The latest transfer gossip, rumours and damned lies

Fabian Assmann to Chelsea
Goalkeeper Assmann - whose WAG Melina Pitra happens to have a very nice, er, personality - has been linked with a £4m move to Stamford Bridge by the Argentinean press.

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: Such an offer would almost certainly be snapped up by Assmann’s current club Independiente, but the move will probably depend on how much faith the next Blues manager places in Petr Cech.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic to Real Madrid
Despite his proven ability to remain completely anonymous in big games, Real Madrid remain

Argentinean model with an appropriately-named boyfriend

Perform a quick Google image search of Argentinean model Melina Pitra and you will learn two things: she is is hot enough to make clergymen weep, and she is very keen to display her fabulous derriere.

Keen to draw more attention to her greatest asset, the 23-year-old has snared an aptly named footballer - Independiente goalkeeper Fabián Assmann.