“Respect the iPod of Evra”

Now that Cristiano Ronaldo isn’t around to pollute his colleague’s ears with his dire taste in music, Patrice Evra has assumed the role of official Manchester Utd DJ.

The Frenchman spends hours preparing pre-match playlists on his iPod, and his choice of tunes will ring out through Turf Moor’s dilapidated away dressing room tonight. Says Evra:

“I enjoy the role very much. Before the match I sit down in my room and work out a playlist.

“I have to change it every time. You don’t know these guys - they’re like dogs!

“They’re hungry for new songs and get angry if it’s the same stuff as the last game.

“So I mix it up and make sure everybody’s happy. I put some English music, some Brazilian, some R ‘n B, some dance. Now it’s part of the ritual before games.

“Sometimes other people try to put their own music on - I don’t want to name names - but my team-mates say ‘Come on, respect the iPod of Evra’.”

We’d love to know which players have dared to cross Evra by playing their own music. Has Rooney tried to blast some Stereophonics? Maybe Federico Macheda requested some sexy disco music? Perhaps Dimitar Berbatov has tried to sneak on some Bulgarian power ballads?

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Bolton have been using them for ages! Honest!

As everyone in the world is frightfully aware by now, Ben Foster gained the upper hand in the Carling Cup shoot-out by boning up on Tottenham’s penalty-taking techniques with the help of coach Eric Steele’s iPod.

While the Manchester Utd keeper has surely earned himself a lifetime supply of shiny Apple products for all the free advertising, Gary Megson is distinctly unimpressed by media claims that the Reds have been innovative:

“We have been using iPods and things like that for the last couple of years. We just don’t get the same publicity as some people.”

Keen to stress that visiting Bolton’s plush Euxton training facility is akin to being on the set of Minority Report, Megson continued to boast about The Trotters’ cutting edge integration of technology:

“All our stuff is done using electronics, smart boards and DVDs. We have three dedicated staff and are probably as advanced as any club in the Premier League.

“For example we can put motivational videos on a player’s iPod purely and simply for them.

“It is just the way of the world now. When we used pen and paper before, we have people who can do all sorts of things.”

You hear that, Manchester Utd? All their “stuff” is done with electronics! They have three members of staff available to programme iPods at any given point! When you luddites finally get DVDs at Carrington, they’ll be watching Blu-Rays at Euxton!

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David ‘Goldmember‘ Beckham’s lust for a particular precious metal was not satisfied by the bespoke golden cap awarded for his participation in a ton of England games, so his teammates clubbed together and using the spare change found between the cushions of Rooney’s couch, bought him a £600 golden iPod Touch.

As an owner of four iPods (one for the car, one for running, one for commuting and an iPhone - maybe a little excessive now I think about it), I am very jealous of Mr B’s latest toy, but