The Daily Mail are claiming Premier League clubs have been leaving the well-being of their multi-million pound stars in the hands of a Serbian housewife who locals describe as ‘looking like Morticia Addams’.
Since her cover was blown by Robin van Persie on Tuesday, Mariana Kovacevic has gone into hiding, leaving the world’s press (and Serbian health officials, who have no record of this horse-guts operation existing) camped outside her clinic in New Belgrade, waiting for her to get back:
Within five minutes of each other Arsenal’s Van Persie left in one direction, while Liverpool pair Glen Johnson and Fabio Aurelio arrived from the other. By last night it appeared that Kovacevic may have already moved her placenta supplies and massage table elsewhere.
England 5/ Croatia 1
We probably weren’t the only ones who cracked open a bottle of Santana DVX last night as England secured their place at the 2010 World Cup finals in emphatic style. Admittedly, Croatia didn’t put up a particularly strong fight - they were a shadow of the side who embarrassed England in 2007 - but Aaron Lennon was in rude health, Glen Johnson dealt with the pressure well and Emile Heskey even got a little bit close to scoring a goal.
Defender favourably compared to scary drug dealing lady
When Phil Neville was given the nickname “T-Bag“, it became clear that Premier League footballers don’t simply divide their free time between harassing models in Movida and harassing ten-year-olds on Xbox Live - they also make time for DVD boxsets of American TV shows.
Glen Johnson is the latest victim of this leisure activity, having earned himself the nickname “Snoop” from his Liverpool teammates. The name comes not from his likeness to popular rapper and pornographer Snoop Dogg, but rather Felicia “Snoop” Pearson, the indecipherable gangster from The Wire who is rather handy with a nail gun…
The 2009 window deals that were absolutely inevitable
As the transfer window creaks shut for once more, Spoiler correspondent Andrew Brook has compiled a team of players who were always destined to change clubs this summer. And look, he’s done it in a 3-5-2 formation! How fun!
GK - Joe Hart (Manchester City to Birmingham)
As soon as Manchester City signed Shay Given in January, Hart was destined to leave. Every season a promoted team seems to get a new goalkeeper (Scott Carson to West Brom in 2008, Craig Gordon to Sunderland in 2007) so this was an obvious match.
DF - Joleon Lescott (Everton to Manchester City)
One of this season’s most painfully long sagas saw David Moyes over take Sir Alex Ferguson as the Premier League’s dourest Scot, and thus by extension its dourest person. Just be thankful that this inevitable deal didn’t drag on all the way to deadline day.
DF - Kyle Naughton (Sheffield United to Tottenham Hotspur)
Even before Sheffield United failed to secure Premier League promotion, everyone knew one of their ranks would be playing in the top flight this season. Harry Redknapp could not remember which of the Blades’ Kyles he wanted, so nabbed Naughton’s teammate Walker as well, but we all knew which one he meant.
A team of fresh faces who represent excellent value for money
Although the transfer window isn’t locked shut until the end of the month, the brand new Premier League season is but a few hours away. With this in mind, Spoiler correspondent Ben Baker has considered the best buys of the summer so far, compiling a team of his favourites…
Joe Hart (Manchester City to Birmingham, Season Long Loan)
A transfer that suits both parties. Joe wants to win more senior England caps, and since he has been edged out of the number one spot at Manchester City by a certain Mr. Given, first team opportunities have been lacking. His search for regular football has led him to the Midlands and Birmingham are surely delighted that this promising young English goalkeeper will be between the sticks for the season. Also, you just have to love him for his mental attitude and abrasive shouting when facing a penalty - he’s like a loopier version of Bruce Grobbelaar.
Glen Johnson (Portsmouth to Liverpool, £17.5m)
Beating off Chelsea and Manchester City and getting one over his rivals would have made this deal extra sweet for the ever-irritated Rafa. Johnson had a superb season last year, both with club and country, epitomised by his man of the match performance against an (albeit woeful) Andorra side that saw him notch up four assists from full back, and will add a whole new dimension to Liverpool’s right side. A high price to pay, but as Rafa said, “Sometimes you have to spend a little bit more.”A sentiment that is particularly true for English players.
Yuri Zhirkov (CSKA Moscow to Chelsea, £18m)
A Russian at Chelsea? How did that happen? This versatile
As we sit on the cusp of another Premier League season, the folks at Google have released figures of all their football related searches from the past month. The team above represents the most-searched for Premier League stars on the web based on their positions.
As you can see, most of them have been involved in transfer deals or speculation. David James’ relatively-surprising spot in the side is probably helped by his occasional newspaper columns, and Steven Gerrard can attribute his first team place to his impossibly persuasive legal team.
The most searched team was Liverpool with 16 million hits, then followed Chelsea (13m), Arsenal (9.1m) and Manchester Utd (9m). Bolton were the least searched for side with 250,000 hits.
Understandably, the most popular WAG was Cheryl Cole, and Howard Webb was the referee who earned the most online enquires.
While Real Madrid have been busy signing Cristiano Ronaldo, Kaka and co, the Big Four have so far captured Thomas Vermaelen, Ross Turnbull, Daniel Sturridge, Glen Johnson, Antonio Valencia and, probably, Michael Owen.
With all the big names heading over to Spain, the Premier League’s elite have been forced to adopt a different strategy this summer, as shown by the unusually high number of English players being bought.
The arrival of the galacticos has left plenty of talented players at Real Madrid looking for new clubs, some potentially capable of doing a job for one of the Premier League’s title challengers.
The Spoiler wants you to pick which one of the men reportedly made available by Florentino Perez last month would be your first choice. To avoid sitting on the fence, we’d probably go for Wesley Sneijder:
A further helping of transfer gossip, rumours and damned lies
Andriy Shevchenko to Dynamo Kiev
Shevchenko could be set for a return to Dynamo Kiev, the club where he established himself as one of the best strikers in Europe. President Ihor Surkis claims that the 32-year-old was very interested in the Ukrainian club’s proposal, which would would see him offered a coaching role when he retires.
The Spoiler truth-o-meter: It looks like even Carlo Ancelotti doesn’t want Shevchenko to extend his stay in England and with AC Milan looking elsewhere, a return home seems plausible.
Jose Bosingwa to Bayern Munich
Another player still linked with a move away from Stamford Bridge is Bosingwa, with Bayern Munich confirming that they have no intention of
Loading ...