All of today’s transfer gossip, rumours and damn lies
Before Euro 2008, Manchester City and Everton were leading the chase for the fashion student/amazing footballer. Unfortunately he revealed himself to be world class and now looks like making a dream move to Barcelona, who have made a formal approach. His agent claims there have already been five offers for his signature, and the price being bandied around is currently £10m.
The Ronaldo saga latest
He may be acting like a spoilt brat, but Ronaldo is a man of principle. Accordingly, he has kindly agreed to pay Manchester Utd the courtesy of showing up for pre-season training in exchange for his £120,000-a-week wages.
The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Come on papers, try harder than this to find a story
Peter Crouch to Arsenal The Daily Mirror have been doing their homework and decided that Arsene Wenger, famous for his cautiousness with money, will match the eight-figure valuation for a benchwarmer at a club they finished above.
The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Unconvinced
Or…Crouch and Yossi Benayoun to Tottenham
Slightly more convincing than the Arsenal story,
Hairless man linked with job because he speaks Portuguese
The BBC are telling us that Coventry assistant manager Steve Kean is being lined up for the number two job at Chelsea. It’s not because of the wealth of experience he has gathered at the likes of Fulham and Real Sociedad, but pretty much just because he can speak Portuguese:
Chelsea are set to open talks with Coventry on a potential offer for Kean’s services, but he told BBC Scotland he was eager to avoid troublesome contractual issues.
“It probably makes sense, because I can speak Portuguese, but I don’t want to say to much without getting anyone into trouble,” added Kean.
In other news, Paul Ince is about to be announced as Blackburn boss because he once did some GCSE coursework on the Industrial Revolution in Lancashire, and Ronaldinho is off to Milan because he finds it easier to pronounce than ‘Manchester City’.
Angry bonus: As The Guardian rightly say, finding footage of Big Phil losing his temper is a bit like falling asleep listening to Coldplay. Check out the last minute of this video for lots of angry finger pointing and mad staring eyes…
If Wenger doesn’t need new defenders, then what does he need?
While Tottenham have got to work early and spent big on Luka Modric and Giovani dos Santos, Arsenal are still on the starting blocks, with the first sign of any transfer activity at the Emirates being quickly shot down by Arsene Wenger:
“I have been interested in Vincent Kompany ever since he was 16, but I am not interested in him this year. There is nobody I need for my team’s defensive department.”
Which of course prompts the question: what’s the point of tracking someone for six years if you have no intention to signing them? By acting much like a flirtatious girl who makes you believe she’s the one but who will quickly break your heart, perhaps Arsene is telling us he simply enjoys the thrill of the chase.
Anyway, Arsenal’s reticence to invest has spurred The Spoiler to consider where each London club needs to improve next season.
So we did a think and then gone wrote it down:
Chelsea
Top priority:
Flair players - Big Phil hasn’t just been brought to Chelsea to win trophies, he’s expected to bring some Brazilian flair to the job and make the Blues exciting to watch as well as being scarily efficient.
Fitting the bill: Ronaldinho, Kaka, Franck Ribery
Arsenal
Top priority:
Depth in midfield - Diarra then Flamini have gone, Hleb’s inconsistent, Rosicky’s injured, Gilberto’s past his best and Fabregas got tired last year so it’s clear that Arsenal need to bolster their midfield, and potentially bring in a new keeper.
Fitting the bill: Gareth Barry, Samir Nasri, Hatem Ben Arfa, Bastian Schweinsteiger
West Ham
Top priority:
New medical team/left-winger - Take away the dozen injuries West Ham had for most of last season and they’ve got perhaps the biggest squad in the league.
The left wing is a problem though: the fans turned on Boa Morte and he wants out while Etherington is always injured.
Fitting the bill: Stephen Hunt, Damien Duff, Pablo Aimar
Today’s transfer rumours, as made up to fill column inches in the nationals
Aside from the superteam that the papers are dreaming up at Chelsea, the other big news today comes from Spurs. Apparently Darren ‘purchase of the season’ Bent is looking for pastures new, and Roy Keane’s Sunderland could be the team to pay him £30k a week to finally get off the bench…
Heurelho Gomes to Tottenham
Gomes claims the proud honour of being the 571st goalkeeper linked with Spurs this summer. At this rate Paul Robinson will be starting the opening game.The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Would be a good signing for Spurs
Darren Bent to Sunderland
Has anyone noticed how quiet things have grown on the Berbatov front? Instead it’s Darren Bent who is apparently the striker most eager to escape North London.
The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Could depend Berbatov’s movements
The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Deco likely, Robinho maybe, the others doubtful.
Marcus Bent to Hull
A day after The Spoiler highlighted one of the newly promoted clubs as the most likely location for that other striker called Bent, The Sun reports
Cricketer aims to bail out favourite club. Pun intended.
