Striker fails to trim down during summer of excess

It’s obviously a slow news day, as the two big stories in the papers are Rio Ferdinand’s Stamford Bridge steward kicking incident (which happened three months ago) and Wayne Rooney’s expanding waistline. The Sun claim the Manchester Utd striker’s summer of laying stagnant in a pool, emerging only to drink and eat fast food, has had a serious effect on his physique. He looked a bit portly in a friendly against Aberdeen this weekend, but wasn’t he always a little more rotund than is desirable for a professional footballer?

If you want to see a striker who has really been piling it on, check out this guy:

Ronaldo, whose contract with AC Milan ended two weeks ago, is pictured testing the tensile strength of a yacht in Ibiza. It looks like he and pregnant WAG Bia Anthony are really enjoying the local cuisine…

Never turn your back on a supermodel! 

WAGs need attention. Constant attention. After all, what the hell’s the point in being totally gorgeous if no one is going to look at you? You might as well be ugly. No one ever looks at ugly people.

All of which might explain Abbey Clancy’s strange holiday behaviour.  Peter Crouch, tired from sitting on Liverpool’s bench for a whole season, decides to unwind in Ibiza with a cheeky little sunshine nap, and what does Clancy do? She mounts his back like he were a donkey and she were a demanding infant in Blackpool.

Textbook attention seeking.

Enjoy a different take on things over at Kickette.

Porky striker slays the dragon named dignity in Ibiza

After seeing his Portuguese namesake sport some unecessarily tiny swimwear in Sardinia, Brazilian Ronaldo has decided to up the sexy stakes by showing the world his super-hot skimpy pants.

The AC Milan star - said to have been released by his club following a season-ending knee injury - yesterday sat aboard a yacht in Ibiza displaying a belly that would make Ronaldinho proud. The ‘Kramer’ hairstyle really tops off a look befitting of a megastar whose dating record includes supermodels, TV presenters and various other ladies who wouldn’t touch him with a ten-foot ugly stick if he wasn’t famous.

The lady averting her eyes from the sight of his growing paunch is WAG Bia Anthony, who is rumoured to be pregnant. Obviously his stunning physique and unfaltering loyalty have made her forgive him for solicitng transvestite prostitutes.

See the sexiest picture of the summer after the jump…

Can you spot Lampsie? There he is!

Whoever has been spreading nasty rumours about what footballers get up to once the season’s over should go and eat a massive chunk of humble pie, because not all of them sit in their pants demanding cocktails and oral sex. Some of them actually do classy things.

Yesterday, The Spoiler unfairly mocked Michael Owen, just because he thought it appropriate to leave the house dressed like The Great Gatsby, and today, Frank Lampard has been spotted shining his oily legs on a luxury yacht in sundrenched Ibiza - the beautiful island of drugs.

Smile Wayne, it might never happen. Oh wait, it will

Faced with the prospect of settling down with a woman who will no doubt curb his appetite for geriatric ladies of the night, Wayne Rooney is positively beaming with enthusiasm on his Ibiza stag do.

This isn’t an example of Rooney being caught off guard by an opportunist pap - the picture agencies have a wide range of shots available from Rooney’s night out at Lineker’s Bar (how apt), all of which show him looking more depressed than a Hull fan without a season ticket.

Euro 2008 favourites capable of some fine Waggery

The Spoiler’s mission to unearth the hottest WAGs of Euro 2008 has lead to nineteen-year-old Sarah Brandner, partner of German midfielder Bastian Schweinsteiger. The fugly Bayern Munich star has had five girlfriends in the past year-and-a-half, but insists that he has found happiness with his latest beau: “she has played a big part in my performances lately,” he insists.