All of today’s transfers, just for you…

And so Big Brother kicks off again tonight, supposedly featuring a whopping sixteen new faces for you to fantasise about destroying/licking. All of them are sure to have one thing in common - their friends describe them as “wacky” or “bubbly”, or any other such made-up term to avoid saying what they really think. They’re cretins, and “wacky” is just another word for “cu… what’s that? Transfer news? Oh go on then…

Xabi Alonso to Juventus
Imagine standing silently in the room watching your ex-girlfriend heavily petting with her new man - she left you damn it! Great, now your blood is actually boiling. Okay, now put the plank down, take a breath, rinse the sweat from your shirt, and times that feeling by two - that’s exactly how Alonso will feel when Barry trots into Anfield next season. Xavi, go, don’t look back. Run like the wind.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: He’ll go

Aliaksandr Hleb to Barcelona
Silly Hleb, he was only going to Italy for the paella, now he’s realised it’s a Spanish dish! What a wally! Or, more accurately, Mourinho doesn’t seem keen, Barcelona do.

All of today’s rumours, translated from Portuguese

Well done Chelsea - after striking the fear of God into everyone for ages, the mask appears to have slipped. Roman didn’t get his wish of a winning final in Russia, all the best managers are giving them a wide berth, and what are the chances of Lampsie, the Drog-man, and even snarling Mikey Essien heading out east to lick pasta sauce from Mourinho’s chin next season? Pretty high, many would argue. And, it doesn’t end there…

Ashley Cole to Inter Milan
Mourinho had quite some effect on the Chelsea players, a bit like Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society - you know, where the young boys find rebellion through poetry? Heart wrenching film, that one. Williams doesn’t crack a single gag. Anyway, in a similar vein, Ashley Cole might move towards Mourinho, if people waft enough money stink his way.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Time to alienate Italy, Ashley?

All of today’s rumours…

Casting a double act correctly is an exact science. The great ones - Morecambe and Wise, The Two Ronnies - relied on their hilarious differences to make people laugh. Ronnie Corbett was a tiny little thing, while Ronnie Barker was a big fatso - brilliant! Morecambe wore glasses, while Wise stood silently beside him with a straight unbespectacled, haunted, face. Some double acts, however, are just far too similar to work. We are, of course, referring to Hoddle and Waddle in the 1980s. It was never going to succeed. Not a single person could tell them apart. One unlikely double act that might shock us all, however, is the zany pairing of old man Hughes and little David Bentley…

David Bentley to Manchester City
The barking mad word on the street is that wherever silver haired Hughes goes, blabbermouth Bentley follows. Today, it’s destination Man City, but everyone knows they’ll both be at Chelsea come next week.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Chelsea beckons

Roque Santa Cruz to Manchester
With the walls tumbling down at Blackburn, Sir Alex is looking to slide in and pick up the tearful foreign players - starting with Santa Cruz for £15 million.

Chief Exec caught being proactive!

Note to all Premier League chief execs - this is how to keep your people happy.

Perhaps Arsenal could get some kind of cash machine installed, instead of relying on Wenger’s cobwebbed purse?

Today’s rumours written down for you to read

For fans of Britain’s Got Talent, The Spoiler is backing either the kid who keeps moaning that people want to hit him because he sings like Aled Jones, or the long faced street urchin who bodypops. Not - make this clear - the Cheeky Monkeys, who might look like wonderful little toddlers but are, in fact, total cretins. Vote them OUT! And, in other big news, today’s transfers are another hot potato…

Michael Johnson to Everton
Why play sexy football with Arsenal or Liverpool when you could play thump-and-smash with Everton? That’s probably exactly what David Moyes said to young Michael, who joins the rest of the Man City squad of headless chickens in frantically running away from gun-waving maniac Thaksin Shinawatra.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Sorry Everton, but the new Steven Gerrard looks destined for one of the Big Four.

Richard Dunne to Tottenham
Ramos’ plan to buy every single defender in the world is starting to take shape. Only hundreds more to go, Juande.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Would be guaranteed a starting place, as King and Woodgate take it in turns to rest their weeping heads on matron’s womanly bosom.

All today’s transfers in a scroll down listy thing

Think about it: Italian men always seem to be wearing hair product, they probably look at us and wonder why we don’t bother. Well, riddle over, Italian friends - you obviously haven’t heard of something called rain. It’s a watery substance that Ricardo Carvalho can give a talk on next season when he’s at Inter. Perhaps by way of introduction? Oh, and speaking of transfers…

Ricardo Carvalho to Inter Milan
Like an obedient young robot, wherever Mourinho goes, Carvalho is programmed to follow. Luckily for him, that means paying a visit to the food capital of pizza and chips - Italy.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Who could say no to Jose?

Shaun Wright-Phillips to Portsmouth
Portsmouth are willing to fork out £10 million on Shaun Wright-Phillips, whose only skill is to run fast. Harry, you could get Dwain Chambers for a bag of drugs and a quid.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Likely

Scottish legend confuses a pot with a black kettle

Those barking hounds from Real Madrid are forever circling Old Trafford, panting and sniffing around, desperately trying to locate the whereabouts of Cristiano Ronaldo. They obviously didn’t bank on Sir Alex Ferguson batting them away with a pooey stick.

“In terms of great clubs, Barcelona have far better morality than Real Madrid will ever have,” honked Fergie this week, “Real use this Marca newspaper as a vehicle to unsettle players.”

All today’s rumours in a big sexy list

While the football season ended about a week ago, Rafa Benitez had built up so much talking momentum that his mouth has failed to stop, and the last few days have seen him overheard by passers-by droning about how he wants more money, and Wenger’s an idiot, and he’s the boss of the best team ever, and the world is cruel. He wants money! More money! Arrrrrggggghhhhh!…. shut up, Rafa. Shut up and read.

Samuel Eto’o to Chelsea
Having previously failed to sign Luka Modric, it really looks like Chelsea are keen to lose all of Tottenham’s transfer targets. At this rate Spurs might start thinking they’re a big club. What’s that? They do already? Very funny.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: This one could depend on Frank Rijkaard

Frank Lampard to Inter Milan…again
The Daily Mirror seem to be on top form again. On the very same day that every other paper leads with the story that Roberto Mancini will reject Chelsea and stay at Inter, the Mirror report that Jose Mourinho is definitely off to Italy and Lampard will be joining him. Those people are either way ahead of the game, or stuck in April.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Hmmmmmmmm