Least surprising news of the week…

The Daily Mail are claiming Premier League clubs have been leaving the well-being of their multi-million pound stars in the hands of a Serbian housewife who locals describe as ‘looking like Morticia Addams’.

Since her cover was blown by Robin van Persie on Tuesday, Mariana Kovacevic has gone into hiding, leaving the world’s press (and Serbian health officials, who have no record of this horse-guts operation existing) camped outside her clinic in New Belgrade, waiting for her to get back:

Within five minutes of each other Arsenal’s Van Persie left in one direction, while Liverpool pair Glen Johnson and Fabio Aurelio arrived from the other. By last night it appeared that Kovacevic may have already moved her placenta supplies and massage table elsewhere.

Hull’s Giovanni manages to fit preaching into his busy schedule

Apparently, Giovanni’s Premier League success cannot be attributed solely to his own skill and determination: the Brazilian also has the Good Lord on his side.

While playing for Manchester City, Gio attended the New Hope Fellowship Church in Hulme, a Brazilian institution where sermons are read in Portuguese and English. Using his middle name Diberson, the Hull forward continues to attend the church, and regularly gives sermons to a congregation that has boasted Fabio Aurelio and Elano among its ranks.

Fellow Pastor Ezequias Santos told the Manchester Evening News:

“Deiber has been working with boys in the local area and doing some great work.

“Like Kaka, he is a Brazilian player who has kept his faith and remained humble even though his life is now very different to ours.

“He wants to be part of the community and help youths develop good behaviour, even though he now has a wealthy background.”

The Spoiler is impressed by Giovanni’s efforts - few other top flight players possess even a passing familiarity with the concept of doing something selfless and without grotesque remuneration.