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Plus some classic Tony Daley gaming, courtesy of great friend of the site, Eliot 

A critical appreciation of Liverpool’s Lucas

[Caught Offside]

Who should take England’s inevitable World Cup penalties

[The Telegraph]

Steven Gerrard’s greatest dives

[Pies]

Tomasz Kuszczak gymnastics

[Off The Post]

Gabriel Heinze gets nutted

[101 Great Goals]

An audience with JT and Lampsie

[Kickette]

Heading off to Man United?

In a move now commonly known as “The Reverse Carlos Tevez”, it looks like Micah Richards might yet navigate himself across the Manchester divide during the January transfer window. With that in mind, here’s a team of maniacs who risked everything to play for a rival club… 

Goalkeeper, Pat Jennings - Spurs (1964-1977), Arsenal (1977-1985)

After thirteen very impressive years at White Hart Lane, the consensus was that Pat Jennings was just about ready to hang up his gloves. Instead, he threw caution to the wind, and waltzed over to Arsenal to carry on for another eight years. He then returned to Spurs to play in the reserve team. A hunch suggests that a similar gesture perhaps wouldn’t be afforded to Sol Campbell.

Right Back, Nelson Vivas - Boca Juniors (1994-1997), River Plate (2003)

Most of you probably remember Nelson Vivas as the plucky understudy to Lee Dixon and Nigel Winterburn at Arsenal. And you’d be right! But he was also the daring Argentine defender who has played for both of the featured teams in the fiercely fought Superclasico, which finds the angry poor people of Boca Juniors throwing their mucky kitchen sinks at the hoity toity poshos from River Plate.

While Real Madrid have been busy signing Cristiano Ronaldo, Kaka and co, the Big Four have so far captured Thomas Vermaelen, Ross Turnbull, Daniel Sturridge, Glen Johnson, Antonio Valencia and, probably, Michael Owen.

With all the big names heading over to Spain, the Premier League’s elite have been forced to adopt a different strategy this summer, as shown by the unusually high number of English players being bought.

The arrival of the galacticos has left plenty of talented players at Real Madrid looking for new clubs, some potentially capable of doing a job for one of the Premier League’s title challengers.

The Spoiler wants you to pick which one of the men reportedly made available by Florentino Perez last month would be your first choice. To avoid sitting on the fence, we’d probably go for Wesley Sneijder:

Transfer rumours and quotes that are doing the rounds today

Photo Credit: Ian Nicholson/PA Wire

Spurs start planning for the summer
The Spoiler thinks Tottenham would be wise to make only minimal changes to their squad during pre-season. The chaos of last summer’s revolving door policy led to Spurs making their worst ever start to a season and recent results - they have lost just one league game since the January transfer window closed - suggest that the current squad doesn’t need to be drastically altered. Harry Redknapp may view things differently though and this afternoon alone the club have been linked with Brazilian defender Joao Miranda de Souza, Gabriel Heinze and Djibril Cisse.

Optimist of the day
Tony Mowbray’s glass appears to be not so much half-full as overflowing. The West Brom manager is refusing to throw in the towel

The latest transfer gossip, rumours and damned lies

We’ve managed to sift through the hi-larious APril Fools’ Day stories (some of which are extremely unsubtle) to bring you the very latest transfer speculation…

Samuel Eto’o not going to Liverpool
There have been plenty of whispers in Liverpool of a big money move for Barcelona’s Samuel Eto’o, but according to Spanish paper Sport, the Premier League club cannot afford him. Goal.com concur that his excessive personal demands are the reason for the shortfall: when he was told he could leave the Spanish giants last year, most clubs cowered at his €9m-a-year contract request.

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: Sport say Eto’o has will expect at least €7.5m a year from the Reds, some €2m more than Torres receives. Inter are also interested in his signature, but Barca president Joan Laporta insists the striker would like to stay.

Gabriel Heinze to Tottenham
The Telegraph report that Harry Redknapp is ready to offer the Real Madrid defender a return

Also appearing on a computer near you…

Barnet show us how to celebrate a goal

William Gallas’ huge chrome penis-shaped car
[The Sun]

Come Twitter with us
[Twitter]

The West Ham/ Sheffield Utd Carlos Tevez affair appears to have been resolved
[Sky Sports]

(Fat) Ronaldo will try to promise to try to think about giving up transsexual prostitutes
[Off The Post]

An Italian side had their kit stolen, so had to improvise
[Dirty Tackle]

An Iraqi footballer has been shot dead as he was about to score an equalising goal
[BBC]

Liverpool linked with Gabriel Heinze
[Caught Offside]

Premier League referee prone to the occasional error

After Newcastle became the latest team to be denied important points as a result of a mistake by referee Rob Styles, The Spoiler decided to look at who else have fallen victim to his calamitous decision making in recent years.

In goal is Shay Given, who made what deserved to be a match-winning save from Stephen Ireland last night but wasn’t because Manchester City were afforded another opportunity to break down Newcastle’s ten men and scored.

Our left-back is Jlloyd Samuel, whose great tackle on Cristiano Ronaldo last month was punished when Styles pointed to the spot. Accompanying Habib Beye, who is a makeshift centre-back due to Styles’ habit of making costly errors against right-backs, is Stoke’s Ibrahima Sonko, who was adjudged to have fouled Obafemi Martins in Reading’s 3-2 loss at St James’ Park in December 2006, a decision his boss Steve Coppell labelled “a guess-timate”. Steve Finnan completes the defence after Rob Styles famously pointed to the spot last season when Florent Malouda ran into the Irishman with Liverpool beating Chelsea 1-0.

On the wings are

Eleven men, all hated by one man

United players fall into two distinct camps: the ones Sir Alex will personally visit over Christmas for a cuddle - Giggs, Irwin, Solksjaer, Neville, Scholsie - and those he’ll spy on from a nearby tree, whispering profanities under his breath - Dwight Yorke, Becks, and now Cristiano Ronaldo. Ferguson does not tolerate certain characters, and as things stand, the gelled-up winger looks likely to be playing himself into this team of rebels, all of whom still send angry chills up Ferguson’s aging spine.

GK Jim Leighton
Leighton was riding the crest of a wave in his early Man United days, with even Brian Clough saying “Jim Leighton is a rare bird - a Scottish goalkeeper that can be relied on.” But then Sir Alex axed him from the 1990 FA Cup final replay against Palace, sending the keeper into a downward spiral, involving anger, shame, Les Sealey, and, eventually, Dundee.

DL Gabriel Heinze
The future was so bright for Heinze (pronounced “hent-zay” apparently) - United fans loved him, his hair was only second in footballing terms to Ginola’s. But then it all went hideously wrong. His body revolted, Ferguson embarked on a love affair with Patrice Evra, and Gabriel could no longer be guaranteed the satin starting shirt he so yearned for. He threw an almighty strop, and finally Ferguson bundled him in the direction of Real Madrid - simultaneously ignoring the clamour from Liverpool.