Awww, don’t cry Tottenham fans, we didn’t mean it (we did)

Something about the way Alex on The Apprentice started weeping and pointing at other people the minute anyone dared question his business acumen, even just slightly, suggests that he will one day make an absolutely tremendous football manager. He’s got it all - the quivering lip, the total lack of humility, everything!

Which got The Spoiler to thinking. Alex is a sensitive soul - some would say a pillock - but who else is sensitive? And, more specifically, what sets of football fans are the most fragile and Alex-like? The answer was, of course, simple: Spurs fans.
Go anywhere in the world, and you’ll find a delicate Tottenham supporter launching into an angry rage about Berbatov and why people should leave him alone (most of the time completely unnecessarily), or aggressively lampooning Sol Campbell, totally unaware that even Sol - the planet’s most fragile and nervous centre back - has put the whole nasty business behind him already. And God forbid anyone ever say the Arse word.

But, before Spurs fans start hysterically blubbing and screaming about how unfair that just sounded, stop - take a breath, wipe the drool from your tie and put the chair down. You’re not alone. Also registering high on the hurty-feelings scale are Newcastle’s finest/fattest - still convinced that Kevin Keegan is Jesus Christ, and it’s 1996 all over again - Man City fans (don’t

While everyone else is out topless sunbathing, The Spoiler has been zooming about the undergrowth hunting for transfer rumours. Today this is what they’re saying:

Michael Owen to Everton
After Keegan’s inspirational speech about never becoming a top four team, it seems that Michael Owen is frantically searching for the Newcastle exit. So desperately that he’s been linked with the old enemy. Nice one Keegs.

Daniel Alves to Manchester United
United’s burly shaved gorillas in suits will be seething after Chelsea nabbed Boswinga while they were outside bumping chests and celebrating the contract. Their revenge will be creeping into Sevilla and bundling Alves onto the back of Sir Alex’s motorbike.

Brilliant, it’s a bank holiday! Which, of course, means an extra night of drinking, fighting and lurching home head-first muttering swear words under your breath. Another day of waking up in a hedge wondering why your shins ache, another day of mooching around the town centre blissfully unaware that someone graffitied “twat” on your forehead in pen while you were stoned. Have fun, everyone! But before you get your first pint in, why not peruse today’s transfer rumours… give yourself something to talk about.

Dean Ashton to Manchester United
Ashton has only just dislodged Carlton Cole as the first-choice striker at West Ham, and even then his own fans aren’t entirely convinced that it was a good idea. Something tells us that Rooney and Tevez won’t be stomping into Ferguson’s office tearfully demanding answers when they get wind of this one.

Kasey Keller to Bayern Munich
Now that Oliver Kahn is well into his 60s, it might be time to hand the batton over to a younger gent - like, say, 57-year-old Kasey Keller. Nice idea, Germans.

The best sports programming on the telebox this weekend

The week after Chelsea lost Mourinho, they were charged with the task of getting a result at old Trafford in a televised game. Big Sam-less Newcastle now face exactly the same situation, but will they suffer the same