Luton’s financial prayers could be answered by England and Northamptonshire bowler Monty Panesar, who has emerged as a candidate to buy the League Two outfit:
Luton fan Monty Panesar says he will splash the cash on The Hatters if he pockets $1million in cricket’s money-spinning Twenty20 international.
The spinner wants to be in the England side to face a Super Stars XI in Antigua on November 1, organised by mutli-millionaire Sir Allen Stanford.
The club, who start next season with a ten point deduction due to transfer irregularities, were ‘rescued’ from administration by the Luton Town FC 2020 consortium in January. It’s a nice gesture from Luton-born Panesar, but
Congratulations, Bioparco Zoo in Rome, you have a name that sounds like a weird 80s B-movie about strange mutant animals eating innocent people, but also, you’re now home to a brand new baby giraffe, who is yet to be named. The Spoiler would like to suggest a strong name like Agamemnon or Greg. It’s your call. In other exciting news, transfer speculation has been going through the roof!
Peter Crouch to leave for free
Crouch is livid that Benitez has demanded £15 million for his services and is ready to stick two gigantic fingers up at his boss by sitting awkwardly on the bench for another year. Then, come summer, he can pack his enormous suitcase and head somewhere else for nothing.
The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Hey, Peter’s supposed to be a friendly giant… but then again, so was Lennie in Of Mice and Men, and everyone knows what happened there. Right?
Rafael van der Vaart to Chelsea
Just as they like to tempt fantastic players to their club, Chelsea also like to maintain a fine stable of WAGs. Rafael’s wife, Sylvie, would make for a splendid inclusion.
For those sensible enough to still be at work - rather than joining all the cheerful idiots bounding around the city centre in swimming costumes, hosing each other down and smearing ice cream everywhere - here are today’s very straight-faced transfer rumours. Roll VT…
Dudu to Everton
Whoever is compiling the list of Everton transfer targets is getting into some serious shorthand, first “Jo”, and now “Dudu” - both promising Brazilians from CSKA Moscow.
The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: By the sounds of the conditions, Liverpool might be a luxurious alternative to rainy Russia.
Jeremy Helan and Darnel Situ to Manchester United
Clever, Man United - two French teenagers, surely North London bound, and yet somehow their red private jet ended up in Manchester? Bet they weren’t expecting Arsene Wenger to sound so… Scottish.
The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: What United want, United get
Which club’s champagne reserves will be utilised this weekend?
Over the past year, we’ve seen sacked managers, prison sentences and more Cristiano Ronlado sex partners than anyone thought conceivable, and it all reaches a conclusion on Sunday. It’s the first time since 1968 that the top two teams have been on the same points, and one of Chelsea or Manchester Utd will be lifting the silverware (although the Blues will have to make do with a shabby replica) at around 5pm. So who ya got? Vote now…
And while you’re at it, which two teams do you think will go down? The Spoiler believes Fulham will pull off a miraculous escape, but do you agree? Votes and comments below, please.
To bet on the title race click here and to bet on the relegation battle click here.
Fulham to perform a Houdini-like escape this Sunday
As with the internet, the car and oxygen itself, it is now hard to imagine what life was like before the Apprentice. Not only does it make everything else on television look like the work of half-witted amateurs, but it has come to explain everything about modern life. The state of the economy? Small wonder it’s in such chaos if the business world is run on such pure incompetence. The war in Iraq? How can we hope to understand its complexities if the country’s most educated people can’t even begin to guess which religion eats kosher food? Boris Johnson becoming mayor of London? These people are brought to a state of frozen panic when asked to correctly place an apostrophe on a greetings card - what does that say about their decision making abilities? And so to the final day of the Premier League season, which Sir Alan neatly anticipated by firing two people. This weekend, two teams will be ejected from the top table. Like the Apprentice, there will be a lot of angry finger pointing, but moan as much as they like, two red-faced losers will be strapping themselves bitterly into the taxi of relegation, still none the wiser as to where it all went wrong.
The Spoiler believes Fulham will survive at the weekend. Disagree? Then bet against it!
The statistics
* Reading face Derby on Sunday, who are without a win in 31 league games, and regardless
If it wasn’t for Manchester City’s shock defeat to Fulham at the weekend, the Thai man upstairs decided to may not have decided to have a little chat with Sven. The Swede can, in part, blame his looming P45 on Danny Murphy, the man whose equaliser gave the West Londoners a real chance of staying in the top flight next year - something that Mr Eriksson himself may struggle with. And if Citeh fans need a stronger reason to resent the midfielder, they should cast a jealous eye on his wife, 30-year-old actress and model Joanna Taylor.
