Mr Chelsea to get his own ‘Glorified Garden Shed‘

Over the past few months, Chelsea fans have been worried that their captain would move to a bigger house worth even more money, but John Terry has officially confirmed that he will be staying at his current residence after being offered a considerable improvement to his domestic situation.

Hilarious allusions to transfer speculation aside, Mr Chelsea has won permission to devalue his neighbours’ property by constructing a huge personal gym. The Mirror sez:

The 28-year-old England and Chelsea captain has been given the nod to build an extension to his £2.25million house for a gym, pool, sauna, steam room and Jacuzzi.

Residents in Oxshott, Surrey, had objected to the move, but council chiefs gave him the go-ahead.

A pal said: “John’s delighted. He’ll have all the keep-fit facilities he needs to get in shape for the World Cup next year.”

Thank God JT has been given the opportunity to keep fit at home. How on earth would he have coped just using the multi-million-pound state-of-the-art Chelsea training ground that he visits every day?

Crouchie’s better half has a sexy workout

Want to see an attractive blonde mime badly to ‘Baby One More Time’ without having to attend Britney Spears’ god-awful show at the O2 Arena tonight? Well friend, you are in luck.

In the latest video from the phone advertising campaign that brought you some people dancing in a train station and some people singing in Trafalgar Square, Abbey Clancy and her gym buddies are butchering the greatest ever pop song to be written about spousal abuse.

Loads more pictures after the jump…

C-Ron’s latest conquest speaks of his lazy bedroom technique

Remember Gabriela Endringer? She’s the Portuguese gym instructor whose athletic body “fascinated” Cristiano Ronaldo. To the delight of her father, the tricky winger recently called time on their relationship, but to her father’s dismay, she has celebrated the end of the relationship with an FHM photoshoot and tell-all interview.

Of his world famous steamrollering technique, Gabriela says:

“Ronaldo lets himself be dominated in bed. He’s very affectionate in bed. He’s not aggressive at all. He lets things flow.”

Yesterday, Today

Jamelia Superstar Picture

Make no mistake, The Spoiler has had the odd run in with the hygiene police. There was once a whole year with the same vest top, but that’s a long, disturbing, unprintable story. Jamelia, pop singer and WAG to Darren Byfield (now of Doncaster), however, has little excuse for wearing the same glistening blouse for two days in a row. The lady is minted. That’s right, woman, we’re talking to you, and yes, The Spoiler is maintaining a very beady eye on all the goings-on at London Fancy Dress Week. Be on your guard, WAGs. This will never do.

Elsewhere, Joe Cole’s sprightly young lover, smiling Carly Zucker, has been showing the people of Stepford how to correctly exercise both inside and outside a gymnasium. Witness the proof after the leap…

Liverpool captain can now blast his guns in relative privacy

The papers this morning have been making a big fuss about the monstrous £350,00 gym Steven Gerrard is building in the garden of his monstrous £2m mansion in the Merseyside suburb of Freshfield: The Daily Mail questioned if any asylum seekers were hiding inside it, The Daily Express said it never would have been built if Princess Diana were still here, while The Sun didn’t find room to cover the story as they had exclusive pictures of someone who looked vaguely like Madeleine McCann in a playground in Outer Mongolia.

Residents have correctly complained that the ‘ASDA Supermarket’-style building is not in keeping with the tacky-looking prefab mansions beautiful local properties in the area, yet the biggest concern should be that WAG Alex Curran has insisted that a solarium is included in the complex. The orange glow coming off that girl can already be seen for several miles, and if she has a personal fake tan emporium at her disposal, Merseyside will probably experience something akin to permanent sunlight. And nobody wants that - it would really confuse the owls.

More pictures after the jump…