O Fenômeno’s weight-related epiphany is three years overdue…
Since returning to Brazil after pies and feeble knee cartilage called time on a 14-year European career, Original Ronaldo has been enjoying his football. He’s racked up 19 goals in 25 games for Corinthians so far, bagging a league title and Brazil Cup in the process.
All this success has made him hungry (not an unfamiliar feeling) for glory on the world stage … if he could just get rid of his gut.
In an interview with Brazilian TV channel Globo, the tubby genius relayed plans for world domination next summer:
“Right now, today, I would not even call myself up [for the national team] … I am going to make a huge effort, maybe the biggest effort of my entire career. I am going to do everything I can to be there [in South Africa for WC2010] … I think it will largely depend on the first semester of 2010.
It is Corinthians’ centenary year and we are going to take part in the Brazilian championship and the Libertadores Cup… I am going to admit it, I am fat. Television adds 3 kilos. Here I have five cameras pointing at me. So that’s 3 kilos per camera!”
We’ll assume the ‘huge effort’ will be however much exertion is required to pick up a phone and book a liposuction appointment.
Sorcerer is currently making anti-CRon spell in his ‘laboratory’
The ever-mental Spanish sports papers have excelled themselves once more, with news reaching us from El Mundo that Real Madrid is under siege by an anonymous voodoo priest.
A letter has been received by the club from a man who claims to have cast a spell that would leave the Portugese man-o’-sex crocked in a freak accident, after being contracted to do so by a mysterious frenemy (Sir Alex? Ruud? Nereida Gallardo?):
I’m not antimadridista. I have nothing against this great club. I am a professional and someone has paid very well for me using my powers. I have been hired to make Cristiano Ronaldo suffer a serious injury.
Amazing - Chelsea vs Liverpool. In Nigeria. If anyone has the full film, we’ll swap you our life savings and children.
Watford’s Jay DeMerit is out of action after suffering an injury that made The Spoiler cringe for about half an hour. And it’s not a broken leg.
[Daily Mail]
Unsurprisingly, it’s not worth taking anything Ian Wright says in those rubbish adverts for the The Sun seriously.
[The Times]
Want to sound knowledgeable at the office watercooler during the next (inevitable) Calciopoli scandal? Click on…
[Juventus.The Offside]
Evil Ronaldo bobblehead haunts our dreams. We’re sorry for calling you fat! (Not really)
[Dirty Tackle]
Darren Bent twitter update: He’s not visiting Tiger Tiger again, as he got ‘pure hassle’ from Newcastle fans last night. Also, Fraizer Campbell is back on XBOX Live. Hurrah!
[@dbthetruth]
Arsenal youth prospect Mark Randall’s alleged WAG poses NSFW-ishly
[ZOO Today]
Troubled Corinthians striker has something in common with Sol Campbell besides excess weight
(Fat) Ronaldo’s return to Brazil has been blighted by injury, lipsocution surgery and his coronation as ‘King of the Transvestites‘, and the tubby striker’s fortunes appear to have taken yet another unfortunate turn.
Reports from Rio say that the Corinthians star has been ordered by a court to take a DNA paternity test, after a Brazilian living in Singapore claimed he is the father of her four-year-old child.
Michele Umrazu, 27, had been under the impression that her American ex-fiance was the daddy, but
Corinthians striker hawks shaving gear, improves bank balance
After donning a figure-hugging Godzilla outfit in order to promote a South American soft drink, (Fat) Ronaldo is now a spokesperson for a Brazilian razor manufacturer. The Bozzano model boasts five blades, which is the bare minimum required to get around a face as gigantic as his.
It seems that (Fat) Ronaldo isn’t the only Brazilian footballer to go under the knife for cosmetic reasons.
Marca - the font of all La Liga nonsense and scurrilous gossip - today claim that Barcelona’s Dani Alves has had his ears pinned back. The right back apparently underwent the procedure on a rest day following the summer Confederations Cup tournament.
Judging by the pictures above, Alves will almost certainly receive less Gary Lineker comparisons this season.
Striker receives unwelcome reception from the club he betrayed
He has won two World Cups, has been top scorer in leagues all over the world and has been voted FIFA World Player of the Year three times, but (Fat) Ronaldo’s legacy will forever be tainted by his love for transsexual prostitutes.
The Corinthians striker wasn’t even playing in Sunday’s clash with Flamengo (he is recovering from his wrist injury and liposuction surgery), but home fans at the legendary Maracanã stadium devoted a large part of their collective energy to belittling the tubby Brazilian. In addition to a fetching pink banner that read “Ronaldo King of the Transvestites”, Flamengo fans sang chants that labelled him “fat” and “queer”.
The Mengão faithful were particularly aggrieved with Ronaldo, who said it would be his “dream” to move
Rotund Brazilian striker loses weight the cheaters’ way
(Fat) Ronaldo was in hospital this week after breaking his left wrist in a 3-0 defeat to Corinthians on Sunday. Knowing that he is likely to be out of action for anything up to five weeks while his bone heals, the tubby Corinthians striker also used the opportunity to get liposuction.
Spanish paper AS say that Ronaldo had planned to have the procedure in December, at the end of the Brazilian season, but instead had it done at the São Luiz hospital this week. Surgeons were originally planning to remove 1.6 litres of fat from his abdominal area, but in the end successfully sucked out 700ml. The operation lasted less than an hour.
The World Cup winner has been training heavily since joining the Campeonato Brasileiro Série A side, but as a man over 30, has encountered difficulty shedding the localised fat on his belly.
Apparently, none of the management team at Corinthians were aware of his intentions to shift his weight the artificial way.
He is expected back in action on September 5th, and hopefully he will no longer have the turning circle of a cargo ship.
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