Wow, what a cup final it’s going to be - no Defoe, no Fowler, no recognisable goal scorers on either team. Get ready for a stonker, people! To calm you down, and get that heart rate back to around normal, here’s some very sobering news from the transfer underground…

Cristiano Ronaldo to Real Madrid (which we reported straight outta the Spanish press last week)
After spending most of the season casually toying with Premier League teams like a panther wafting around a gerbil with one of it’s shiny claws, Ronaldo is probably bored of the silly Premier League with its dim-witted defenders and smarmy goalkeepers. He may be wise, however, to read Chaucer’s Tale of Thierry Henry - it’s about a man who thought he had it all, but so didn’t.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: May have peaked for Man United already, don’t count against it.

Ricardo Carvalho to Real Madrid
While everyone stands back and applauds John Terry for being Mister Chelsea, it’s actually the gentleman next to him with a middle-aged hair-don’t doing all the work. As the people of Spain will find out next season.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Without Mourinho there to give him cuddles, what’s the point? Should be off.

Well, the great news, Arsenal, is that it isn’t your football that is making Hleb want to leave you - no, he loves the style of play - it’s your city, your home, your people. They’re the problem.

Like most agents, the man who does all of Hleb’s talking (Nikolai Shpilevski) doesn’t like to put words in anyones mouth, but still chose to air exactly what is going on in the busy mind of the bendy-legged Arsenal man, at least as far as he can tell.

“Alexander is just tired of the noisy and chaotic life in the British capital and feels like living in calmer surroundings,” he sighed, “if any clubs want to add Hleb to their ranks they should talk to Arsenal.”

If you’re planning to go to Glasgow tonight, don’t, it would be a silly silly move. Should Rangers win, Celtic supporters go bonkers, should Rangers lose, everyone goes bonkers. And, of course, “bonkers” is street slang for face punchy and eye scratchy. You would be far wiser to read about today’s transfers and say nothing more about it…

Carlos Puyol to Man United
Fergie has long been an admirer of Puyol’s gorgeous long hair and robust playing style - the whisper is that he’s going to throw Gerard Pique in as bait.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: He’s Mr Barcelona, and the Ferdinand/Vidic axis of strength might be impossible to break. Unlikely.

Giovani dos Santos to Chelsea
This guy has been hailed as ‘the new Ronaldinho’, which presumably means he’s a great footballer, not a podgy nighclubber who could eat his breakfast through a fence.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Warm, very warm.

There is no time to rest in football. Ferguson might have been dancing on the tables last night, but he’d have been back at his desk this morning with a muesli bar from a garage to plan how to best inflict pain on others come August.

Today’s transfer rumours read like this:

Dimitar Berbatov to Manchester United
Wow, where did this one come from? Who knew that Berbs wanted to leave? Might it have something to do with his agent demanding that he leave? As things stand United are front-runners, with Ferguson after a mature football mind to spearhead his attack. But there have also been increasingly fervent whispers echoing in from Barcelona insisting that he can go there if he wants to. Sir Alex will have to be at his most charming and flirtatious to bag this puppy. So to speak.

Samuel Eto’o to Inter Milan
More bad news Spurs. Apparently Inter are set to stroll up to the Barca striker and casually ask whether he’d like to join the Italian champions or the eleventh best Premier League side.

Hope everyone enjoyed the summer - those were two pretty hot days. But don’t wrap up and sit patiently for Christmas just yet, there’s still some movement on the transfer market. Here’s the latest…

Steven Gerrard to Inter Milan
If Crouch is worth £15 million, Benitez probably has Gerrard at around £9 zillion. Inter might need to go back with their £25 million and come back with something a little more realistic, huh Rafa?

Aliaksandr Hleb to Barcelona
Spagetti-legged Hleb is so keen to get away from Arsenal that he’s apparently ready to fork out millions to get out of his contract. All the talk has been of Inter, until today when someone from Barcelona coughed and everyone got suspicious. Spill the beans, Hleb.

