Football’s head prankster-in-charge is good at standing still…

[spotted on Pies]

…and neither will Chelsea (Boom! Boom!)

Real Madrid were among a number of clubs who desperately tried to throw exorbitant amounts of money at Bayern Munich for the services of Franck Ribery this summer, and the Frenchman himself admitted to fancying the prospect of sunning himself in Spain.

Despite their relentless pursuit of the Bundesliga’s best player, Los Blancos will not attempt to sign him in the winter transfer window. In lieu of a decent reason for this decision, sporting director Jorge Valdano told Marca:

“I do not think that the winter transfer market is made for players of the size of Ribery.”

At first, we suspected Valdano of backing our ‘Ribery has been replaced by a dwarf‘ conspiracy, but then it became clear that the Spanish giants intend to stick to their original plan of swiping him next summer:

“Ribery is now a matter of the past. But perhaps he is indeed an issue again in the future. “

Is it bye bye Bayern for the Frenchman?

The BBC transfer deadline day live text reports that Franck Ribery has been spotted in several London locations.

Is this a fraudulent attempt to spice up a relatively dull transfer deadline day, or a genuine reason to give Chelsea fans a “quarter chub”? We’re siding with the former at the moment, but we’ll bring updates as soon as we can.

The latest transfer gossip, rumours and damned lies

Franck Ribery to Real Madrid
Our Spanish friends at AS today report that Florentino Perez has already agreed a five-year deal to bring the French midfielder to the Bernabeu next summer. The deal - which is awfully similar to the pre-contract arrangement that brought Cristiano Ronaldo to Spain - will be worth €25m. That’s around a quarter of Bayern Munich’s ridiculous valuation of the Bundesliga’s best player.

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: Throughout the summer we have said that Ribery will leave next year for Los Blancos, so it’s nice to see the Spanish newspaper backing us up with their (relatively unsubstantiated) report.

Roman Pavlyuchenko to Spartak Moscow
Despite his appearance in Tottenham’s B-team last night, and ‘Arry’s insistence that the club can keep him involved with a rotation policy, The Mirror report that the Russian could be sold back

The latest transfer gossip, rumours and damned lies

Franck Ribery to Chelsea
Despite expressing his desire to join old pal Zinedine Zidane at Real Madrid, Roman Abramovich will personally fly to Deutschland to thrash out a £40m deal for the handsome winger, say The Sun.

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: Bayern chairman Karl-Heinz Rummenigge has made it very clear that no amount of money will persuade the club to part with the Bundesliga’s best player, and the man himself has always said he would prefer to play somewhere sunny. Somewhere like Spain, not Munich or London. We can’t see Ribery going anywhere this season, but next year he will almost certainly leave Germany.

Joleon Lescott to Manchester City
The Daily Mail believe the England defender will finally make his dragged-out move to Eastlands in the next 36 hours, as Everton have begrudgingly accepted a £20m plus add-ons deal.

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: It’s clear that Lescott is keen to move on,

The latest transfer gossip, rumours and damned lies

Andrea Pirlo, Franck Ribery and Sergio Aguero to Chelsea
Chelsea have been searching all summer for what they call a “marquee name” and now The Daily Mail expect them to bring three in at once by spending £100 million on Pirlo, Ribery and Aguero.

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: The Blues have been linked with Pirlo ever since Carlo Ancelotti’s appointment and that looks a reasonable possibility but Bayern Munich have said Ribery is no longer available and Aguero is supposedly happy to stay in Spain.

Joe Cole to Spurs
Obviously the arrival of two more midfielders would damage Cole’s chances of

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Can you spot the Premier League owner in this picture?
[Dirty Tackle]

Xabi Alonso finally gets on with it and submits a transfer request
[Guardian]

Chelsea haven’t given up on Franck Ribery
[The Telegraph]

500 Peruvian footballers resign from the national team - we had no idea they had such a big squad
[The Offside]

Robert Huth to Fulham?
[Goal.com]

WAG Danielle Lloyd is not unattractive at the beach
[NewsToob]

Also appearing on a computer near you…

Franck Ribery is the subject of this week’s Guardian Gallery

David Beckham continues his US charm offensive on The Today Show
[YouTube]

Frank Lampard and a couple of very immodest young ladies are having fun in Ibiza
[The Sun]

Footballer-turned-pornstar Eva Roob wants to clean your car (NSFW)
[Dirty Tackle]

Somehow, a thief managed to get away with this NFL star’s car without being noticed
[Deadspin]

Groom-to-be Peter Crouch has flown to Sunderland after Portsmouth accepted their £12m bid
[Football365]

Mark Hughes says there has been interest in City’s downmarket version of John Terry
[Sky Sports]