Fans of autotuned vocals and attractive women behold!

Why would we post a music video whose treatment describes it as “S&M aliens hurtling towards earth in their own meteorites,” you ask? Well, because it’s Girls Aloud, who can count an NFL WAG and a Chelsea WAG who didn’t get the chance to meet a Spoiler editor before marrying a moron among their ranks.

Popstar switches from proper football to American football

Everybody knows that manufactured popular beat combo Girls Aloud have one of the nation’s finest WAGs among their ranks (you know, the pretty one who is married to that fella nobody likes), but few know that they actually have two of the nations finest WAGs among their ranks. Nadine Coyle met Finn Harps midfielder Neil McCafferty at school and continued to date for four years. Now she is a pretend American, the large-lunged starlet has started stepping out with New York Giants star Jason Bell, who turned up in London this weekend to see her perform on Pop Rival Factor Star.

Away from the pitch they’re just like you… only cooler

Thank Christ for the paparazzi. There, we said it. Because without these drooling heroes with their gigantic cameras and intrusive personalities, we would know nothing about the real lives of our footballers and their WAGs. Until this afternoon, we were convinced that Rio Ferdinand sent a fleet of slave children to Waitrose to fetch his groceries, that Deco stayed in playing Pro Evolution Soccer during the evenings, and that Cheryl Cole spent all her free time drinking glasses of milk with her husband. Wrong on all counts, it seems. Here’s what we’ve learned thanks to the paps:

1. Rio Ferdinand stocks up on pizza, salad, and Lucozade at Somerfield. Just like the rest of us.

2. When Deco isn’t teaching Lampsie, JT and Drog-Drog how to correctly fashion a stubbly beard, he can be found casually chatting up brunette women in the back of expensive cars.

3. And, most interestingly of all, when Cheryl Cole isn’t weeping to the sounds of mentally sick people singing on X Factor, she glances wistfully out of windows (above), or cowers next to pretty stone walls (below).

See all the proof you need after the jump…

Who produces the world’s finest WAGs - America, or Europe?

Yesterday’s battle of the blondes was a photo finish, but Europe’s Gemma Atkinson narrowly toppled Lisa Dergan, by an overall percentage of 51 per cent here and at On205th.

So, two days into the US WAGs vs Euro WAGs tournament, and we’re winning 2-0.

Today, it’s a heavyweight battle of the brunettes, as America’s favourite desperate housewife takes on England’s favourite scorned housewife…

Round Two: Eva Longoria/ Cheryl Cole

[click the image to get a better view]

For more pictures of Eva click here and to see more of Cheryl click here and here

Previous WAG battles (you can still keep voting!):
Jessica Simpson/ Rosaria Cannavo
Lisa Dergan/ Gemma Atkinson

The rain stays on the plane, but where do the tears go?

As his absurdly punishment-free existence trundles towards yet another revolting chapter, Ashley Cole can be found sunning himself in Spain with the kind lady he is slowly destroying - all as if he hasn’t a care in the world.

Bad enough that he prodded his nasty hamster-like fingers all over another woman’s contorted body before barfing, but he now appears to have been totally forgiven for the humiliation by his wife, Cheryl.

While his pop star wife nipped out to look sensual with her bandmates, Ashley Cole took it upon himself to launch headlong into yet another set of enormous social blunders.

Mistake Number One was going to Chinawhites on a Wednesday - that (along with Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, Friday and Monday) is the big “let’s get drunk and have sex” night at the exclusive wine bar. The wife would not be impressed, especially given the fact that her husband has a bad habit of fornicating with other women.

Chelsea love rat given the heave via the medium of jewellery

If you watched the recent ITV2 series The Passions of Girls Aloud, you will have seen scorned WAG Cheryl Cole training to street dance for an appearance in a new video for Black Eyed Peas goon Will.I.Am.

The resulting song (rather fittingly entitled ‘Heartbreaker’) was released today. As may be expected from the man who wrote ‘My Humps’, it’s rubbish, and Cheryl only actually dances for about three seconds. But fortunately, she looks ’super hawt’, and her necklace displays a message that will bring joy to the nation:

And a new hat!

Not only does the nation’s favourite scorned WAG have to put up with stroppy muppet Ashley Cole, but she is currently losing a WAG-off to someone called Erin Andrews. Don’t let her lose to a Veronica Corningstone knock-off, get voting here!