Look, he’s at a street market…

While his unrefined team mates summer on continental beaches by day, and shout slow drunken English at frightened waiters by night, old Lampsie prefers the rustic markets of Taormina in succulent Italy. This, of course, is a tell tale sign that he must be moving to Inter. You heard it here first.

Or, like, ninth.

All of today’s rumours, translated from Portuguese

Well done Chelsea - after striking the fear of God into everyone for ages, the mask appears to have slipped. Roman didn’t get his wish of a winning final in Russia, all the best managers are giving them a wide berth, and what are the chances of Lampsie, the Drog-man, and even snarling Mikey Essien heading out east to lick pasta sauce from Mourinho’s chin next season? Pretty high, many would argue. And, it doesn’t end there…

Ashley Cole to Inter Milan
Mourinho had quite some effect on the Chelsea players, a bit like Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society - you know, where the young boys find rebellion through poetry? Heart wrenching film, that one. Williams doesn’t crack a single gag. Anyway, in a similar vein, Ashley Cole might move towards Mourinho, if people waft enough money stink his way.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Time to alienate Italy, Ashley?

All of today’s rumours…

Casting a double act correctly is an exact science. The great ones - Morecambe and Wise, The Two Ronnies - relied on their hilarious differences to make people laugh. Ronnie Corbett was a tiny little thing, while Ronnie Barker was a big fatso - brilliant! Morecambe wore glasses, while Wise stood silently beside him with a straight unbespectacled, haunted, face. Some double acts, however, are just far too similar to work. We are, of course, referring to Hoddle and Waddle in the 1980s. It was never going to succeed. Not a single person could tell them apart. One unlikely double act that might shock us all, however, is the zany pairing of old man Hughes and little David Bentley…

David Bentley to Manchester City
The barking mad word on the street is that wherever silver haired Hughes goes, blabbermouth Bentley follows. Today, it’s destination Man City, but everyone knows they’ll both be at Chelsea come next week.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Chelsea beckons

Roque Santa Cruz to Manchester
With the walls tumbling down at Blackburn, Sir Alex is looking to slide in and pick up the tearful foreign players - starting with Santa Cruz for £15 million.

All the big news written down in a list

Something about Paul McCartney taking his Beatle’s stage show to Anfield suggests that people all over Europe might be standing back and hailing Liverpool as the European Capital of Culture around thirty or forty years too late. That said, anyone who doesn’t erupt into tears at the thought of drunk Liverpudlians weeping Yesterday in their thousands should be seriously investigated. In other moving news…

Mark Hughes to Manchester City
Suddenly everyone wants Mark Hughes to take care of their boys - first Abramovich, now these guys. His white hair demands respect, but could a man destined to manage United really do a job at City?

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Surely not.

Michael Essien to Inter Milan
Of course, everyone has been bigging up the chances of Lampsie, Drog-drog and Carvalho heading East to spend quality time with his special highness, but now it seems young Essien has bounced to the front of the queue brandishing a big red apple.

“Can we play at the San Siro every week?” ask English sides

In case you missed it, here’s the action that caused Roberto Mancini to stand down as Internazionale coach last night. The home side missed a slew of chances, but never looked likely to get the three goals required to go through.

Well done, Liverpool!

Champions League First Round Second Leg, Sky Sports 2, 7.45pm, bet here

So, well done English teams, four of you in the last eight of the Champions League. Brilliant. But wait! One of them isn’t quite there yet. Liverpool still have to hold on against Inter Milan tonight, and while they haven’t lost a game by two goals or more all season, Inter are still champions of Italy, and the coin-throwing white supremacist section of Inter’s fans aren’t likely to extend the hand of friendship either. A former Scouse colleague of the Wager claimed that Liverpool people are particularly well suited to handling tough places as “we are used to strangers coming up and shouting in our faces every day anyway.” However, no one can be ignorant of Liverpool’s ownership fiasco, Rafa Benitez’s tenuous grip on reality and the general danger of premature chicken counting. The Wager reckons that Liverpool’s wheels have been threatening to come off all season, and that tonight’s the night it all goes wrong.

The statistics

* Liverpool have scored a remarkable eight goals in the final ten minutes of their last five Champions League games.

The best sports on the telebox tonight

Tonight will be the ninth occasion on which Internazionale have gone into a European second leg having lost the first one 2-0. They have made it through in just three of those instances, the last one being ten years ago (when they beat Strasbourg 3-0 in the 1997/98 UEFA Cup). Odds on another 3-0 Inter victory are currently 16/1, but can the Reds secure an away goal and enjoy another successful English trip to the San Siro? Tune in tonight, but not before you’ve had a look at the best odds available on the oddschicken.

Champions League First Round Second Leg
Inter Milan/ Liverpool (Sky Sports 2, 7.45pm)

Rafa is on course to maintain his exceptional record in Europe

It was great to see The Reds see off Inter in the dying minutes last night, but will they be able to stave off Internazionale when the action transfers to the San Siro in three weeks time. It’s a votin’ time:

Champions League Quarter-Finals

So, another bad week for Madonna, this time turning her hand to directing without much luck. “She has made a movie so incredibly bad,” says one reviewer, “that Berlin festival goers were staggering around yesterday in a state of clinical shock.” Rafael Benitez’s latest work has also provoked a similar response, as Liverpool, like Madonna, struggle with increasing desperation to remember where they left the magic that made them such superstars in the eighties. A visit to Inter Milan may be just the tonic for Liverpool, as until recently they too were marooned in memories of the “Get into the Groove” decade, but have somehow managed to shake them off and succeed anew. Maybe they’ll share their secret with Rafa. “Don’t give up the day job, Madonna,” is the advice the movie reviewers have been screeching. Unfortunately for Mr Benitez, after his visit to Italy, he may not have any choice.

The statistics

* Inter have been virtually unstoppable this season. They remain unbeaten in Serie A after twenty-three games and have been top of the league since the end of September. They currently hold an eleven point lead over nearest rivals Roma.

The best sports on the telebox tonight

Ian Wright let his fountain of knowledge spill onto the sports pages of The Sun this morning, claiming that Liverpool have lost their ‘fear factor’. He cites a lack of cohesion in the side and too much rotation as the foundation of the Red’s woes, but ultimately fails to really explain the lost ‘fear factor’. Meaningless buzzwords aside, Liverpool will have a tough time continuing Benitez’s solid Champions league record against high-flying Inter - check out the best odds available on all tonight’s action here.

Champions League

Liverpool/ Inter Milan (ITV1, 7.45pm)
Olympiakos/ Chelsea (ITV4, 7.45pm)
Roma/ Real Madrid (Sky Sports 2, 7.45pm)
Schalke/ FC Porto (Sky Sports Xtra, 7.45pm)