We read them so you don’t have to

A gentle teaser for the weekend led to correct answers from Sam Dale, Bigshow, Alvin Chang, Teshner, Dark Knight, Mizman, Q, Perdo Jardim, Stephie and MwepuLlunga, who all guessed that this extract was from Ryan Giggs’ autobiography. Goodie bags have been emailed to one and all.

Today’s entry of the ungoogleable competition that is the watercooler topic of conversation at every office in the country, can be found below. Who used some crayolas to write the following:

The one I have had trouble understanding is, ‘you fat bastard.’ I have always been among the leanest of specimens. Perhaps I have looked a bit blobby sometimes in midwinter down the years because I have to wear several T-shirts under my shirt. I feel the cold so badly, due to having an under-active thyroid gland as a result of taking pills for that heart defect I was diagnosed with when I was a teenager.

Leave your answer below, and the actual answer will be unveiled in tomorrow’s installment.

UPDATE - No correct answer thus far so we have our first rollover. Two pats on the back on offer therefore, if anyone can spot the winner. Today’s clue, is that it is the author’s second book, and this one focuses more on his brief managerial career to date.

Javier Flórez shoots a supporter for calling him “weak”

As Andrés Escobar discovered fifteen years ago, Colombian football and gunpoint murders go together like peas and carrots. The latest victim of this unfortunate harmonious relationship is a fan of Atletico Junior, who pushed Javier Flórez over the edge.

Apparently, the midfielder was driving home after a defeat to Once Caldas in the Apertura tournament when a group of youths started hassling him. When they shouted “Weak! Weak!” at him, he allegedly got out of his car and started firing. 27-year-old electrician Israel Campillo was killed after finding himself on the wrong end of two bullets.

Witnesses claim the footballer fled the scene on foot, at which point enraged locals in the Barranquilla neighbourhood destroyed his car with stones.

Flórez has since handed surrendered himself to the police.

[Marca]

Get ready for some highly scientific psycholoanalysis

In the manner of a slightly effeminate bushfire, Boys Week on Kickette is raging on. The Spoiler’s latest contribution is entitled ‘What your favourite footballer says about you’. In it, we explain what your favourite footballer says about you. We’re very transparent when it comes to naming features, you see.

Head over to Kickette to check it out.

Handsome meets angry at the home of English football

As part of a campaign intended to help raise awareness of malaria, David Beckham had the pleasure of playing football and tennis with Scotland’s grumpiest sportsman at Wembley on Tuesday.

The Spoiler doesn’t feel any more aware of malaria for watching this, but we couldn’t help notice two things. Firstly, Beckham appears to jump on the anti-Wembley turf bandwagon by calling attention to the unpredictability of the bounce. And secondly, Andy Murray seems to be taken in by AC Milan star’s charms. “You hit like you’ve played before,” he says, lost in Beckham’s eyes…

[Spotted on Off The Post]

…if you wish to confuse everyone

Do you have a penchant for 100 per cent cashmere scarves? Do you have a spare $150? If you answered yes to these questions, and you have a strong desire to antagonise white van drivers and Daily Mail readers, then Wong Wong are here to help.

New York based designer Stephen Wong’s luxury scarf range combine the traditional colours of several European clubs with “traditional football terminology”.

For example, Wong says his ‘Penetration’ scarf is derived from Arsenal’s attacking style. “People say it as a natural [European] football term, but when you take it to a different context, it’s funny,” he reasons.

Apparently, Celtic are known for their “kick long-and-chase” (!) approach, earning them the ‘Hump and Run’ slogan.

Apparently, this means “to pass and run into space for the return pass without pausing.” That’ll be a “one-two”, then.

Check out more utterly bizarre (yet strangely endearing) American commentator speak in the rest of the collection after the jump…

Alexandra Paressant looks to create misery for another sportsman

When footballers first sign a professional contract, they should be made to agree they will never go anywhere near compulsive liar Alexandra Paressant. The French ‘model’ first hit headlines when she claimed she was sleeping with Ronaldinho during World Cup 2006. The Brazilian ended up suing her, thanks to a series of fabricated photos and ‘anonymous’ blog posts.

Paressant then caused a scandal by claiming she had been steamrollered by NBA star Tony Parker, after being introduced by Thierry Henry. Parker’s wife Eva Longoria wasn’t best pleased, but her claims were soon dismissed as fantasies. Even Paressant’s mother has admitted that her daughter is prone to making up stories.

Such is the extent of her shameless lying that the picture above almost certainly isn’t her - she has been known to circulate pictures of much hotter models, passing them off as herself. (Real Paressant looks like this, which goes a long way to explaining why we put up a picture of fake Paressant.)

According to Marca, Paressant is looking for a new victim, preferably a sportsman. The Spanish paper also reveals that she was arrested for a jewelry robbery in October.

Be afraid, footballers. Be very afraid.

Man City’s inconsistent star accused of taking cocaine

Brazil is famous for many things - beautiful beaches, colourful street parades, slightly gay-looking currency - but if the claims of Pele are to be believed, the South American nation may soon gain a reputation for footballers who dabble with naughty substances.

During a private tourism event, the legendary erectile dysfunction solution advocate claimed (Fat) Ronaldo and Robinho had been on the cocaine while attending a private party in Sao Paolo:

“It is unfair to talk about drugs in football because of just one or two cases, like Ronaldo and Robinho, who have that problem.”

Pele may have been caught out revealing an unspoken truth about Brazilian football, but it is more likely he was trying to divert attention away from the curious case of his son Edinho, who was a known cocaine user and suspected drug trafficker.

After Robinho’s hilariously bad penalty kick yesterday (3.15 above), a spokesman for the Brazilian pooh-poohed his accusation:

“We strenuously refute any such suggestions. The notion of him taking drugs is absurd and we completely deny it.”We are trying at this moment to get Pele to clarify the situation.

“We think these comments have been genuinely misunderstood or got lost in translation.”

‘Ballers get involved in a little import/export

Spanish cocaine lovers will be devastated to hear that 600kg of the white stuff has been seized by police, in a smuggling ring that is said to involve many stars from the world of football.

Eleven people have been arrested, including two recruiting agents and several current and former professional footballers. The Spanish press allege one of the naughty substance gang is a former Atletico Madrid star, and another is a former manager of a French first division team.

BBC News reports:

The Spanish authorities believe the suspects were using their football connections as a cover for drugs trafficking.

The police found the cocaine hidden in packets among machine parts for wind farms inside a shipping container in Madrid.

The drugs had been transported to Spain by boat from Argentina.

The authorities alleged the agents organised this smuggling operation while on a trip to Latin America recruiting professional footballers.

Following the arrests, FIFA have said they “strongly condemned any criminal activities which may be, even if indirectly, associated to football.”

Despite Adrian Mutu’s best efforts, Spain consumes more cocaine than any other European nation.

A tip of the hat to Daryl at The Offside for pointing our noses in the direction