When Kevin Keegan isn’t smearing his grubby hands all over their faces, football’s finest businessmen are busy shouting into mobile phones, downing shots of hot coffee, and hanging around in steam rooms persuading footballers to join their club. Just this morning, a bunch of fatties were spotted listening to harp music in big white towels talking about these transactions:

Anton Ferdinand to Tottenham
You have to admire Ramos’ strategy, after all, if he buys every single defender in the Premier League, other teams will have to field children at the back. In the long term, it’s a work of utter genius - have you seen kids play football? They can’t tackle, they’re rubbish.

Steve Sidwell to Everton
Having roared like an inferno with the Chelsea Reserves, it looks like Sidwell might yet pursue a career playing actual competitive football - this time trading Ballack, Lamps and JT, for the second best Neville brother (or seventh if you count 70s Soul group The Neville Brothers), Cahill and Lescott.

Lassana Diarra to Tottenham
Silly us, no one realised that Diarra isn’t looking for a career in football, he’s traveling. And now he’s ready to use his round-the-world ticket on a flight to North London - no doubt wearing some hippy beads and a tattoo that he got done during a crazy full moon party on one of Portsmouth many sandy beaches. Don’t forget your didgeridoo Lassana!

Sweet Baby Joseph, it is HOT outside. It’s all ice lollies, hand held electronic fans and bikinis in this office. But don’t be fooled, we’re not just keeping ourselves cool, there’s also work to be done. Today’s transfers read like this:

Peter Crouch to Portsmouth
So long are Crouch’s spindly spiders legs that he’s somehow managed to score thirteen goals this season - all from his seat in the dugout. Just imagine how he’d get on if he was actually playing. Word is, Portsmouth have been doing exactly that.

Michael Kightley to West Ham
Despite the fact that Alan Curbishley headed straight into hiding after getting humiliated by Man United, the gossips at the Mirror have been heard going on and on about how he wants the Wolves winger, and by Jimmy he’s going to get him.

It’s inevitable that Berbatov will be playing Champions League football next season, hence the men in suits at Tottenham have been frantically shuffling paper and yammering about possible alternatives. David Villa was looking the most likely target.

Until today.

Brilliant, it’s a bank holiday! Which, of course, means an extra night of drinking, fighting and lurching home head-first muttering swear words under your breath. Another day of waking up in a hedge wondering why your shins ache, another day of mooching around the town centre blissfully unaware that someone graffitied “twat” on your forehead in pen while you were stoned. Have fun, everyone! But before you get your first pint in, why not peruse today’s transfer rumours… give yourself something to talk about.

Dean Ashton to Manchester United
Ashton has only just dislodged Carlton Cole as the first-choice striker at West Ham, and even then his own fans aren’t entirely convinced that it was a good idea. Something tells us that Rooney and Tevez won’t be stomping into Ferguson’s office tearfully demanding answers when they get wind of this one.

Kasey Keller to Bayern Munich
Now that Oliver Kahn is well into his 60s, it might be time to hand the batton over to a younger gent - like, say, 57-year-old Kasey Keller. Nice idea, Germans.

If you’re reading this on Thursday morning, welcome brother/sister, the sun is still nice and shiny (although we just heard thunder) and free love rules. If it’s Thursday evening/ Friday morning, please help, we’re hiding in an alleyway just behind the office, and there’s a big guffawing clown with blonde hair stomping around saying he owns London and punching people in the face. Call the police.

The final day of freedom’s transfers read thusly:

Micah Richards to Manchester United
The growing hum in the north is that Micah Richards might dare to cross the City/United divide, and spend next season making Wes Brown totally regret signing a new contract. Apparently he has been sickened by his club’s treatment on gentle Sven - and for a humble £23 million, he may be keen to experience a whole new world of angry locals.

Leo Messi to Manchester United
The more sluttish United supporters have decided that Messi may actually be sexier than Ronaldo. The solution: dump Ronaldo, get Messi! They are naughty.

Michael Johnson to Arsenal
Arsene Wenger is so sick and tired of everyone telling him that no one in his side is from England, that he may yet be driven to buying Gareth Barry AND Michael Johnson in an unruly spending rage. Then everyone can shut up, and the promising midfielders can join Richard Wright and Francis Jeffers on the secret list of English players who shouldn’t have gone to Arsenal.