Tubby star criticised by Brazilian media for Olympic performance
We may place the importance of Olympic football somewhere between fencing and ultimate frisbee over here in Blighty, but that’s not quite the case in South America. Tuesday’s semi-final between Brazil and Argentina was treated like a World Cup game by the inhabitants of the football-mad continent, and accordingly, commercial pressures from sponsors such as Nike dictated that the team in yellow brought some superstars to Beijing.
Despite doing everything right on the pitch and saying his nightly prayers, Kaka was denied the Olympic dream by AC Milan, while the Italians let Ronaldinho trot off to the far east. This may have been a condition of his sale to the Serie A club, or perhaps the CBF felt his flamboyant style was more suited to garnering publicity for the national team.
Of course, Brazil were denied the gold medal that has so far eluded them by a convincing Argentinean side, and they face the prospect of a bronze medal match with the mighty Belgium tomorrow. In an article titled ‘The Fall of Ronaldinho’, Spanish
While The Spoiler danced the summer of 1992 away in a field with a mob of gurning trustafarians, over in Barcelona some of the planet’s finest basketball players were showcasing their sport. Big names like Larry Bird, Patrick Ewing, Magic Johnson, Scottie Pippen and Sir Michael Jordan bounced and soared their way to an Olympic gold medal, and the whole of the world went basketball crazy. For about a week.
Fans of the 1984 romantic comedy Splash (SPOILER ALERT: Tom Hanks becomes sexually attracted to a demi-fish) know just how sensual great swimmers can be. In that movie, the magnificent underwater flirt was Daryl Hannah, and in real life, it’s an Australian woman called Stephanie Rice - winner of the 400 metres individual medley at this year’s Olympics.
Aside from having just about every swimming badge you can imagine sewn onto her cozzie, Stephanie is recently single. Before the games she was going out with some chump called Eamon, but apparently they broke up about a month ago. Hence, she would definitely go out with you.
In 1996 the whole of the country was gripped by a massive depression thanks to Gareth Southgate and his stupid foot. Why did he have to miss that penalty? Why? It could have been our year. Hence, pretty much everyone forgot that over in Atlanta, there was a whole Olympic Games thing happening - the star of the show being a man called Michael Johnson. A tremendous runner, he bagged gold medals in the 200 and 400 metres that year, all the while running in the style of a baddie from a Charlie Chaplin film. Hilarious - nice one, Michael.
In 1984, everyone wanted to be American. Playgrounds were awash with young boys sporting Michael Jackson’s one glove, girls skipping around in Madonna wedding dresses. And, lurking in the corner somewhere near the bike sheds were the kids who wanted to be Carl Lewis. They were essentially brilliant at absolutely everything, but totally lacking in social skills. That summer, the great man equaled Jesse Owens’ record of four gold medals (100m, 200m, long jump, relay), whilst simultaneously convincing the planet that his superhuman arrogance was a little bit abhorrent. In the above clip, legendary funny man Eddie Murphy does an impression.
It was Moscow, it was 1980, no Americans were there…
Back in the days before he became the right honorable Lord and Baron Sebastian Newbold Coe, this weedy-looking conservative was one hell of a long distance running oik. What marked out his 1500 metres triumph in 1980 was that he was up against Steve Ovett, a man of the people - hence, the nation was divided over who should take gold. Of course, as with everything in the 1980s, the snootiest runner won with all the good grace of a spiky young princess stealing toys from an orphanage.
For those uninitiated into US culture, softball is their version of women’s cricket. Unlike cricket, however, it’s considered worthy of Olympic inclusion, and Jennie is the proud owner of a shiny gold medal from the last games in Athens.
Besides being a glorious golden haired pitcher, Jennie has much to be proud of. Namely, her appearance on the American celebrity version of The Apprentice, where she came face-to-face with one of the world’s most ungodly bastards, Donald Trump - he fired her in January. She also has an interesting and athletic body, deemed worthy of inclusion in Sports Illustrated.
Before J-Lo and Li-Lo, there was Flo-Jo - otherwise known as Florence Griffith-Joyner, the fastest woman of all time. A strange and bizarre young thing, she wowed the planet at the 1988 Olympics with her phenomenal fingernails, and superhuman speed. She won the 100 and 200 metres, clocking amazing times in both, and some people find it strange that she retired from Athletics soon after. So cynical, those people - honestly, can a woman not just bulk up to twice her usual size overnight, grow a beard and run at mystifying speeds without you getting all suspicious and yammering about drugs? What a sad world we live in.
She suffered a seizure and died in 1998. RIP, Flo-Jizzle.
Perhaps one day someone will start a sentence with “there’s an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman” without it being a joke about people in boxes saying “potatoes” - it could even be used to introduce a Great British football line up. How wonderful would that be? Although, of course, the Irishman would have to come from the less green-grassy part of the emerald isle, and more the cobbled street bit where horses run wild (that’s the north, right?). Until that day, though, we’re going to have to content ourselves by gazing jealously at the other countries who get to call their footballers Olympians. Here’s eleven to keep a hungry eye on this year…
GK Brad Guzan, USA
Aston Villa’s (other) new American goalkeeper called Brad, the USA’s decision to make him one of their three over-23 players - he turns 24 during the tournament - shows just how great he is. That, of course, will count for nothing when he gets to Villa and warms the bench for the next decade, as Friedel becomes steadily more decrepit but still brilliant.
DL Marcelo, Brazil
Real Madrid signed the left wing-back in 2007 and he became a regular starter last season, pushing Gabriel Heinze into the centre. Unsurprisingly, he gets compared to Roberto Carlos - everyone does - and found the net on his international debut against Wales.
DC Vincent Kompany, Belgium
For those who spend their weekends playing Football Manager instead of talking to girls, you already know this guy, he’s one of the best buys in the game, damn it! And as it turns out, the 22-year-old isn’t too shabby in real life either. Right now he’s at Martin Jol’s Hamburg, and The Spoiler’s computerised West Ham.
DC Ezequiel Garay, Argentina
With all the Ronaldo talk this summer, Garay’s arrival at the
For those too young to remember 1976, the summer was hot as hell. One man cooler than the Fonze, however, was Edwin Moses from the USA, who chose to wear fashionable shades when thundering his way to an Olympic gold medal in the 400 meter hurdles. Granted, they were probably prescription sunglasses that he needed to correctly navigate the track, those being the days before contact lenses and zany eye lasers, but still, great look. Absolutely brilliant.
Heady days those. No one even knew what a “shiv” was.
