Also appearing on a computer near you…

Portsmouth’s Sulaiman Al Fahim is in hospital with a mystery illness
[Daily Mail]

100 pictures of Dutch überWAG Sylvie van der Vaart
[DJ Mick]

The ten greatest ‘almost goals’ of all time
[The Offside]

Mario Balotelli wants to hug you
[Dirty Tackle]

Michael Owen injury update
[The Mirror]

Danielle Lloyd’s fishy dream
[Kickette]

This non league side’s pitch doesn’t seem to conform to internationally-recognised standards
[Off The Post]

Cristiano appears to have suffered at the hands of the dark arts

September 29th, 2009: An anonymous sorcerer claims to have placed an injury curse on Cristiano Ronaldo, at the behest of a mystery enemy.

September 30th, 2009: Marseille’s Souleymane Diawara is dismissed for a foul on Cristiano Ronaldo, who subsequently limps off. The Spanish press say the Portuguese star was rushed to hospital yesterday with an “ankle traumatism and Grade-1 ligament sprain”. He is likely to miss Sunday’s clash with Sevilla.

Advert for swooshy sports manufacturer shows Russian’s tenacity

The latest addition to the advertising campaign that previously showed Wayne Rooney’s utter dismay at shaving off what remains of his hair features Arsenal’s Andrei Arshavin.

The Russian meerkat-alike boldly pushes away a physio, summoning the strength and spirit to play through the pain barrier. A poignant and well-timed message from a man who will miss Arsenal’s next three games with a groin strain.

A thoroughly rubbish attempt at getting an opponent in trouble

[Dirty Tackle]

A snippet of gossip from our friends at Popbitch

This Premier League star has had a cruel run with injuries. But don’t feel too sorry for him, feel sorry for the club that’s paid his wages. The previous season was also injury-hit but the star needed his contract renewed. He knew his injury wouldn’t hold up to much scrutiny from the medical team so he developed an illness which meant he had to stay away from training just about every other day. He trained, got a bit hurt, but then spent the next day at home with his leg in an ice bath, keeping the swelling down. He just about got through the medical, was awarded a new contract and then rather promptly broke down injured again.

We know who it is, but do you? Take a guess below…

Steve Bruce’s best friend perfects his mid-air faceplant technique

With the FA Cup Final and the conclusion of several European major leagues happening over the weekend, somehow the tantalising friendly clash between the giants of Oman and the titans of Egypt escaped our attention. Thankfully, our boys at 101GG were paying attention to the Middle Eastern action, which Egypt won thanks to a Mohamed Aboutrika effort.

The highlight of the match happened during the subsequent goal celebration - Amr ‘The most unprofessional man Steve Bruce has ever worked with’ Zaki was keen to congratulate his teammate, but inadvertently enjoyed some face time with substitute Ahmed Eid Abdel Malek.

The result? A loss of blood and dignity, and six stitches in his face.

Serial WAG receives comeuppance for destroying relationship

News of the World readers will have been shocked to the core to read that  Danielle Lloyd - the glamour model who is passed around the Premier League like currency - has been accused of stealing someone else’s footballer boyfriend.

Spurs star Jamie O’Hara was in a relationship with model Sade Metcalfe for four years, but was recently snared by Miss Lloyd’s “charms” (read: “big fake boobs”). Scorned WAG Sade only discovered the infidelity when she saw the pair at it on TV, and to make matters worse, the midfielder has taken back the £28,000 Mercedes he gave his former love.

Over the weekend, Sade made her feelings towards the perpetual footballer boffer very clear. According to The Sun, the pair confronted one another at Essex nightclub Funkmojoe, and Dani received an unwelcome punch to the face, leaving her with a cut lip:

A scuffle broke out with friends of Sade, 23, and Danielle claims one smashed her in the face

Brazilian takes a swipe at his employer

Kaka has never said he wishes to leave AC Milan, and admitted that he only entertained the prospect of a ludicrous transfer to Manchester City as he “respected” the wishes of his club.

Despite his desire to stay in the fashion capital, the Brazilian’s growing discontent with the powers that be at the Rossoneri is becoming clear.

Following Brazil’s 3-0 World Cup Qualifier victory over Peru, the one who belongs to Jesus took a pot shot at his club for failing to adequately deal with his recent injury:

“In six days with the Brazilian team doctors I have improved more than in five weeks with those of Milan.”

The comment will certainly anger the Milanese side, who pride themselves on their phenomenal training resources and fastidious injury treatments.

Sport claim Kaka is still unhappy that Milan tried