Florentino Perez to give each player a booklet of rules

Since Cristiano Ronaldo’s arrival at Real Madrid, the Spanish capital’s nightclubs and escort agencies have been bracing themselves for a sharp increase in trade. Madrid’s evening entertainment industry, however, has been dealt a devastating blow by news on the front page of this morning’s Marca: Florentino Perez will issue each player of a booklet detailing the rules of behaviour, and “night excursions” are now prohibited.

Even though the booklet has yet to reach the hands of any of Real Madrid’s stars, Marca have somehow obtained a copy, the highlights of which we have translated below…

1. Proximity
Players will need to appear approachable to the fans.

2. Education
Players must show respect towards all coaches, managers and fans.

Madrid’s Fernando Gago bags another famous Argentinean

Fernando ‘Lady’ Gago may have lost his Real Madrid squad number to some new Brazilian chap, but at least his luck on the lady front continues. Following romances with the lovely Luli Fernández and the even lovelier Pía Martinez, the Argentinean has started actress Micaela Vázquez. She is best known in South America for her roles in dismal-looking soap operas Chiquititas, Rebelde Way and Floricienta.

Los Blancos show the world one of their new employees

Last night, Real Madrid held a press conference to unveil their second biggest summer signing, some chap called Kaka. Around 50,000 ‘madridistas’ piled into the Bernabéu for a glimpse of their new hero dressed in white, which is more than the average attendances of all but two Premier League clubs last season.

Kaka was tipped to take on the number 5 shirt, making him the third consecutive world player of the year to wear it (after Fabio Cannavaro and Zinedine Zidane). However, it was revealed that he will wear number 8, and Fernando ‘Lady’ Gago will inherit the hallowed number 5, as it is said to be a “very special number” for the Argentinean.

The Brazilian made a very brief speech to the fawning crowd:

“Today it is a very special day for me, I am very happy that this new stage of my career is in Real Madrid. My desire is to have my name in the history of this club, with victories and conquests.”

One man who is hoping for conquests of a very different kind is Cristiano Ronaldo (seamless link, eh?). He was supposed to be unveiled yesterday too, but his press conference has been put back until Monday, presumably so they can build a stage big enough for his ego. This morning, Madrid paid Manchester £80m in full for The Portuguese winger’s services.

Spoiler bonus: Check out video of Kaka’s big day after the jump…

Another fine WAG offering from South America

Real Madrid’s Fernando Gago is a lucky man. Not only does he have access to Sergio Ramos’ hair straighteners, but he also has a knack of attracting the attention of fabulously good looking Argentinean women.

In addition to the lovely Pía Martinez, Lady Gago has also romantically entertained Luli Fernández, a famous model, actress and, er, ice skater.

A major player in Argentina’s ongoing WAG scandal

Pía Martinez entered the world of Waggery earlier this year on the arm of Real Madrid midfielder Fernando Gago. It appears that the couple have since parted ways (allegedly after a sex tape leak), but the topless Argentinean model has recently been implicated in the scandal surrounding Sergio Agüero and Giannina Maradona, daughter of Diego.

Agüero - who is now the father of Diego Maradona’s grandson - has apparently been caught going at it with a ‘mystery blonde’ in an Argentinean nightclub called ‘Kika’. Pía was accused of being said mystery blonde, but despite being present at the club, insists she was an innocent bystander. The genuine catalyst of infidelity has been revealed as 22-year-old Luisana Vacarelli, who insists that she is “not a slut“.

Nine-foot tall youngster also made to hug Argentina coach

When the Argentinean football team trained at Parkhead yesterday, tragedy struck when Real Madrid star Fernando Gago lost a gold St Christopher chain somewhere on the playing surface. Recreational drug fan Diego Maradona called a halt to proceedings, and enlisted the help of Celtic’s ball boys to find the precious item:

“After several dozen people had spent 10 minutes looking, 13-year-old Adam Brown came up trumps and found the lost gong. Maradona ran over to the boy, lifted him in an embrace of thanks, and then gave the lad the woolly hat and gloves he had been wearing to keep out Glasgow’s East End chill.”

A woolly hat and gloves. For finding an invaluable piece of jewellery belonging to a millionaire who plays for one of the biggest club in the world. Looks like somebody needs to attend the Olivier Kapo school of gratitude.

[The Independent]

Someone’s been watching Easy Rider

Messi has long resembled a reject from The Monkees (or a young Brian Wilson), so stand him next to his Argentinean team mates Fernando Gago and Ever Banega, and it’s like the 1960s all over again, man. Hilariously, The Spoiler thought it an idea to tag Neil from The Young Ones onto the end of the picture to really hammer the point home.

Get a haircut, damn pot smoking hippies!

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