The latest transfer gossip, rumours and damned lies

Fabian Assmann to Chelsea
Goalkeeper Assmann - whose WAG Melina Pitra happens to have a very nice, er, personality - has been linked with a £4m move to Stamford Bridge by the Argentinean press.

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: Such an offer would almost certainly be snapped up by Assmann’s current club Independiente, but the move will probably depend on how much faith the next Blues manager places in Petr Cech.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic to Real Madrid
Despite his proven ability to remain completely anonymous in big games, Real Madrid remain