Well, the great news, Arsenal, is that it isn’t your football that is making Hleb want to leave you - no, he loves the style of play - it’s your city, your home, your people. They’re the problem.

Like most agents, the man who does all of Hleb’s talking (Nikolai Shpilevski) doesn’t like to put words in anyones mouth, but still chose to air exactly what is going on in the busy mind of the bendy-legged Arsenal man, at least as far as he can tell.

“Alexander is just tired of the noisy and chaotic life in the British capital and feels like living in calmer surroundings,” he sighed, “if any clubs want to add Hleb to their ranks they should talk to Arsenal.”

Hope everyone enjoyed the summer - those were two pretty hot days. But don’t wrap up and sit patiently for Christmas just yet, there’s still some movement on the transfer market. Here’s the latest…

Steven Gerrard to Inter Milan
If Crouch is worth £15 million, Benitez probably has Gerrard at around £9 zillion. Inter might need to go back with their £25 million and come back with something a little more realistic, huh Rafa?

Aliaksandr Hleb to Barcelona
Spagetti-legged Hleb is so keen to get away from Arsenal that he’s apparently ready to fork out millions to get out of his contract. All the talk has been of Inter, until today when someone from Barcelona coughed and everyone got suspicious. Spill the beans, Hleb.

Sweet Baby Joseph, it is HOT outside. It’s all ice lollies, hand held electronic fans and bikinis in this office. But don’t be fooled, we’re not just keeping ourselves cool, there’s also work to be done. Today’s transfers read like this:

Peter Crouch to Portsmouth
So long are Crouch’s spindly spiders legs that he’s somehow managed to score thirteen goals this season - all from his seat in the dugout. Just imagine how he’d get on if he was actually playing. Word is, Portsmouth have been doing exactly that.

Michael Kightley to West Ham
Despite the fact that Alan Curbishley headed straight into hiding after getting humiliated by Man United, the gossips at the Mirror have been heard going on and on about how he wants the Wolves winger, and by Jimmy he’s going to get him.

Venezuela’s hottest export has an Inter Milan toy boy

If there is one country in the world today that has its priorities straight, it is Venezuela. Up until recently, children of the South American nation could enjoy an episode of The Simpsons on the Televen TV channel before trotting off to school. Television authorities, however, have pulled the show, deeming it to be ‘inappropriate for adolescents’. Instead, they have replaced it with a show much more suited to the demographic - Baywatch. High five, television authorities! It is this unrelenting support of beautiful women in seaside locations that has allowed 27-year-old model Keyla Espinoza to find fame and fortune, and also a young Inter Milan footballer named Mario Ballotelli.

If Jose Mourinho doesn’t chomp on their generously baited hook first

Reports from Italy are claiming that Inter have offered World’s Number One Ladies Detective unemployed manager Jose Mourinho a place to hang his expensive raincoat next season, and have placed a piece of paper upon a four-legged item of furniture agreeing to compensate him handsomely for the inconvenience. The sum involved is said to be £4 million a year for the next four years.

There is, however, an obstacle. Inter have a couple of chaps by the name of Mr Branca and Mr Oriali who make all the decisions about who to sign, who to sell, how much to pay them, and so forth, decisions which Jose Mourinho is likely to want to make himself, having personally experienced the burning humiliation of having unwanted players foisted upon him before. Mr Branca and Mr Oriali are good friends of Inter owner Massimo Moratti.

Should the Mourinho project flounder, the name Rafa Benitez is next on the list. It can’t have escaped Mr Moratti’s attention that while

Goaty old European clubs long to tell Jose how much they love him, but they’re all still married to another!

In counting his suitors this week, handsome troublemaker Jose Mourinho finds a wealthy new Italian making googly eyes across the room, while long-time enthusiasts Real Madrid can barely contain their desire to be with him. Current standings in the race to win his affection are as follows:

1) Inter Milan (new entry!). “I want to leave,” said manager Roberto Mancini a week or so ago, then a couple of days later, “I don’t want to leave.” What to make of this flip-flop? Presumably this is just some fancy window dressing, as Inter have apparently made Mourinho an offer to take over but don’t want to confirm Mancini’s departure until the next manager, (Mourinho, they pray), has responded favourably to their invitation.

2) Real Madrid. Relations between Madrid and her current husband, ill-mannered teuton Bernd Schuster, have reached their chilliest depth so far, and this marriage is unlikely to last the summer. Madrid have now lost seven of 19 games, including a 3-2

Brazilian star leaves trail of destruction across Sao Paolo

Inter Milan’s troubled Brazilian Adriano, whom they farmed out on loan to Sao Paolo so that someone else could clean up after him, could find himself shipped back to Milan following 48 hours spent leaning on the self-destruct button.

Adriano’s problems started last Thursday when he was the only player to get off the plane following his team’s return from a Copa Libertadores match in Colombia not wearing Sao Paolo’s official travel uniform, the kind of detail capable of setting the Brazilian public a-twitter. This earnt him a public reprimand from club president Juvencio Juvenal, although officials later claimed he had been given permission to change as he had “been sweating a lot”.

The following day he turned up for training half an hour late, promptly fell out with the fitness coaches and stormed off, although not before stopping to share this thought - “If you take another picture I’ll smash you in the face” - with a photographer.

Early the next day,

Luis Figo’s perma-nude missus could be on her way to London

At the end of June, Luis Figo’s contract with Inter Milan will expire, and the thirty-five year old winger will be a free agent. He could be off to the MLS, but those who appreciate Portugal’s golden era of football and Swedish models in equal parts will hope the rumours of a move to Fulham or Queens Park Rangers come to fruition. Figo and his wife Helen Svedin could be permanently moving to the home they own in West London very shortly…

The picture above shows the 32-year-old Swede in her most typical state. In fact, a quick

Lure of the sauce too strong for troubled Inter Milan striker

Inter Milan’s wayward Brazilian striker Adriano, who spent much of last year in a passionate relationship with alcohol, was spotted trying to rekindle the flames of that romance over Christmas. The player, whose name not so long ago supposedly appeared on Sven’s Manchester City wish list, was packed off to Brazil for treatment at the end of last year when

The Gazzetta dello Sport, the big fancy paper of Italian football, reported this morning that Inter Milan’s euro’d-up owner Massimo Moratti recently had a romantic date with Jose Mourinho in London.

» As the top mystery in football at the moment is what happened to change the Special One’s mind regarding taking over the England job (besides realising it was an utterly thankless task), the implication of the Gazzetta story is clearly that Mr Moratti would like Mr Mourinho to run away with him to Milan improve on Inter’s position at the top of Serie A. Link

» Perhaps the England job doesn’t look so tough after all… Link

» The implication of the Gazzetta story is clearly that Mr Moratti would like Mr Mourinho to run away with him to Milan improve on Inter’s position at the top of Serie A. Link