Who do we turn to in our hour of need? Steve McClaren!

It’s been a horrible few days. Firstly, Man United flopped when all the long shots in our Champions League accumulator delivered and then Lyon once again mugged Liverpool in injury time yesterday.

When your luck is down, you probably don’t want to be relying on a Goodison Park goalfest, Spanish strugglers finding form and Steve McClaren. The Spoiler loves a long shot though…

Over 2.5 goals in Everton/Benfica
Six of Everton’s last seven European games have produced three goals or more. Benfica are the most prolific team in Portugal by miles and thumped five

The Playboy model who has made a Liverpool star fear for his life

Thanks to their love of Bulgarian models with mafia connections, our friends at Dirty Tackle have cast a sexy light on Nikoleta Lozanova. The 2006 Bulgarian Playboy Playmate of the Year used to step out with Liverpool’s Nikolay Mihaylov, but her terrifying new man has been giving the on-loan goalkeeper some grief:

Mihailov, who ended last season on loan at Steve McClaren’s FC Twente, is being shadowed round the clock by at least three minders after an acid attack on his £170,000 Ferrari sports car.

Reports in Bulgaria claim that a violent row began when local mob godfather Georgi ‘The Head’ Stoilov began dating Mihailov’s former girlfriend, model Nikoleta Lozanova, who was crowned Bulgaria’s ‘Playmate of the Year’ in 2006.

It’s Henk ten Cate’s daughter! In her pants!

It’s a sexist world. While the sons of world famous footballers get to follow in their father’s footsteps (see Darren Ferguson, Nigel Clough), the daughters must carve a much sexier path path. Elaine ten Cate, offspring of ex-Chelsea assistant and current Panathinaikos manager Henk, has taken the Bianca Gascoigne road to fame by posing for Dutch FHM in her undercrackers.

Elaine also qualifies as a WAG - she is going out with FC Twente’s Youssouf Hersi.

FC Twente boss continues to embarrass himself in the Eredivisie

Steve McClaren’s post match interview checklist:

• Foreign managers in the Premier league are successful, so try to emulate their mannerisms and command of English
• Put an upward inflection and pause at the end of every sentence to make it sound as unnatural as possible
• Speak unnecessarily slowly - this disguises the ghastly northern accent and ensures the interviewer is suitably patronised
• Use lots of tired clichés like “we killed the game by scoring more goals” and “anything can happen in football”
• Learn nothing from criticism of new speech pattern

Spoiler bonus: Check out Schteve’s Braveheart impression from earlier this week

[Spotted on Off The Post]

FC Twente gaffer trades Dutch accent for Scottish raw

Redknapp’s plans to play the reserves might need altering

While all four still stand a strong chance of progressing, the Premier League’s UEFA Cup hopefuls Aston Villa, Portsmouth, Tottenham and Manchester City all drew interesting group stage opposition.

Harry Redknapp spoke about fielding reserves in some games but may rethink that policy when they clash with overwhelming tournament favourites AC Milan while Aston Villa will be challenged by Martin Jol’s Bundesliga table-toppers Hamburg and Marco van Basten’s Ajax.

Tottenham drew two teams whose star players they raided this summer - Luka Modric’s former side Dinamo Zagreb and Roman Pavlyuchenko’s old club Spartak Moscow while Manchester City will face off against Steve McClaren’s FC Twente in one of the toughest groups.

The good news for the Premier League representatives were that all four avoided Sevilla, Valencia and Standard Liege, who are three of the top four non-English clubs in the betting. The full draw is after the jump.

That Ronaldinho must be a bad influence

Being such a devout Christian, Kaka usually does everything possible to shy away from controversy but even he couldn’t resist a dig at Jose Mourinho after AC Milan triumphed 1-0 in the Milan derby.

The former Chelsea boss was adamant that his team deserved a point from the game and also took a swipe at Serie A leaders Lazio. He said:

“I saw two teams tonight and neither one deserved a win more than the other,” before adding: “When I look at the table, with all due respect, I don’t look at Lazio, Napoli or Catania. I see that we are ahead of Roma, Juventus and Milan.”

Kaka, whose compatriot and polar opposite Ronaldinho scored the winner with his first goal for the club, bit back by saying:

UCL qualifiers, 8.05pm, BBC3 (Ars) and ITV1 (Liv), Free £30 bet

Former England manager and self-ordained Dutchman Schteve McClaren hasn’t had much luck in North London during his career, and that won’t change tonight. Meanwhile, the luck that has seen Liverpool claim maximum points in the league will continue when Standard Liege visit Anfield.

Read on for reasons why Arsene and Rafa will be celebrating tonight…

Five reasons why Arsenal will beat FC Twente

1. Last season Arsenal won the away leg of their Champions League qualifier with Sparta Prague 2-0 but they didn’t ease up in the second - winning 3-0.

2. Steve McClaren’s last trip to the Emirates while Middlesbrough boss saw him suffer a humiliating 7-0 defeat.

3. Arsenal have lost just one of their 56 home