Behold, an innovative exit

In these days of modern football celebrity, it’s important for sportsmen to exercise discretion when they’re out. Beckham, for example, would probably use a secret back door to leave a restaurant, while Lampsie would never even dream of going for a milkshake without disguising himself in shades/cap/prosthetic nose. And, judging by the weekend at Faces in Essex, Ledley King likes to keep his head down by careering headfirst from nightclubs with his trousers around his ankles and the smell of fresh vomit on his breath. It’s an interesting technique.

Gentleman goes out on the lash…

Everyone deals with stress differently. Some throw bricks through pub windows, some weep on park benches, some (notably Villa/Liverpool/Arsenal’s Gareth Barry) put on their finest ripped jeans and head off to Faces Nightclub in Essex.

Not just any old nightclub, Faces has also been described as a “lounge”, which basically means they have a sofa, and glorious women like Danielle Lloyd and Charlotte Mears absolutely love it. And no surprise - the website promises a zany mixture of Funky Electro House in one room - presumably for those looking for a head-rush - or sensual RnB in another - for clubbers looking for a snog.

No one can confirm which room Barry attended, but by his calm demeanor, we’re going to presume he went to the snogging one.

Well, hello there, beautiful racist…

For those of you unfortunate enough not to have made it to Faces nightclub in Essex over the weekend, you missed out on one hell of a party. Mutya from Sugababes had her tatts out, Charley from Big Brother was overheard gabbling into her phone, and sometime WAG Danielle Lloyd showed up in an almost see-through number. Yeah, that’s right - WOW.

Just thank Christ we’re here to fill you in on the goings on.

After the jump, Danielle Lloyd flirts sexily just for you…

What are we now? It’s like Tuesday or something, and yet Jermaine Jenas is still out on the town bathing himself in champagne, wearing shiny black shirts, and glancing lustfully at women to celebrate winning the Carling Cup.

Like the rest of the Spurs team, he was at Faces nightclub on Sunday night to watch Ledley King morph into an angry drunk, but even the possibility of a smacked bottom from Juande Ramos couldn’t stop him embarking on night two down at the

If you fancy buying some drugs on a night out, head to Essex!

The highest concentration of WAG and footballer activity can be found in the overpriced clubs of Soho. But for a more relaxed (cheaper) evening, many head towards the provinces, and in particular Faces Nightclub in Gants Hill.

Where: On the Cranbrook road in Gants Hill, a stone’s throw from the Tube station. If lost, one of the local drug dealers will happily point you in the right direction.

How much: Entry is a modest ten pounds, but you can

From the social networking site that brought you anti-Danielle Lloydism

The model friend who invited me to join the ever-popular and well-publicised ‘Charlotte over Danielle any day’ group on Facebook has just started a new group on the social networking site.

The new group is named ‘The Anti WAGABE Society’, and it’s purpose is described below, via the medium of bad spelling and grammar: