Gold Cup, today, 3.30pm, bet here

If you’ve just emerged from solitary confinement, a coma or a lengthy spell in a monastery, today’s Cheltenham Gold Cup is only the RACE OF THE CENTURY! The rest of you, if you’re not on it yet, need your heads testing. If you’re still not sure what to do, then just follow these simple steps.

1) Open an account to bet online. You could choose any of this country’s fine turf accountants, but if you open an account with Ladbrokes or Paddy Power, you’ll get a £10 free bet.

2) If you’d rather go with a betting exchange, and bet against other people, open an account with Betfair, and get a £25 free bet.

3) Choose a horse to bet on. To see the best odds, click here.

4) If you still can’t make your mind up, then go with horse of the century KAUTO STAR to win - he’s considered near unbeatable.

5) Don’t like that? Then get on DENMAN. Also considered near unbeatable, except against Kauto Star.

6) Don’t like that? Then get on one of the supporting cast with an each way bet. The Spoiler likes NEPTUNE COLLONGES or KNOWHERE

For more Gold Cup facts, click here. And hurry up - the clock is ticking! GET RIGHT ON IT!

But the Gold Cup will still go on

As you can see from the snap above, the corporate hospitality section of the Cheltenham festival is no longer as cosy as was once intended. Even though the men in suits may have to enjoy their prawn sandwiches in the rain, the Gold Cup is still going ahead this Friday, and you can watch it from the relative comfort of your home or office from 3.15.

Betting on the Cheltenham Festival? Get a free £10 bet with Paddy Power or Ladbrokes when you open an account. But before you take the plunge, take in the chickendinner Gold Cup preview.