Under-fire Bayern party Bavarian style

Jurgen Klinsmann’s long-awaited arrival at Bayern Munich has had about as much impact on the club as an inspirational Juande Ramos team-talk is having on Spurs at the minute. One point from three games is an awful start to Klinsmann’s reign at the champions, but there is no point crying over spilt lager. At least not when you could dress yourself up like a prize muppet and attend Oktoberfest. The Bayern boss does a mean impression of Roald Dahl’s The BFG.

It is an annual tradition for the Bayern squad to kit out in traditional Bavarian gear and attend Oktoberfest, Munich’s 16-day old school bender. I suppose the Liverpool Christmas party is about as close as the Premier League gets to this. More photos and after the jump.

Can you tell which is which? 

Holidays are great. For a tiny window of the year, you can take a break from being you, and dive into a whole new personality. Fittingly, Franck Ribery appears to fashion himself on Al Pacino’s Scarface when he’s tanning his chest in sunny Marbella.

The Red Devils may have an extra £80m to play with

After exposing the gaps the five London clubs and the Prem newbies need to fill, we have now condiered the manner in which Manchester Utd and Liverpool should redistribute their cash this summer…

Manchester Utd

Top priority:
The best deal for Ronaldo - If he wants out, get shot of him. If United demand big money, Real Madrid are likely to agree and if not, they keep him.
Fergie should demand Wesley Sneijder, who has outperformed Ronaldo at the Euros, in exchange and then use the remaining money to buy another striker.

Fitting the bill: Wesley Sneijder, Dani Guiza, Luis Fabiano, Dimitar Berbatov

Liverpool

Top priority:
A quality winger - Liverpool already boast Gerrard, Mascherano, Alonso, Lucas and Plessis in central midfield so it’s confusing that they make Barry the main priority. Babel is quality, but Kuyt’s a striker and Benayoun and Pennant aren’t good enough.

Fitting the bill: Aiden McGeady, Franck Ribery, Robinho, David Bentley

Spoiler bonus: Here’s who should be on the shopping lists of the other two Merseyside and Manchester clubs…

Everton

Top priority:
A new Lee Carsley -

If Wenger doesn’t need new defenders, then what does he need?

While Tottenham have got to work early and spent big on Luka Modric and Giovani dos Santos, Arsenal are still on the starting blocks, with the first sign of any transfer activity at the Emirates being quickly shot down by Arsene Wenger:

“I have been interested in Vincent Kompany ever since he was 16, but I am not interested in him this year. There is nobody I need for my team’s defensive department.”

Which of course prompts the question: what’s the point of tracking someone for six years if you have no intention to signing them? By acting much like a flirtatious girl who makes you believe she’s the one but who will quickly break your heart, perhaps Arsene is telling us he simply enjoys the thrill of the chase.

Anyway, Arsenal’s reticence to invest has spurred The Spoiler to consider where each London club needs to improve next season.

So we did a think and then gone wrote it down:

Chelsea

Top priority:
Flair players - Big Phil hasn’t just been brought to Chelsea to win trophies, he’s expected to bring some Brazilian flair to the job and make the Blues exciting to watch as well as being scarily efficient.

Fitting the bill: Ronaldinho, Kaka, Franck Ribery

Arsenal

Top priority:
Depth in midfield - Diarra then Flamini have gone, Hleb’s inconsistent, Rosicky’s injured, Gilberto’s past his best and Fabregas got tired last year so it’s clear that Arsenal need to bolster their midfield, and potentially bring in a new keeper.

Fitting the bill: Gareth Barry, Samir Nasri, Hatem Ben Arfa, Bastian Schweinsteiger

West Ham

Top priority:
New medical team/left-winger - Take away the dozen injuries West Ham had for most of last season and they’ve got perhaps the biggest squad in the league.

The left wing is a problem though: the fans turned on Boa Morte and he wants out while Etherington is always injured.

Fitting the bill: Stephen Hunt, Damien Duff, Pablo Aimar

Tottenham

Top priority:
New goalkeeper and striker

Ribery-less France struggle to take corners

In many parts of France, drivers think nothing of ‘nudging’ parked cars in order to fit their own vehicle into a tight spot. Last night, the French team coach driver employed the bumper car mentality when attempting to enter the Letzigrund Stadium in Zurich.

It’s highly reassuring to know that the French will place millions of pounds worth of footballing talent in the hands of someone who can’t turn round a corner.

