James Collins handcuffed and arrested for no particular reason

If there is a fight outside swanky nightclub Funky Buddha on a weeknight, it’s safe to assume a Premiership star is involved. The Police made this very assumption last night, and put cuffs on West Ham defender James Collins. Unfortunately, it seems the Welshman was simply passing the popular WAG-snaring haunt on his way home from a meal at Nobu with his wife, and was caught up in the commotion. According to the Met Police, a man was “arrested and then subsequently de-arrested in Berkley Square”.

The Mirror says that Collins is now “considering his options”.

Midfielder does some serious multi-tasking

Seems that Lampsie has piled a few extra hours onto his day, as he gets a droopy-eyed lift home from London’s fashionable drinkery, Funky Buddha.

Over the course of just one evening, he’d had a fantastic game for Chelsea, knocked in a corker, endured a Scolari tongue lashing, and still managed to find time for an aftershave spritz, before pulling on his favourite Rolling Stones-t-shirt-and-sports-jacket combo, and (by the looks of things) heading out to get a little bit loaded.

That is one busy Tuesday night, friends.

Still, far healthier than the days when he’d save time by having breakfast and lunch on the same plate.

Lenny Pidgeley is a classy guy

Millwall Keeper Lenny Pidgeley is so flush that he hires a team of aides to carry him out of nightclubs, thus reducing wear and tear on his lucrative muscles. Either that, or he was drunk off his arse and objected to being asked to leave Funky Buddha nightclub in the early hours of this morning.

Lenny may have been hanging out with his old Chelsea teammates, who were celebrating their Champions League victory at the venue. My guess is that Princess Frank took exception to his defiance of the leather jacket club, and asked him to leave.

Chelsea stars get their leather on in da club

For those that didn’t realise, last night the theme was “Small Leather Jacket” down at Funky Buddha - by far the most sensual of London’s sexy wine bars.

Of course, Lamps was there with pals Ballack and Carvalho, all guffawing and loving their body-tight jackets. Even cricket’s Kevin Pietersen stopped off to let girls stroke his leather jacket and offer to buy him Martinis. But, as is usual with any Chelsea event, one man decided to join in and just made an almighty hash of things - can you guess who?

Portsmouth love rat inspires more hatred in serial on/off WAG

Danielle Lloyd was paying a visit to London nightspot Funky Buddha last night (Dani in a nightclub on a school night? I know, I’m as surprised as you are) when she ran into a spot of bother with an another ex-rutt partner of Portsmouth playa Jermain Defoe. (Bearing in mind that Defoe has probably slept with the majority of the female patrons in any given London nightclub, it’s impossible to identify the girl at this point.) Apparently, things got fierce and Dani threw a glass of booze in the girl’s face, which led to her forced ejection from the club.

What could have enraged the former reality television racist so much? Did the alcohol soaked lady try to discredit

Premier League Playa of the Year dismisses relationship as a ‘fling’

Poor old Danielle Lloyd. Not only does she have to live her life in the pages of the Daily Star, but her most recent football lover has made her look like a chump in the same paper. Top “player” Jermain Defoe took up the pen to dismiss their relationship as a ‘fling’, despite the fact that not five minutes ago Miss Lloyd was gearing up to move in with him:

“As far as I’m concerned, I’ve been single since Charlotte [Meares].

“So the love rat thing is all a load of rubbish - and it’s doing my head in. Even when I left Tottenham for Portsmouth - and scored a goal on my debut - people weren’t interested in that.

“Everyone thinks I’m this big bad love rat - but I ain’t.

“I just wanna play football. I score goals and am doing stuff on the pitch, but all people want to chat about is my personal life.”

The Portsmouth striker/ Chinawhite resident also set the record straight on numerous scandals involving him and an endless string of ropey models. He claims there is nothing wrong with his behaviour, and he is simply a ‘good Catholic boy’. Who likes to go to nightclubs the night before training. Who likes to sleep with a different woman every night. And who is being driven to the edge of distraction trying to work out how people are finding out about his private life:

“I just don’t know how everything I do is getting found out,” he says, exasperated. I feel you, Jermain.

This is all getting a bit weird now

UPDATE: The girl kissing Miss Lloyd in the pic is not Sarah Giggle (although the picture agency who sold me the pic still insist it is, and I’m reliably informed that she was present). It is in fact be popstar Mantana Manning, who has thus far managed to avoid Defoe’s predatory radar. Apologies to her for any offence caused by being caught up in Defoeworld.

What a life Jermain Defoe lives. Undeterred by a 200-mile round trip to training or displaying a blatant lack of professionalism, the Portsmouth striker, known by most women in the UK as the world’s greatest lover, was out on the tiles in London again last night, this time at Funky Buddha.

As if Defoeworld isn’t great enough, his ex-girlfriend Danielle Lloyd accompanied him to the club, as did Sarah Giggle, the glamour model who he cheated on Dani with, and who sold her steamrollering story to the News of the World last weekend . That’s the two of them kissing in the pic above. That’s right, despite his dirty rutting games, all three of them get along famously.