They’re a disgrace, a big revolting disgrace…

Okay, we’ve drooled enough over the Arshavins and the David Villas, now it’s time to load up the claws and get stuck into some massive Euro 2008 flops. These men should think about getting a new day job - especially you, Ronaldo, or whatever your name is! What’s that? It is Ronaldo? Yeah, well…. shut up!

GK Petr Cech (Czech Republic)
His mistakes were costly, the hat looks stupid, and he’s getting more and more grumpy - starting to resemble the world’s most sullen gimp.

DL Paulo Ferreira (Portugal)
Lack of match practice and being played out of position made Ferreira appalling against the Germans. Needs to locate his footballing ability.

DC Lilian Thuram (France)
In fairness, he should never have been there. Too old for the modern speedsters with their shiny trainers and spikey hairstyles. Someone needs to tell him to stop.

Frenchman holds head high in Paris

It’s hard to know how to get over a bitter blow to the heart. Some people head silently to a nearby field to weep undisturbed into the night, pausing only to punch the ground and shout “why” over and over again at the heavens. Others take out their anger with a series of good old fashioned street brawls.

Raymond Domenech - the most unbelievably French human being since Rene in Allo Allo - likes to take a calmer approach to soothing his addled nerves and broken dreams. No rambling madness, no blood shed, just a casual Parisian bike ride followed by a gentle wash, cut and blow dry (below). Good for you, sir.

Which Spaniard deserves a smacked bottom?

Big tournaments always seperate the wheat from the chaff, the goats from the sheep, the real heroes from the posers wearing drainpipes etc. And this year has been no different. Going in, everyone was blathering about Ronaldo, and saying things like “it could be France’s year, seriously, I just know it”. How wrong those idiots were.

Make no mistake, it’s been a great tournament, and there is still time for some big names to become great again, but for now, The Spoiler barometer has cast it’s aspersions. Don’t fight it, drink it in.

Topping the table with a phenomenol run is Valencia’s David Villa - a man who can somehow make time to fashion a pencil beard and score four goals for Spain. He has left Torres in the shade. To think he was going to go to Tottenham. Hilarious.

Also on the up and up is Russia’s revelation Andrei Arshavin, one of the Zenit St Petersburg crop. His lofty Russian wages won’t scare off the bigger names in Europe post-tournament, so expect to hear much more from him.

Those two are joined in the top half of the barometer by Wesley Sneijder - the pick of the excellent Holland team - and Turkey’s Nihat Kahveci, who scored probably the best goal so far against Petr Cech, supposedly the best goalkeeper in the world.

Sliding down towards the other end is Germany’s Klose - tipped

Ribery-less France struggle to take corners

In many parts of France, drivers think nothing of ‘nudging’ parked cars in order to fit their own vehicle into a tight spot. Last night, the French team coach driver employed the bumper car mentality when attempting to enter the Letzigrund Stadium in Zurich.

It’s highly reassuring to know that the French will place millions of pounds worth of footballing talent in the hands of someone who can’t turn round a corner.

French find themselves up baguette creek without a croissant

After Franck Ribery dropped to the ground in agony, clutching those around him as if he were frantically uttering his final words, the Italians were destined to control last night’s Group B match. Still, France boss Raymond Domenech considered the defeat a ‘beautiful moment’ and found time to propose to his girlfriend live on French TV straight after the final whistle. Maybe he can put his impending payoff from his employers towards the wedding.

Despite Adrian Mutu’s attempts at covering every position on the pitch, the Romanians couldn’t break down Holland’s B team.

Car company capture spirit of cheating in Euro 2008 advert

If Les Bleus are attempting to befriend their Dutch cousins so that they may show them some mercy in their final group game tonight, they’re going about it the wrong way.

Why have Toyota chosen to pick on the Oranje in this advert anyway? Sure, Arjen Robben goes down like a sack of shit when the breeze blows, but no one hates the Dutch. (Well, except Michael Caine in that third Austin Powers film.)

It’s the Italians they should be accusing of foul play. If you need to know why, check out Alberto Gilardino’s beaut of a fall against Celtic after the jump…

Dutchman forced to choose between country and future club career

Dutch boss Marco van Basten is perfectly within his rights to field a weakened team against Romania tonight (”It’s not against the rules, it’s a fact of life,” said UEFA spokesman William Gaillard), and eliminating the possibility of meeting France or Italy in the semi-finals would appear to be a wise move. However, former Italy gaffer Cesare Maldini has claimed the Dutchman can forget about coaching in Milan if he rolls over Portugal-stylee tonight:

“Van Basten has a two year contract [with Ajax after the Euros] but I know that after he wants to come to coach in Italy.

“Will it be at Milan? We will see. But for sure he will want to arrive in Italy with a clean slate, and he cannot do this by losing to the Romanians on purpose.”

The word ‘vendetta’ comes from Italian (I know, I was surprised too), so there’s little chance the boot-shaped nation will forgive and forget the coach if he fields a weakened side against Adrian Mutu and co tonight. But will he succumb to Italian pressure? Is he even interested in the AC Milan job? Let us all know your thoughts with a comment below.

[Goal.com]

Raymond Domenech subscribes to chickendinner’s theory

France boss Raymond Domenech has started to crack under the pressure of being pretty rubbish, and has admitted he fears Holland will conspire to cost Italy and France a place in the next round.

Holland have been cleared to play a weakened team against Romania and if they lose, Romania progressahead of Italy and France as runners-up, with the Dutch still topping the group, which could prove convenient for Marco Van Basten’s side when the semi-finals arrive.

Domenech, rambling like a madman consumed by paranoia, said:

“Our game against Italy will not be decisive. It’s the other match that matters. My opinion is Holland will make wholesale changes for the game on Tuesday night and it is already written that Romania will qualify with them from the group.”

Of course what he neglects to mention is the only reason Romania control their fate is that France were awful against them and had they actually beaten Romania, then their destiny would be in their own hands…

Fancy a punt on tonigh’s Euro action? Head over to chickendinner for the best stats and betting information first

chickendinner make an excellent call on Holland’s run so far

Apart from that whole thing about Paul McCartney dying in the sixties and being replaced by a doppelganger, The Spoiler isn’t one to believe conspiracy theories. However, we couldn’t help but take notice of the chickendinner bet blog, which correctly called the second Group C games, last Thursday night:

Picture this perfectly plausible scenario for a second. Tomorrow, buoyed by victory over Italy in the opening game, Holland defeat a France side struggling to find their feet.

In the other Group C game, Italy are low on confidence after their shock loss and Romania are able to take a point by “playing to their strengths” as they did against France.

That would create a situation where Holland would have the group sewn up with six points, Romania would be second with two points and Italy and France would be struggling with one point.

At first glance, it’s hard to imagine Romania beating Holland, which would mean a straight shootout for the final place between Italy and France, with the winner qualifying.

But what if Holland, already having the group won, gave Romania

French World Cup winner tells all in new autobiography

Despite having a haircut that would exclude most men from any kind of social interaction and a name reminiscent of soft focus grot films, Emmanuel Petit really lived it up during his time at Arsenal. In his autobiography A Fleur de Peau, published in France yesterday, the former defensive midfielder said he ‘went off the rails a bit’ after winning the World Cup:

“On my days off I discovered the parallel world of Parisian nights - private soirees, swapping clubs,” says Petit.

“They often went on in incredibly luxurious apartments whose owners I didn’t even know - but everyone recognised me.”

The unscrupulously honest Frenchman goes on to talk about a sexy rendezvous at the Sopwell House Hotel in St Albans:

“This pretty girl came regularly,” says Petit. “We had a relationship one day in the snooker room. The next morning,