French find themselves up baguette creek without a croissant

After Franck Ribery dropped to the ground in agony, clutching those around him as if he were frantically uttering his final words, the Italians were destined to control last night’s Group B match. Still, France boss Raymond Domenech considered the defeat a ‘beautiful moment’ and found time to propose to his girlfriend live on French TV straight after the final whistle. Maybe he can put his impending payoff from his employers towards the wedding.

Despite Adrian Mutu’s attempts at covering every position on the pitch, the Romanians couldn’t break down Holland’s B team.

Today’s transfer rumours, as made up to fill column inches in the nationals

Aside from the superteam that the papers are dreaming up at Chelsea, the other big news today comes from Spurs. Apparently Darren ‘purchase of the season’ Bent is looking for pastures new, and Roy Keane’s Sunderland could be the team to pay him £30k a week to finally get off the bench…

Heurelho Gomes to Tottenham
Gomes claims the proud honour of being the 571st goalkeeper linked with Spurs this summer. At this rate Paul Robinson will be starting the opening game.The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Would be a good signing for Spurs

Darren Bent to Sunderland
Has anyone noticed how quiet things have grown on the Berbatov front? Instead it’s Darren Bent who is apparently the striker most eager to escape North London.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Could depend Berbatov’s movements

Fernando Torres, Franck Ribery, Kaka, Ronaldinho, Deco and Robinho to Chelsea
The kitchen sink will shortly be arriving on a Bosman.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Deco likely, Robinho maybe, the others doubtful.

Marcus Bent to Hull
A day after The Spoiler highlighted one of the newly promoted clubs as the most likely location for that other striker called Bent, The Sun reports

Scolari wants every single big name player in the world, apparently

The newspapers should just ‘fess up and admit it - they haven’t a clue who which players Luiz Felipe Scolari would like to bring to Chelsea. Naturally, they have all assumed the Brazilian will want to load the squad with his fellow countrymen - The Sun fancy Ronaldinho to come for £20m and £120k a week (a damn site cheaper than the supposed Manchester City asking price), while The Guardian believe Kaka will be strolling over to West London, in exchange for a £60m slice of Abramovich’s bottomless kitty.

The Guardian also claims that Fernando Torres could become subject to Big Phil’s fiery temper next year - the unlikely move could ease Liverpool’s financial woes, but the Kop faithful would probably sooner burn a couple of Americans at the stake than let their prettyboy striker go. That said, the Spanish press linked him with a move to Chelsea over a month ago.

Not wanting to be left out in all the madness, middle England housewives’ favourite The Daily Mail have waded in by suggesting that Franck Ribery is also ‘flattered by their formal approach’.

Other players linked with the club since Scolari’s arrival include Barcelona’s Deco and Samuel Eto’o, and also Spurs target David Villa.

For a man who is currently engrossed in the process of winning a European Championships and has only been formally linked with Chelsea for two days, this seems like an awful lot of transfer inquiries.

So which rumours do you believe? Let us know who you think will be at The Bridge next season with a comment below.

[Picture: The Sun]

The Spoiler considers Euro 2008’s aesthetically challenged stars

If the 1997 Oscar-winning Italian World War II film Life Is Beautiful taught us anything, it’s that beauty can be found even in the darkest of circumstances. Yet sometimes, even the beautiful game is plagued by the ‘handsomely impaired’. What follows is a squad that may be described as ‘ugly’, ‘fugly’ and perhaps most harshly, ‘pug fugly’. Read on if you dare…

1. Rüştü Reçber

The war paint and ‘face art’ are distracting, but not quite distracting enough.

2. Ludovic Magnin

You know life isn’t fair when you grow up to be bald and ginger.

3. Carles Puyol

It’s not 1976 - get a haircut, hippy!

4. Philippe Senderos

Bayern Munich stars give expert class in one-upmanship

The final game of Group C, aka the ‘Group of Death’, will see hunky Luca Toni’s Italy take on not-so-hunky Franck Ribery’s France. As a precursor to this hotly anticipated match, the Bayern Munich stars have filmed a bizarre football-based slanging match at the Allianz arena. It all kicks off when Ribery’s French national anthem ringtone causes Toni to display his patriotic T-Shirt, and it escalates into a display of athletic prowess all around the Allianz Arena, peppered with mildly xenophobic comments. If you want to know what they say, someone has translated it in the comments here.

It’s a slow news day when we post a video in French (with a little German and Italian), but hey, what do you want us to talk about? Women’s softball? Baby racing? Actually, baby racing looks pretty awesome…

[Sexy video source: The Beautiful Game]