Brazilians demonstrate cavalier attitude to health and safety

Following a 1-1 draw with Santos on Sunday, Corinthians were delighted to win their thirty-first Sao Paolo State Championship.

To celebrate this hard-earned achievement, captain William took the trophy  - believed to have been modelled on a pimp cup - up on a crane so everyone in the stadium could get a good look. Unfortunately, the combination of streamers, ticker tape and open flames left the captain covered in a lot more fire than usual.

Fortunately, no one was hurt in the incident. However, (Fat) Ronaldo - who may or may not have been deemed too heavy to put on the crane - spoke out about the piss-poor safety standards:

“It was obvious that it was going to catch fire,” he told a news conference.

“They should have thought of something better.

“William could have been burned and, instead of celebrating, we could now be visiting him in hospital.”

“I lament the disorganisation,” added Ronaldo, who was surrounded by reporters and cameramen as the final whistle went.

“I didn’t have the chance to celebrate with our supporters, I kept getting hit by microphones.”

[Marca and The Guardian]

Nike find new way of endangering top sports stars, general public

Everyone knows that kids like to emulate their idols, so when Kobe Bryant jumped over a car, thousands of impressionable youngsters across the world were giving it a shot on camera. In their latest contribution to social responsibility, the big swoosh sportswear manufacturer have set Cesc Fabregas on fire. Nice work, chaps.

In a leaked memo, The Spoiler has discovered the names of future promo campaigns: ‘John Terry base jumping in a strait jacket’, ‘Fernando Torres shot out of a cannon into cactus field’ and ‘Jermain Defoe contracts an STI in Chinawhites toilet cubicle’.