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If this liar was wearing pants, they would probably be on fire

Some ladies will go the distance to become a WAG, but not all will go as far as Alexandra Paressant, who has twice combined her loves of sport, shamelessness and lying to hit the headlines.

In 2006, the French model and author claimed she was sleeping with Ronaldinho during World Cup 2006. The Brazilian promptly set about suing her, and it later emerged that she fabricated a relationship by doctoring photos and putting anonymous posts on forums.

Last year, Alexandra hit the headlines again by claiming she enjoyed an elicit affair with Tony Parker, the San Antontio Spurs basketball star and husband of Eva Longoria, after being introduced to him by Thierry Henry. Bizarre claims about sexual practises involving Nutella were promptly dismissed, and even her own mother has admitted she is prone to making up stories.

If Wenger doesn’t need new defenders, then what does he need?

While Tottenham have got to work early and spent big on Luka Modric and Giovani dos Santos, Arsenal are still on the starting blocks, with the first sign of any transfer activity at the Emirates being quickly shot down by Arsene Wenger:

“I have been interested in Vincent Kompany ever since he was 16, but I am not interested in him this year. There is nobody I need for my team’s defensive department.”

Which of course prompts the question: what’s the point of tracking someone for six years if you have no intention to signing them? By acting much like a flirtatious girl who makes you believe she’s the one but who will quickly break your heart, perhaps Arsene is telling us he simply enjoys the thrill of the chase.

Anyway, Arsenal’s reticence to invest has spurred The Spoiler to consider where each London club needs to improve next season.

So we did a think and then gone wrote it down:

Chelsea

Top priority:
Flair players - Big Phil hasn’t just been brought to Chelsea to win trophies, he’s expected to bring some Brazilian flair to the job and make the Blues exciting to watch as well as being scarily efficient.

Fitting the bill: Ronaldinho, Kaka, Franck Ribery

Arsenal

Top priority:
Depth in midfield - Diarra then Flamini have gone, Hleb’s inconsistent, Rosicky’s injured, Gilberto’s past his best and Fabregas got tired last year so it’s clear that Arsenal need to bolster their midfield, and potentially bring in a new keeper.

Fitting the bill: Gareth Barry, Samir Nasri, Hatem Ben Arfa, Bastian Schweinsteiger

West Ham

Top priority:
New medical team/left-winger - Take away the dozen injuries West Ham had for most of last season and they’ve got perhaps the biggest squad in the league.

The left wing is a problem though: the fans turned on Boa Morte and he wants out while Etherington is always injured.

Fitting the bill: Stephen Hunt, Damien Duff, Pablo Aimar

Tottenham

Top priority:
New goalkeeper and striker

It’s like Kramer vs Kramer all over again… in a way

People of north London, lock your doors, put bars on your windows, and head upstairs to hide under a dressing table - it’s all kicking off in the transfer market. And yet again, London-bound players are being ordered to chose between Spurs and Arsenal.

Arsene Wenger has been granted full access to the club purse over the summer, and this week he should be putting a ribbon on a gorgeous £11 million deal for Marseille’s Samir Nasri. But then the trouble begins

Of course, miserly Arsene Wenger is not a man to splash the cash. Or so everyone thought yesterday. Today it transpires that the scholarly French gentlemen forks out astonishing amounts of money on young players, and now he’s barged the big guns at Man United out of the way to sign Lyon youngster Hatem Ben Arfa.

The zippy left winger was supposed to be heading off to United for £14.4 million, but the player has confirmed that he talked with Arsenal, and may yet be off to North London instead for around £16 million - which is £500 zillion in Wenger currency.

“Today I am at Lyon, we will see what tomorrow is made of,” said Ben Arfa, steeping his sentence in gorgeous mystery.