The Big Country is decimating the world’s favourite sport*

Don’t get us wrong - we love America: their cheeseburgers are delicious, their films highly entertaining, and their willingness to take Jordan and Peter Andre off our hands commendable.

However, we felt outrage upon reading an essay published by Stephen H. Webb, entitled ‘How Soccer is Ruining America‘. Jam-packed with insightful observations (”soccer is clearly an important means by which American energy, drive and competitiveness are being undermined to the point of no return”), the piece caused enough of a stir to be picked up and republished by the Wall Street Journal.

It got us thinking - forget football ruining America - there are at least twenty equally ignorant reasons why America is ruining football.

Listen up, y’all…

Stupid Stadium names
Now the Wankdorf is closed for business, we defy you to find a football ground in any league in the world with a title worse than ‘Pizza Hut Park’.

The deification of Darren Huckerby
Update your history books. Hucks is now a ‘Norfolk team’ legend, responsible for the greatest goal in the history of football.

The word “Soccersphere”
Almost as bad as “blogosphere”.

Post-goal celebration music
Arguably the single most irritating feature of American sport that has infiltrated European football. Just cheering the players isn’t enough?

Green Street
The first entry in our list-within-a-list of crap Hollywood films about football. If you haven’t seen it, just watch the trailer. It’ll all become clear.

Not inviting us to USA ‘94
And for hosting the most boring World Cup final ever. And for making us watch Diana Ross attempt to take a penalty.

Ridiculous rule changes
Partly to satisfy US sports fans’ infamous inability to accept two teams might be strong enough in different areas to actually - gasp - cancel each other out, until 2003, MLS games that ended up as a tie were resolved by an ice-hockey style charge-at-the-goalie shootout. A wonderful stroke of genius subsequently replaced by another… golden goal extra time.

Lacklustre attempts at hooliganism
Note: The Spoiler does not condone violence on or off the pitch,