she flicks through the pages of this strange document, enjoying a hair sandwich, she suddenly stops and announces in wonder, “There is a Swansea!” This weekend, all those millions of foreigners in their Canadas and their Thailands who have become addicted to Premier League football, with a particular weakness for regular Big Four action, will discover that there is also a Cardiff. They will find that football grown in a less financially privileged environment is so ugly as to be barely watchable. And they will also discover a need for powerful dictionaries to help them interpret all the guff about plucky underdogs and “the romance of the Cup”. Although the Wager generally has little time for underdogs - we like winners! - all our cash is going on a Welsh win.

Think we’re mental for liking the Bluebirds? Or traitors? Then get on ‘arry’s Pompey!

The statistics

* Cardiff won their final league game 3-0. The last four teams to score three or more in their final league game before the Cup Final have gone on to win - Liverpool, Arsenal, Chelsea and Manchester United.

* With Benjani sold and Jermain Defoe cup-tied,

The best sports on the telebox this weekend

Tonight is all about the League One Play-off semi-final between Doncaster and Southend. Much like the bookies, The Spoiler believes Donny will send the Essex boys packing at Keepmoat tonight. Disagree? Put yer money where yer mouth is, hot shot.

It’s another packed weekend of sport, so stay out of the rain and enjoy the following:

FRIDAY

Cricket
England/ New Zealand First Test (Sky Sports 1, from 10.30am) - chickendinner betting preview
Mumbai Indians/ Kolkata Knight Riders (Setanta Sports 1, 3.30pm)

League One Play-off Semi-final
Doncaster Rovers/ Southend Utd (Sky Sports 1, 7.45pm)

SATURDAY

Cricket
England/ New Zealand First Test (Sky Sports 2, from 10.30am) - chickendinner betting preview
Rajasthan Royals/ Bangalore Royal (Setanta Sports 2, 11.30am)
Delhi Daredevils/ Kings XI Punjab (Setanta Sports 1, 3.30pm)

Scottish Premier League
Motherwell/ Rangers (Setanta Sports 1, 12.30pm)

FA Cup Final
Cardiff City/ Portsmouth (BBC1, 3pm) - chickendinner betting preview